Green Gadget Guide

I spotted an article on the Telegraph website the other day ... Green Gadget Guide it was called. What a load of fucking bollocks! Basically, it was just a way for some green spunk monkey or other to sound all fucking pretentious about so-called energy saving devices and provide a vehicle for Amazon to flog, to all those gullible green mongs, a shit load of twatting tat.

Here is a small selection of their 'Top Ten' ... with my Gotty Green Gadget Guide (money saving alternative) following each cash wasting 'energy saving' item:

Water Pebble

Sits in your shower, recording the amount of water you use per wash. Using a system of traffic lights, it tells you when you’re using more than average and gradually cuts down the time until the amber or red lights come on. Cutting a shower from 22.5L to 18L uses one third less energy, but you probably won’t even notice.

Price : £7.25

Shower every other day. Uses 50% less energy and you probably won't even notice.

Price : Twat all

Ecobutton

Works simply by allowing you to press it once to switch them into their most efficient mode. It connects to your computer via a standard USB port, and is an illuminated reminder of how easy it can be to save electricity. To waken your computer from its ecoslumber, however, just one key press makes it come back instantly. It can save you up to £50 per year.

Price : £8.25

Go to preferences control panel and select energy saving mode. When you're not using your computer it puts itself to sleep. To waken your computer from it's 'ecoslumber', just press any key ... or click the fucking mouse. It can save you up to £100 per year.

Price : Sweet fuck all

Wattson Silver Lining Energy Monitor

A clip attaches to your home’s main power supply, and then the main monitor itself can be sited anywhere to display your energy usage in power and financial terms. This information can precipitate 20 per cent savings.

Price : £123.45

Look at your electricity bill when it arrives, it will display your energy usage in power and financial terms. If it's a huge fuck off bill it can precipitate 35% savings.

Price : Bugger all

Dell Latitude E6510

Unlike many ‘rugged’ laptops, which confuse durability with bulkiness, this Dell Latitude is sleekly styled but incredibly robust, thanks to reinforced hinges and latches and an almost indestructible display. Longer-lasting laptops mean less recycling.

Price : £1959

Treat you current laptop with respect. Don't use it as a TV dinner tray or as a frisbee while you're on the beach. The hinges and latches will be just fine if your name isn't Gordon Brown. Longer-lasting laptops mean less recycling.

Price : Fackawl, innit

Breville Hot Cup

Kettles are fundamentally inefficient pieces of technology: you guess how much water to put in, then you boil all of it without reference to how much you’re actually going to use. Water heaters, while not looking too attractive in the main, work by dispensing the perfect cupful from their tanks. It’s a simple, elegant solution.

Price : £44.95

Take cup, or mug, fill with water from tap. Empty cup, or mug, of water into kettle. Boil kettle. Using same cup, or mug, make your preferred hot drink. Easy to multiply by number of hot drinks required. It's a simple, efficient solution. It could well be elegant too, depending on the design of cup, or mug, you are using.

Price : (you guessed it) Fucking fuck all!

Green fucking gadgets!

What a fucking load of absolute twatting bastard bollocks!

Or .... as 'crosswordkid' more politely stated in the comments of that article :

"Green gadgets". In other words, how can we assuage your misplaced middle-class guilt and at the same time extract as much money as possible from your wallets?

Oh, and these things are a waste of fucking time, money and energy too.

.

Ryder Cup Trivia #137

Apparently this pair of 'five-a-day' dodging, socially retarded, bad tempered, media inept, sexually deviant, miserable jockanese twats are thought to have been separated at birth.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Incidentally, we're still not allowed to even discuss that super injunction nonsense. Perhaps it'll all come out into the open once the Ryder Cup is over. Especially if we lose.

Just saying ;-)

Blog Twats Poll Results 2010 [Part 2]

Many thanks to the dozens of blogs who promoted it and the hundreds of voters who took part in the Blog Twats Poll 2010. I was genuinely surprised by how much interest it generated with over 80 different blog and twitter twats being nominated and an excellent cross section of the political spectrum being proposed as blogosphere twats.

The votes are all in and they have been counted, checked, verified and tampered with* which means I now have a definitive list of the Top 20 Blog Twats in the political blogosphere, as voted for by you.  I scored each list of votes by giving 10 points to the top one, down to 1 point for the maximum of ten allowed. So ..... here are your most twattish blogging and micro blogging twats from position 10 right up to the all important Number 1 Blog Twat :

10  Alastair Campbell (Twat soup)

  9  Obnoxio (Not so scary now)
 
  8  Boatang & Demetriou (Pair of twats)
 
  7  Tax Research UK (Richard Murphy twat deductible)
 
  6  Guido Fawkes (Lost the plot)

  5  Bloggerheads (TwaTim Ireland)
 
  4  Terry Kelly (The twat cuntroller)

  3  Liberal Conspiracy (Not so sunny Hundal)
 
  2  Kerry McCarthy (Ex Twitter twatter tsar twat)
 
  1  Iain Dale (Hissy fitting twat)

Positions 11 through to 20 can be found in the previous results post HERE.

What do you think of the results then?
Personally I thought that there were one or two surprises, in amongst the more predictable of the blogging twats.

As for the Number One spot?
Hmmmm, I couldn't possibly comment ;-)

*for any twatmongs that would possibly think otherwise, obviously that's a fucking joke!

Blog Twats Poll Results 2010 [Part 1]

First of all, many thanks to the dozens of blogs who promoted it and the hundreds of voters who took part in the Blog Twats Poll 2010. Considering it was a bit of a last minute twattish idea I was quite surprised by how much interest it generated. Over 80 different blog and twitter twats were nominated and there was an excellent cross section of political blogosphere twats put forward for nomination and quite a few surprises too.

So ..... the votes are all in and they have been counted, checked, verified and tampered with* which means I now have a definitive list of the Top 20 Blog Twats in the political blogosphere. I scored each list of votes by giving 10 points to the top one, down to 1 point for the maximum of ten allowed. So, here are your most twattish blogging and micro blogging twats for positions 20 to 11 :

20  Tory Bear (hi mum I'm on the telly)
19  Devils Kitchen (knife, fork or whatever)
18  Lancaster Unity (duplicitous Denise Garside)
17  Looking For A Voice (is that blog still invite only?)
16  Labour List (more like lost)
15  Socialist Unity (Andy 'nutjob' Newman)
14  Tom Harris (it's just not fair)
13  Old Holborn (why he stop swearing and shit)
12  Acacia (Andrew Gatward aka Doubting Richard)
11  Ellie Gellard (twitter twat with a twat)

The Top 10 will be published during the next couple of days .... maybe Sunday, depends how much I've had to drink and when I can be arsed ;-)

*obviously that's a fucking joke but just in case some high and mighty wankmong thinks I'm being serious ..... then fuck off, you obviously don't know me well enough.

Pakistan President Arrives In London

Asif Ali Zardari hits back at Cameron over terror row and warns:
"You are losing the war against the Taliban"

Blog Poll Awards 2010

Looks like the Blog Poll season has kicked off in earnest then. So far we appear to have the annual fat poof Right Wing Love-in Poll, the twisted Lefty socio-militant Worst UK Political Blog Poll and the seemingly pointless Biggest Liars in British Blogging Poll from Buggerheads. I mean, aren't we all a little economical with the truth, from time to time.

I have decided there is a gap in the market.

Twats!

There's shit loads of the fuckwitterers, out there in blogosphere land. Left wing, right wing, Libertarian, Coalition, Tofu eaters, MSM journos, MP's, MEP's, BNP, UAF, Commies, tree huggers, warmists, Muslim fanatics, tin foil hat wearers, deluded dickwads, etc., etc., ... the list is endless.

There's a twat in every in every port!

So here is your chance to vote for who you consider to be the biggest twat in the British blogosphere, bar fucking none.

I like simple rules, so here they are:

1. Vote for as few blogging twats as you want up to a maximum of ten.

2. Twattish twittering micro blogging twats are also allowed

3. Votes must be ranked in order of twattishness. Worst first.

4.Votes can be left in the comments here, for all to see, or, if you prefer, you can use this dedicated  email address : blogtwatspoll@gmail.com

5. No Anonymongs, no repeats. Poll closes midnight Friday 6th August 2010.

If you have your own blog and want to encourage your readers to nominate a few Blog Twats, so much the better. Here's the HTML code you need to add the above graphic to your posts or sidebars which will automatically send them to this instruction page, when clicked ....

<a href="http://grumpyoldtwat.blogspot.com/2010/07/blog-poll-awards-2010.html"><img src="http://lh3.ggpht.com/_yc-Lk62n49w/TEAR9ukA8jI/AAAAAAAAFFE/dvyY2IgTtr0/s800/Blog%20Twats%20Poll.jpg" style="border: 0;" alt="Click here to vote in the Blog Twats Poll 2010" /></a>

If you want to tell your readers who you voted for, that's fine, I couldn't give a shit. It's still a free country and you're entitled to share your opinion with anyone that'll listen.

The results will not be appearing in any magazine or book and will not be announced during a newspaper  review on Sky News or some backwater Radio station or other.

The Top 20 Twats of British Blogging will be published here sometime after the Poll closes and when I'm good and fucking ready. So .... spread the word and get voting but, above all else, have fun.

blogtwatspoll@gmail.com

BBC News Quiz No.71

Can you spot the difference between the first police statements, with regard to the description of the perps, and the one issued by DC Tara Powell?

Same sort of idea as last time.

click image to enlarge

My thanks go to Joe Public for spotting it

Thought For The Day

I've never met a Green Party voter that doesn't live in a city*


And another thing, will all you town and city day tripping twats stop dumping your fucking rubbish in our beautiful countryside.

You filthy fuckers!

*Taken from the comments here

Arise Lord Pies

Gordon Brown has yet to decide when his resignation peerages will be published but a close ally has said "The Team Gord list of Lord and Lady fuckwits includes John Prescott and Sue 'blame me for bigotgate' Nye. it's just a question of when McSnotty feels like taking the piss and releasing it".

Other names rumoured to be included are Ruth Kelly, Des Browne and Anna Healey. Ms Healey, who has most recently fagged for Harriet Harman, is the wife of John Cruddas who is expected to join the Labour Party leadership contest. Oh, and let's not forget that Ms Nye's husband, Gavyn Davies, is a former investment wanker banker and chairman of the BBC and a one time landord of Gordon's partner in grime .......... Lord Lob On of Fondleboys.

Give me fucking strength!

.

Ed and David, Which Is Which?

Rather predictably, Ed Miliband has thrown his twat hat into the ring for the race(?) to be the new leader of the New/old/progressive/dead in the water Labour Party. He joins his brother David, the jug eared creator of wet dreams for the slack jawed Hilary Clinton (*puke*).

I say predictably because the Labour Party desperately need to raise some sort of interest in an otherwise 'no one gives a flying fuck about Labour anymore' leadership election. So.... which is which when it comes to the brothers twat? Here's a handy cut out and keep guide for you to pin up on the pub dart board tonight, before it closes due to the smoking ban and the hike in alcohol prices .......

Personally, I'm looking forward to Ed 'blinky' Balls joining the battle to replace the one eyed fuckwit (what is it with Labour and eye probelms?) and I hope he wins. I really do. That'll guarantee that the next election is as good as lost already.

Oh, and look out for a dark horse coming up on the rails. Nick Clegg likes to cover all eventualities so it wouldn't surprised me if that flip flopping fuckwit decided to run for Labour leader too. Just in case.

.

Ellie Gellard @BevaniteEllie

.

Porn Gets My Vote

On the same day that Nick Smeg launched the Liberal Democrat election slogan, "Change that works for you. Building a fairer Britain.", it was also announced that Anna Arrowsmith, a porn film director, is to stand (ahem) for erection election as a member (ahem) of parliament.

Yes, that right.
She's the Liberal Demo-Twat candidate for Gravesham, Kunt Kent.


I thank you ;-)

Anyone But Labour

courtesy of MishMasher

Energy Saving Light Bulbs

Well the 'free' one, that got shoved through my letterbox over Christmas, didn't save me much fucking energy when I found out how bastard much the twatting thing cost me.

Thirty-eight-fucking-quid!

It seems that I'm not the only one wasting furious energy about low energy light bulbs that are supposed to save energy. It appears that Energy company junk mail schemes have now swamped British homes with over 200 million of the fuckers, just so they can meet their Government 'green' targets.

Thirty-eight-fucking-quid for a 'free' light bulb, that's just-the-twatting-job, if you don't actually want to see anything properly and you don't mind being exposed to mercury if it becomes damaged.

Waste of time, waste of money and a waste of fucking energy.

The sooner everyone realises about climategate, the better.
I'm off to buy a 'proper' bulb, only 69p at the local hardware store.

A proper old fashioned hardware store, mind you.
Not one of those housewife ridden Homebase type fuckers ;-)

BBC Twitter Twats

BBC staff, sometimes “tweeting” up to 20 times a day during work hours, have been sending thousands of Twitter messages – even though the tweets twats don't appear to be reaching anyone.

I shit you not . . . you just couldn't make it up.

The BBC Radio 2 site, which gathers “tweets”, from presenters such as Chris Evans, Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr, Claudia Winkleman, Richard Madley and Simon Mayo has no followers.

The BBC Radio 5 Live site, which gathers "tweets" from the likes of Victoria Derbyshire, Richard Bacon and Jonathon Agnew has just two.

Tory MP and former Home Office minister Ann Widdecombe said: “This seems like a very odd use of time, particularly as the people tweeting are paid by the licence payer. It is yet another example of the BBC not understanding that it is funded by the licence payer.”

Rather amusingly, in reply, a BBC spokesman said: “Social media websites are an effective way of engaging with our audiences."

Twit tweet twat!

What about "BBC Arabic", I hear you ask. Well it has 2,250 followers but, rather entertainingly, that site appears to have been duplicated with one called "Arabic BBC" which has just 122 followers.

Yet another example of BBC bollocks . . . but why should they care though? It's our money that they're pissing up the wall, time and time again.

They just don't give a fuck.

Bonkers Gordon Caption Competition

2010 +++Updated+++

No end of year lists, or predictions, or Top Ten's from me just a short video that I've put together for your enjoyment which is best viewed with the biggest pair of fuck off speakers you have, turned up to max ;-)

+++Update+++

YouTube and DailyMotion have both been jerking me around with this video which meant that nobody has been able to view it. Bastards! I have now gone back to YouTube and reloaded it again so hopefully you can now actually watch the fucking thing ;-)

A Happy New Year to one and all!

Except, of course,  err . . . . .

(You know me well enough by now to realise who they might be)

2010, Election Year!

I can't fucking wait to get started ;-)

.

(No) Thanksgiving Turkeys

Here is something for all my American readers,
cross-posted from one of my other haunts . . .

Obviously, we don’t do the Thanksgiving Day turkey thing in the UK but I sure know what a useless lame turkey looks like when I see one. So here’s a video with a few of America’s finest(?) examples of mangey gizzard, good-for-nothing, basted bastard dumb fucks, for you to throw into a red hot oven. Oh, and a turkey . . .

Hope you and yours have a great Thanksgiving and don’t spend too many of your hard earned dollars, down the store, on (half) Black Friday

Twatco Value

The Labour Press Office have confirmed that several additional products have now been added to their couldn't give a fuck what the fucking plebs think low value Twatco range. As a result, it appears that all the equivalent items that were previously available in the Great British Finest range, have now either been completely fucked to infinity and beyond irrevocably superceded or discontinued.

Offensive M&S Christmas TV Advert

The Advertising Standards Authority have been receiving complaints, from a handful of fuck-all-better-to-do righteous retards, about the latest Christmas TV advert from Marks and Spencer. Apparently the fucknuts find it 'offensive', 'sexist' and 'demeaning'.

What a load of old bollocks!

I can't see a problem with it. Can you?

Offensive Marks and Spencer Christmas TV Advert
by GrumpyOldTwat