Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Happy New Year

No moaning, no groaning and no axe to grind. Just a simple, yet sincere message to all the people that have bothered to read my nonsensical drivel.

I would like to raise a glass to you and your family and hope that you will all be able to enjoy a happy, healthy and wealthy New Year.


Anyone Not Get A New Year Honour?

The wheels have finally come off the 'gong giving' malarky.
It's all just getting fucking ridiculous.
Any twat that bothers to 'get up of a morning' seems to be getting one these days.

If you won a medal at the Olympics then you're fucking home and dry. Thanks for doing well at exactly what you were supposed to do well at - here, have a gong me old mate!
Oh, hang on a minute you did really well so why not have a fucking knighthood. A fucking knighthood for riding a twatting bike? You must be having a giraffe!

Arise Sir Write A Book, arise Sir Do A Bit For Charity, arise Sir County Council Executive. Sweep the roads OBE, sing a few songs CBE, services to this services to that MBE. As for The Order of the Bath. What the fuck is that all about? What a shower!

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that they haven't worked hard or that they haven't excelled at what they do. They have my respect for that.
I am just fucking pissed off at the vast waste of time and money, yet again, at the tax payers expense. And for what? What does it achieve? How does it help anyone?
The recipients have already received fair praise and recompense for their efforts.
Why not leave it at that!

PS. If anyone at the Chancellory is reading this I've just finished doing a fucking nice job of fitting a new bathroom. Customer was so pleased that they had to 'knock one out'. Ok, so I got paid for a job very well done, it's one of the many things that I am good at, but any chance of a gong you fuckers!

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Prince Edward Another Royal Cock

Prince Edward has become the latest member of the Royal Family to become embroiled in an alleged animal cruelty incident. 
Look at the picture! That pompous prick appears to be beating the dog with a fucking big stick!
This latest episode of Royal animal abuse follows hot on the heels of Prince Charles jumping on an old horse and
It's about time we stopped giving these bastards shit loads of tax payers money and made all these inbred tossers go out into the real world, get a proper job and earn a fucking living.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

That Monkey Paid A Visit

Finally finished counting all the bloody socks, boxer shorts, handkerchiefs and fucking longjohns. Took a bit longer this year due to extended periods of 'eye of the needle' anal aerobics. Must have been something that I ate although solid food hasn't been too high on the agenda in the last 2 days. As per usual my Christmas Day and Boxing Day fayre mainly consisted of fine wines, twiglets, champagne and a selection of single malts.
Ahh yes, I can see the problem there, too many fucking twiglets.

Woke up this morning, still wearing my safety gear, thinking "thank fuck that those 2 days are over".
This was shortly followed by a sudden sense of panic. 
Had the Monkey been?
I had a pounding headache so things didn't seem too promising.
Then I checked the mouth. Oh dear the signs were there alright.
I ran downstairs to check the bottles. All empty.
The wallet? Devoid of all cash.
"Everything ok? Are you alright?" said Pigsy, in a 'you look rough as fuck' kind of way.
"That bastard Monkey must have crept in during the night", I replied ruefully.
"Oh I see" she said, trying and failing to disguise that 'serves you right' grin that she has in her armoury. "Over imbibed again have you?"

I couldn't answer. I hate that fucking Monkey.
Whilst I was slumbering he must have removed my safety helmet and clouted my head with a mallet. Then he must have lifted my safety goggles and rubbed bogies into my eyes, shortly followed by an urge to deficate into my open mouth. As if that wasn't enough he must have tip toed down the stairs and emptied all my beloved bottles of joy into the sink. Finally the bastard must have removed all the cash from my wallet.
"Fire up the perculator Pigsy!"
"Expresso No.5?" she asked knowingly.
"Yes please"

Almost forgot to mention the Boxing Day Hunt that visited the manicured lawns at Twat Towers.
Unfortunately my blood pressure won't allow me to discuss this subject in depth. All I can say is 'Hunts'. What does that rhyme with?

Thursday, 25 December 2008

A Grumpy Old Twat Mas

I have recovered from yesterday's annual man pilgrimage to the High Street.  This ritual did not pass without scars, both mental and physical, but I have survived.
The big day is here and I am all kitted out ready for any eventuality. In fact Pigsy even suggested that I look resplendent in my finest Christmas safety wear! 
Nanny will be pleased, I'm sure, too.
I have even included asbestos underwear just in case I decide, as last year, to set light to my farts at the dinner table. It's the only party trick I know!
In fact I feel quite cheery today as I sit here awaiting a hearty meal and the impending arrival of my very good friends 'Chablis', 'St.Emilion' and 'Islay' . My other good friend, 'Bolli', arrived much earlier this morning but has already departed.
Twat Mas! Don't you just hate it?

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

How to climb 3ft ladder

The shit for brains health and safety inspectors are at it again.
The guardians of the 'nanny state' have insisted that 45 police officers attend a 2 hour course to learn how to use a 3ft step ladder!
Once 'qualified', to use this piece of complicated equipment, they then have to wear a high vis jacket and 'cone off' the ladder so that no-one bumps into it.

Excuse me but what the fuck has happened to good old common sense!

Will you 'nanny state' mongs stop wasting time and money on yet more mindless fucking bollocks. Please go and find something better to do with your lives. Perhaps you could pick up dead leaves on the M1 or something? Please.

I suggest that the police should concentrate on 'sorting out' all those drunken and aggressive wankers that are making our streets increasingly unsafe.
The best way that they can use a 3ft ladder is to clip those ignorant tossers around the ear with it - then, stick a fucking cone up their lardy arses, preferably fat end first, and with a slight left hand twist.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Dear Santa I Want Chavopoly Innit

Ideal game for those aggressive, benefit scrounging, fucking foul mouthed, bunch of petty criminals that infest our streets like dog shit.
Only problem is that most of those brain dead fuckwits can't even read.

Friday, 19 December 2008

Bush Says Brown Does

Here we go again!
George Bush has decided to throw money at the American car industry.
What a waste of fucking money.
If the American financial sector weren't such a load of fucking robdogs then their fat, burger loving countrymen would be able to afford to buy a car.
Sound familiar?
Pound to a pinch of shit that Gordoom follows suit.
Why wouldn't he?
Twat follows twat.
The British car industry was fucked years ago but that won't stop Brownfinger pissing cash up the wall to help out all the other countries that build cars in this country.
It's a fucking disgrace!
Pair of twats!

Saturday, 13 December 2008

BBC Scraps Coverage Over Breeding

Finally the BBC  has seen sense,
refusing to sanction the use of inbreeding,
by withdrawing TV coverage of the
annual parade of the diseased and disfigured.

No longer will we have to endure
the fucking ridiculous spectacle
of these mentally challenged inbreds
parading around in their finery
and barking at anyone who gets in their way.

Even The Scrapster wouldn't bone
his own sister/cousin/niece/mother.
He's got more fucking principles
than that pack of overfed fuckwits.

Also heard that the BBC
are scrapping it's coverage of Crufts in 2009.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Gordon Saves The World But Who Is Going To Save Us

Gordoom Brown has stated that he has saved the world.

This actually makes some sense.

Whilst he is still Prime Minister of this country, stumbling around from fuck-up to fuck-up wearing his Y Fronts outside of his 'troosers', he is leaving the rest of the world well alone.

Therefore, for the time being, they are safe.

We, however, remain completely and utterly fucked!

Being fucked is one thing but now Lord Mandy Meddlesome has started shoving his agenda in through the 'back door', it won't be long before we are all completely buggered as well.

Now that will fucking hurt!

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Tinsel Is Dangerous - It's Official

It's comforting to know that as Christmas approaches we can try and forget how much our pathetic government is ruining our lives by putting up a few cheery decorations.

But no, hold on a fucking minute, some wanker of a jobsworth at Scrooge Council HQ has decided that tinsel is dangerous!

A school lollipop man has been told to remove the tinsel from his lollipop because it may distract drivers and put children in danger. Apparently he was 'reported' to the Council by an anonymous passer-by, who had nothing better to do, the sad twat.

Answer me this, you tossers. How can a piece of tinsel be more distracting than some bloke dressed in bright yellow clothing holding a great big fucking lollipop.

Wake up smell the coffee, get a fucking life and stop wasting Council Tax payers money on small minded bollocks.


Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Anagram of Garden is Danger

Spotted this little gem by a like minded blogger.
Have a look at the video of the Health & Safety bloke,
he's fucking priceless!

Anagram of
Over Zealous Health & Safety Executive Officer?

That'll be 'TWAT' then!

Monday, 8 December 2008

Stansted Airport Protesters

I don't understand why they had to close the airport.

If those twats are so Plane Stupid,
that they can't see what is really affecting
the lives of normal people in this Country,
then they deserved to be fucking creamed
by any passing aircraft.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

The Spirit of Christmas

It just isn't the same anymore.
The only spirit of the season that remains
is a nice single malt from Islay.

Apart from the fact that it's
"all about the money"
Christmas, Xmas, Winter Festival
or whatever else the fuck it's called these days,
is yet another sad victim of the
'politically correct' minefield.

You can't send cards depicting Christ,
you can't perform the nativity in school
and whatever you do
don't sing a fucking carol,
just in case you offend someone
with other religious beliefs.

So I shall just be getting pissed
during the newly named festive period of
Grumpy Old Twat Mas

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Strictly Come Dancing Result - Austin Healey Out

There you have it, Austin Healey is out.
Fucking good job.

Only one more week
of this 'light on yer feet' shit to go.

Thank fuck for that!

X Factor Vs Strictly Come Dancing

Tonight is the big one, according to Pigsy.
It's the semi finals.

Whoopee fucking do, I can hardly wait . . . .
I can only think of one thing
that would be more exciting . . . .
Nailing my bollocks to the rear bumper
of a fast moving Porsche.

I couldn't give a flying toss about either of these twatathons
but I thought that I would try and make the effort. 

"So two people from each show get voted off tonight then"
I said, pretending to sound interested.

"No?" said Pigsy, in a 'fuck off don't be stupid' kind of way
that only women seem to be the master of.
"Only one from each show is going".

"Only one?" I said,
wishing that I hadn't started this conversation.
"How the fuck does that work then?"
"That means there'll be three in the final!"

"That's just the way it is" she said sounding exasperated.

Now I was getting cross.
"Semi is half of something" I said "4 minus 2 is fucking 2!"
"If one is going then 4 minus 1 is 3, so its a quarter final!"

"No?" says Pigsy, in that "don't be a twat" kind of way again.
"That was last week, when there were five left."

"Fucking five in a fucking quarter fucking final!"
I was definitely going off on one by now.
"So all those wankers, that produce these
bag o'shite programmes,
have re-written the laws of maths now have they?"

"What does it matter to you anyway" came the reply,
"You don't even watch them!"

Too fucking right I don't, I thought to myself.
"Just trying to show an interest my love"
I said unconvincingly

"Well don't" she said (I think that was an order)
"You'll only end up getting in a strop"

Too fucking late for that!

Do you ever wish that you hadn't fucking bothered?

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Barking Mad Muslims

Yet another example of PC madness.
Tayside Police have had to apologise to Islamic leaders after publishing a photograph of a puppy which was deemed to be "offensive" to Muslims.
Apparently Muslims think that dogs are dirty and disgusting.

What the fuck!

Excuse me for stating the bleeding obvious but I thought Tayside was in Britain and
Britain is predominately a dog loving country.
So what the buggery bollocks are we doing apologising
(yet again) to this oversensitive minority of fucking cretins.

Well I've got some free advice for those twats,
with dirty and disgusting beards, who don't like dogs.
Fuck the fuck off to a country that doesn't have as many.

That is all.

Only a Cock Would Buy A BMW

That's according to that twat Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear.
This of course is a ridiculous statement because Jeremy Cockson is a complete cock and does not own a BMW.
In fact the self opinionated prick is such a dick head that he can't even drive anymore because his bollocks are in his eyes! 

Some say that the Twat Gear presenter is currently 8 months pregnant, after being rear ended whilst loitering outside an underground toilet on Hampstead Heath.

Others say he talks fucking bollocks, his brain is the size of an ants foreskin and he is only interested in cars that cost over £50,000.

I say stop wasting our licence fee payers money on fucking shit, you obnoxious fat twat! 

Monday, 1 December 2008

Surf's Up But British Justice Is Drowning

I am absolutely fucking astounded!
What the buggery bollocks is happening to this Country?

Read this.

Then see what Old Holborn has to say about it.
As usual, he hits the nail right on the fucking head!

Prince William Gets His Cock Out

"Prince William lands his chopper in
Kate Middleton's back garden again"

Pictures of Prince William having a piss . . . . 
. . . so fucking what?
So the Royal Prince had to squeeze his ferret
with the wind in his hair?
Big fucking deal (small actually).
No twat here though . . . . it's just bollocks!

Sharon Shoesmith - What took so long?

The most hated woman in this country has finally been told to fuck off.
Hoo-fucking-ray and what took so fucking long.
Its been fifteen months since that bitch Shirksmith
and the equally useless bunch of fuckwits ,
that wank with her,
left poor Baby P (Peter Connelly) to die.

I'm now waiting for her well deserved arrest
on the grounds of manslaughter
and her subsequent sentencing.
It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to realise
that will be a long time coming!
Unlike Peter Connelly the wankers that are in a position
to bring her to justice
are all fucking spineless!