MSM Tuesday 26/10/10

It's been a while since Gotty last gave me some space on this blog, but as the ConDems seem to be just as bad (if not worse) than the last lot, I thought I would try and find a few snippets to cheer us all up. It hasn't been an easy task ..... firstly let this be a warning!

Unwanted penis tattooed on man's back

October 26, 2010 - 9:11AM

A Queensland man faces criminal charges after allegedly tattooing a 18" long penis onto his mate’s back. Police have charged a 21-year-old man from Bundamba, near Ipswich, with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm and one offence relating to the public safety act.

He will appear in Ipswich Magistrates Court on November 15. It will cost the 25-year-old alleged victim about $2000 to remove the lewd tattoo. It depicts a 18" long image of a penis and a misspelled slogan implying the man is gay. Police said the pair had a disagreement before the tattooing.

Ipswich Detective Constable Paul Malcolm said the victim was mortified by what happened to him.

‘‘The victim wasn’t interested (in a tattoo) at first but he was talked into it and he said he wanted a Yin and Yang symbol with some dragons,’’ Detective Malcolm told the Queensland Times today.

‘‘The bloke started doing the tattoo and there was another bloke standing there watching saying, ‘Mate, it’s looking really good.’

‘‘He was told not to go out into the sun and not to show anyone for a few weeks.

‘‘When he got home he showed it to the person he lives with and she said: ‘I don't think it’s the tattoo you were after’.’’

Next to all the bird lovers out there I have found the idea pet for our host ....

.... and it appears the bird is making a comeback in this neighbourhood:

Then there was the middle aged lady, who on reaching a certain age, decides to have a spot of cosmetic surgery down below... a bit of nip and tuck if you will.

When she wakes after surgery, there are three bunches of flowers on her table. She says to the nurse "Oh they're lovely, who are they from?"

The nurse replies "The first are from your surgeon, for being such a wonderful patient." "The second are from your husband, he wishes you a speedy recovery and is looking forward to touching the sides again." "And the third are from Eric in the Burns Unit to say thanks for the new ears."

Some of you may already have spotted the following clip which I posted on EyeTube, but if not have a chuckle:

Lastly I read that Brits have been bothering residents of a well known Austrian village by calling up and asking "Is that Fucking" ... and then laughing at them down the phone. Residents are upset over the amount of calls they receive from, often, drunk callers.

Mayor Siegfried Hauppl said: 'I don't know why the English have to go on about it all the time - we are always in the news but we are just a little village - we want to be left in peace.'

Though the article points out that the mayor of a Village in Switzerland, called Wank, told the Fucking residents to use their name as tourism since the Wank Guest House is always full.

Still, it could be worse - how do you think the residents of this place feel?

Microdave

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Female Hormones In Beer

Microdave brings us some more snippets of 'news' that have caught his eye and amused him, while he's been trawling around the interwebs . . . 

Science Break-through.
You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer in a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Next..... the proposed compulsory licensing of dogs may be a good idea, after all. (shame about the spelling though)

 click image to enlarge

Only in America.......

The best lawyer story of the year

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires..' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

And lastly a serious story with an amusing twist:

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

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MSM Tuesday 23/02/10

Welcome to a new, occasional series where Microdave brings us snippets of 'news' that have caught his eye and amused him, while he's been trawling around the interwebs . . . 

• Following on from an earlier story, one forum commenter said that, "Toyota should combine the Prius' faulty brakes and the Camry's jammed accelerators to create the Camrius: the most fuel-efficient death trap in automotive history."

• If you really want to know what a mobile phone does to your brain watch this:

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes

by sassiere

• It could only happen in America:

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour. "It's bad enough that they can't get this fixed during the week," said race winner Jamie McMurray, who finished in just over 15 hours. "And NASCAR doubles the fines for speeding in work zones, so there was nothing we could do." Disagreeing with McMurray was Emilio Ramirez, operator of the No. 0563 Rolaids/Chick-fil-A Caterpillar road grader, who earned time-and-a-half for the race and called the event a "rousing success."

WASHINGTON—Following the launch of a Justice Department criminal probe into the CIA's alleged abuse of detainees, the intelligence agency was forced last week to complete months of previously scheduled torture over the course of one frenzied weekend. "We were already way behind on false executions as it was," said CIA director Leon Panetta, who was overseeing the consolidation of several human pyramids into one large one so that relentless tauntings and other dehumanizing practices could be accomplished more efficiently. "Only three of the car batteries have any juice left, and these poor dogs are almost too tired to strike. If we weren't keeping these guys awake 24-7, there's no way we'd be able to wrap this up by Sunday." Panetta said that if the CIA didn't finish in time, he will order a covert operative to assassinate Russian president Dmitry Medvedev to take some of the pressure off.

• And finally, for today, here is G.O.T training his pet parrot:

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