Someone Is Taking The Piss, Right?

Oh, do fuck off!

I'm just not in the mood for this kind of shit today ... or any other fucking day!

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Green Gadget Guide

I spotted an article on the Telegraph website the other day ... Green Gadget Guide it was called. What a load of fucking bollocks! Basically, it was just a way for some green spunk monkey or other to sound all fucking pretentious about so-called energy saving devices and provide a vehicle for Amazon to flog, to all those gullible green mongs, a shit load of twatting tat.

Here is a small selection of their 'Top Ten' ... with my Gotty Green Gadget Guide (money saving alternative) following each cash wasting 'energy saving' item:

Water Pebble

Sits in your shower, recording the amount of water you use per wash. Using a system of traffic lights, it tells you when you’re using more than average and gradually cuts down the time until the amber or red lights come on. Cutting a shower from 22.5L to 18L uses one third less energy, but you probably won’t even notice.

Price : £7.25

Shower every other day. Uses 50% less energy and you probably won't even notice.

Price : Twat all

Ecobutton

Works simply by allowing you to press it once to switch them into their most efficient mode. It connects to your computer via a standard USB port, and is an illuminated reminder of how easy it can be to save electricity. To waken your computer from its ecoslumber, however, just one key press makes it come back instantly. It can save you up to £50 per year.

Price : £8.25

Go to preferences control panel and select energy saving mode. When you're not using your computer it puts itself to sleep. To waken your computer from it's 'ecoslumber', just press any key ... or click the fucking mouse. It can save you up to £100 per year.

Price : Sweet fuck all

Wattson Silver Lining Energy Monitor

A clip attaches to your home’s main power supply, and then the main monitor itself can be sited anywhere to display your energy usage in power and financial terms. This information can precipitate 20 per cent savings.

Price : £123.45

Look at your electricity bill when it arrives, it will display your energy usage in power and financial terms. If it's a huge fuck off bill it can precipitate 35% savings.

Price : Bugger all

Dell Latitude E6510

Unlike many ‘rugged’ laptops, which confuse durability with bulkiness, this Dell Latitude is sleekly styled but incredibly robust, thanks to reinforced hinges and latches and an almost indestructible display. Longer-lasting laptops mean less recycling.

Price : £1959

Treat you current laptop with respect. Don't use it as a TV dinner tray or as a frisbee while you're on the beach. The hinges and latches will be just fine if your name isn't Gordon Brown. Longer-lasting laptops mean less recycling.

Price : Fackawl, innit

Breville Hot Cup

Kettles are fundamentally inefficient pieces of technology: you guess how much water to put in, then you boil all of it without reference to how much you’re actually going to use. Water heaters, while not looking too attractive in the main, work by dispensing the perfect cupful from their tanks. It’s a simple, elegant solution.

Price : £44.95

Take cup, or mug, fill with water from tap. Empty cup, or mug, of water into kettle. Boil kettle. Using same cup, or mug, make your preferred hot drink. Easy to multiply by number of hot drinks required. It's a simple, efficient solution. It could well be elegant too, depending on the design of cup, or mug, you are using.

Price : (you guessed it) Fucking fuck all!

Green fucking gadgets!

What a fucking load of absolute twatting bastard bollocks!

Or .... as 'crosswordkid' more politely stated in the comments of that article :

"Green gadgets". In other words, how can we assuage your misplaced middle-class guilt and at the same time extract as much money as possible from your wallets?

Oh, and these things are a waste of fucking time, money and energy too.

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Halloween

Not much to say about it other than I don't miss those snotty nosed little bastards, knocking on my fucking  door, every five twatting minutes, the other 364 days of the fucking year.

"Trick or Treat mister?"

"Fuck off!"

However, I did like the way that bloke carved a pumpkin with a Glock, over at ASE's place .... fucking awesome. That led me to find another handy top tip video on how to 'kill' a pumpkin ....

Lovin' the 4 x 2 technique and the shotgun, of course ;-)

Happy fucking Halloween ... and if there are any other short arsed little fuckers left, that want to swing around my place trick or treating, then please use the bell push.

It's wired to the mains.

What a treat!

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Merseyside Police Beat Stab Victim

This jaw dropping video is 4 minutes 37 seconds of CCTV footage, taken by the cameras of Liverpool City Council, as 3 Merseyside police officers come to the 'aid' of Darren Grace who they had found staggering around Stanley Park, disorientated and bleeding. He had recently been the victim of a stab wound to the head during a party at a house nearby.

What follows next is almost un-fucking believable.

Watch it all, if you can stomach it, even the WPC has a fucking go ....

Even more un-fucking-believable, according to the full report in the Liverpool Echo, is that after this 'event' Darren Grace was initially charged with two counts of assaulting a police officer.

What the fuck!

However, those charges were eventually dropped when the Crown Prosecution Service saw the tape and realised there wasn’t enough evidence “to provide a realistic prospect of a conviction”.

No fucking shit Sherlock!

Superintendent Mike Shaw, from Merseyside Police’s Professional Standards Department, said "As a police force we expect the highest standards from our officers ... In this case I understand that members of the public will be concerned when watching this footage. However I would like to stress that CCTV images can never show the whole story."

You have got to be shitting me. What the fuck I have just watched there then? A kind bobby helping a frail old lady across the road? Oh, just do fuck off.

And another thing if "CCTV images can never show the whole story", how the fuck is it that the police can charge and prosecute members of the public, whilst using CCTV footage as key evidence.

Which the fuck is it it then Mikey baby? Is CCTV footage allowable as evidence or not? No, don't bother bastard well answering that. We can kinda guess what the response will be, eh.

Incidentally, no charges have yet been brought against any of the officers involved .. in fact they haven't even been suspended yet. The incident happened on August 1st.

I'm off for a lie down.

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Wayne Rooney Signs New Contract

Why the fuck is that brain dead, talentless, overpaid, uncouth, Man Utd football player, Wayne Rooney ... headline news at the moment? From what I can see he hasn't 'saved the world' or committed mass murder, or any such shit, all Wayne Rooney has done is sign a new contract, for fucks sake.  What the fuck is that all about? So the thick monkey boy look-a-likee can use a pen! Who the fuck cares? Aren't there more important things worthy of being breaking news than some half baked fuckwit, screwing the public for all the money they can get? We already have the banks doing that don't we.

Pikey cunt.

Image nicked from here ;-)

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Richard Curtis Talks About The 10:10 Mini-Movie No Pressure

In this short documentary Richard Curtis, the man behind Comic Relief and the writer responsible for the 10:10 No Pressure mini-movie, gives us his insight into the making of the 'splattergate' eco fascist film. It also includes cameo appearances from Franny Armstrong, the film's director, and that tree hugging marxist and Forrest Gump impersonator, Red Ed Miliband.

Incidentally, following a tip off from a commentor here, I'm rather looking forward to today's official statement from Sony who have taken the decision to disassociate themselves as one of the official partners of the 10:10 project. I see their name has already disappeared from the list of sponsors and funders. Hmmm, I wonder if the BBC, as producers of Comic Relief, will also be withdrawing their support any time soon?

No pressure ;-)

+++ LATEST +++

Via The Filthy Engineer,
I see that the 'splattergate' outrage is starting to go global .....

My previous posts on the 10:10 eco fascists
can be found HERE and HERE.

Climate Change : The Final Solution ++++Updated++++

Much better than the original 10:10 mini-movie version .......

No pressure!



+++ UPDATE +++

How exciting!

I see those 10:10 fuckwits have got a 'Make Your Own Poster' facility on their webshite. Well .... it'd be fucking rude not to, wouldn't it. Here's mine ......

Have a go yourself HERE ;-)

No Pressure ++Updated++

Does anyone out there know what effect industrial quantities of boiled piss has on the habitat of polar bears ..... I can't think it does the seal scoffing furry fuckers many favours. So perhaps the likes of Richard Curtis, Gillian Anderson, Radiohead and a group of fucktard Spurs football players might like to think about that before they start trying to brain wash our kids with this load of scaremongering bollocks:

How the fucketty fuck do 10:10UK suppose that this self gratifying, holier than fucking thou, delusional, over indulgent, warmist wankfest of a 'mini-movie' is going to help reduce environmentally damaging emissions.

1. The 40 or so strong film crew all walked to the locations and used solar power to run all their lorry loads of equipment, did they.

2. They hadn't reckoned on a tsunami of boiled piss sweeping all before it every time I watched that load of liberal lefty propaganda, causing untolled environmental destruction.

3. MMGW is total bollocks anyway.

Oh, and if you'd like to tell those 10:10 twats what you think via Twitter then you can twatter the twatting twats right here ..... @1010 ..... No Pressure.

+++UPDATED+++

As mentioned in the comments, due to the uproar, 10:10 have already pulled the video from YouTube but they're fucking well  mistaken if they think it's going to disappear that easily. MicroDave has already uploaded a copy to EyeTube, so here it is:

Richard 'the climate cunt' Curtis and his warmist mutual masturbation mongs have also issued an apology of an apology and, courtesy of SadButMadLad via the comments, here's what it says:

"Today we put up a mini-movie about 10:10 and climate change called 'No Pressure’.

With climate change becoming increasingly threatening, and decreasingly talked about in the media, we wanted to find a way to bring this critical issue back into the headlines whilst making people laugh. We were therefore delighted when Britain's leading comedy writer, Richard Curtis - writer of Blackadder, Four Weddings, Notting Hill and many others – agreed to write a short film for the 10:10 campaign. Many people found the resulting film extremely funny, but unfortunately some didn't and we sincerely apologise to anybody we have offended.

As a result of these concerns we've taken it off our website.

We'd like to thank the 50+ film professionals and 40+ actors and extras and who gave their time and equipment to the film for free. We greatly value your contributions and the tremendous enthusiasm and professionalism you brought to the project.

At 10:10 we're all about trying new and creative ways of getting people to take action on climate change. Unfortunately in this instance we missed the mark. Oh well, we live and learn.

Onwards and upwards,

Eugenie, Franny, Lizzie and the whole 10:10 team"

What a load of fucking bollocks.
Free? Free my fucking arse. Here are the financiers .....

ActionAid
The Carbon Trust
The Energy Saving Trust
The Guardian
O2
Sony
Kyocera

They have all helped to fund the 10:10 Campaign.



My piss hasn't stopped boiling yet.

That Kevin Pietersen Tweet

In case you missed it, here is a copy of the Kevin Pietersen tweet that he wacked up on twitter earlier today. It has since been hastily removed due to the expletive he used when announcing he'd been excluded from the England cricket Team T20 and 50 over One day squads, to play against the match fixing Pakistan team.

Get over it Kevin, you big girls blouse, your current form is a bag of fucking shite. So fuck the fuck off and don't come back until you've earned the right to play for England again, just like every other fucker has to.

That is all.

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 8]

Have you noticed all that 'elf 'n' safety' bollocks that's on the back of a Marks & Spencer sandwich packet these days? By the time you've digested that fucking load of shite the 'Best Before' date will have expired. Then you'd have to throw the fucking sandwich away!

It's the rules .... it's 'elf 'n' safety', innit.

Twats!

Well at least we know what Ampers' taste in sandwiches is now ;-)

How To Deal With Sales Calls

A BT rep makes an unsolicited sales call to a Grumpy Old Twat.

Oh dear ......

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 5]

Yep, the weekend is here and the weather is looking good for the next few days. It's time to grab your pigskin suitcase, chuck in your designer burkini .....

or make one yourself if you prefer ......

and head off to your halal holiday in the sun.

I fucking well shit you not ...... thanks to some excellent journalism from the BBC on behalf of all TV licence fee payers everywhere. And don't even fucking start me on bastard Ramadan .... oh, ok then but you'll have to wait until tomorrow for that.

I need a fucking drink!

Pakistan Flooding Appeal

So the UN are telling us all to donate our hard earned cash in an attempt to raise £290 million to help save the victims of the Pakistan floods. If we don't, so they tell us, many more people will die.

Just out of interest you might like to know that China have recently bunged Pakistan $200 million to help support their space program. Oh, and only 10 days ago the Pakistan Prime Minster said that Pakistan will never compromise on it's $2 billion nuclear program".

I can't really speak for Pakistan but suffice to say my financial priorities don't concern the victims of a couple of heavy rain showers and bit of flooding either. I'm too busy paying for other things too ...... like food and a roof over the head of my family.

So ...... if anyone at the U-fucking-N is reading this, very sorry and all that but, charity begins at home and I suggest you relay that message to both the President and Prime Minister of Pakistan.

In the meantime .....

Fuck The Press!

Picture the scene.

A thousand or so reporters from newspapers around the world all crowded on to Santa Catalina, a small island off California. An aeroplane lands, and a male and female with blankets over their heads are shepherded into a black car with blacked out windows and driven off at high speed, with photographers flashing their cameras like maniacs, desperately trying to catch an exclusive photo through the blackened windows.

Then there is an absolute frenzy outside the grounds of the house, where the wedding is to take place, with reporters and paps climbing over fences to get their stories and pictures.

Meanwhile, Robbie Williams and his woman get married quietly, with a few friends watching, in his Beverly Hills mansion. If I could have been anywhere I'd have loved to be on that island, to capture the moment, when the reporters and paps learn that they've been well and fucking truly had.

Fucking brilliant!

via a tip off from our glitzy showbiz correspondent, AllstarsAmpers

Piss Boiler Of The Week

School dinners for thousands of pupils in Britain will contain only halal meat from next month. This will now mean that more non-Muslims will be consuming halal meat in Britain than Muslims.

Fuck the mother fucking, fucketty, fucking, fuck off!

Another Shit Load Of Crap!

A couple of weeks ago we heard about this.

Now there's THIS.

Hmmm ...... there obviously seems to be a pattern developing here. Perhaps those in the know are getting ready for the major influx of arsewipes and shitwipes from Turkey.

Oh, and another thing ..... I thought this bastard lot had been banned!

Well ..... if that's the case, what the cunting fuck is this then?

Oh, for fucking fuck's sake! 

STOP PRESS:

The Islamic satellite channel al-Daleel has announced the groundbreaking launch of a new express service that delivers fatwas around the clock, to muzzie fuckwits everywhere, during the holy month of Ramadan.

I shit you not.

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 4]

The BP oil spill fuckathon advert is my fucking advert of the fucking week. The best fucking advert I've fucking seen in a fucking long fucking time, just because the fuckers in the fucking video use fucks like they're going out of fucking fashion.

Fucking well brilliant!

PS. Any fucker out there have the fucking resources to help me make a fucking advert like this fucker based on fucked up Broken Britain? Now that fucking fucker would be a fucking good fucker of a video!

Turkey Basting Bastard!

What he said and what he said too.....

..... by the fucking bucket load!

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 2]

The other day I needed to go to the doctors. The thought of having to sit there waiting for four hours was doing my twatting head in. So ...... I put on my old army fatigues and stuck a badge onto the front of my shirt, one which I had downloaded from the internet.

When I arrived at the doctors, I noticed that four of the people immediately got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. That cut at least three hours off my waiting time.

I also found it helped to cut the queue at the benefit office too.

The badge saved me five hours there.

Three minutes after entering the launderette I had my choice of any machine, even though they were all being used when I walked in.

A word of warning though.... don't try it at McDonald's.

The whole fucking crew got up and left and l never got my order.

CLICK HERE if you'd like a copy of my badge and feel free to use it the next time you can't be fucked to wait in a queue ;-)

Meanwhile I see McDonald's, in conjunction with Stonewall, are now doing a gayer version of the Quarter Pounder. Presumably you'll still able to 'go large' and have cheese with it .....

Thanks to Ampers for the badge story

This Blog Post Sounds Angry

Are you are one of those people that say 'what the fuck use is that to anybody' whenever you see someone has invented an apparently useless gadget or a 'who the fuck in their right mind is going to use that' piece of software or app?

Well then, you're in for a treat because some anally retarded code writing geek has decided that we are all going to need this pointless piece of shite.

G.O.T. also understands that they are considering  a similar version for blogger comments too.

Now pin yer bastard lugholes back and listen to this, Mr 'don't-get-out-in-the-daylight-much-socially-dysfunctional-when-I-meet-real-people-too-much-fucking-time-on-my-fucking-hands-sad-twatty-techy-geek' ..... no-one needs a piece of software to decode the tone of MY emails and comments.

When I say 'fuck the mother fucking fucketty fuck off, you cunting pile of shit piss smeg wankstain .... I don't mean 'have a nice day, old bean'.

G.O.T. it!