Is The X Factor Fixed? ++ Updated ++

Why are England so bad at football? Is the X Factor fixed? Who is Justin Bieber? What does the Grumpy Old Twat do for a living*? Where is Raoul Moat? These are just some of the all important questions that are worrying Jill and Joe Public, across the UK at the moment.

Oh for fuck's sake! Is that really what the majority of the UK are worried about these days. What about the Afghan War, the demise of decent Justice in this country, the corruption of the European Union and the continuing islamification of the UK which is eroding our sovereignty, the total bollocks that is MMGW ....

.... or the state's 24/7 surveillance of everything we do or say?

Nope.

There are for more important things afoot.

Just look at the full Top 20 list of 'rising questions' on the Ask Jeeves website:

1. Why are England so bad at football?
2. Is the X-Factor fixed?
3. What is the Government going to cut next?
4. Who is Justin Bieber?
5. Did I vote for the right party?
6. Do all footballers cheat?
7. Should I buy an iPad?
8. What is Glee?
9. Why didn't Coleen leave Wayne?
10. Will Big Brother ever come back?
11. Why didn't Cheryl put Gamu through?
12. Where can I buy a micro pig?
13. Will I still get child benefit?
14. How are the Chilean miners surviving?
15. Where is the ash cloud?
16. Why did that woman put the cat in the bin?
17. When will the recession end?
18. Who killed Archie Mitchell?
19. Where can I buy a vuvuzela?
20. Where is Raoul Moat?

Give me strength.

Will all the fuckwits who are living in cloud-fucking-cuckoo land, please wake the fuck up and smell the twatting coffee! If you don't do it soon it'll be too fucking late and then you'll be asking the question: "I was watching X Factor at the time and didn't notice a thing but when was it exactly that we all became totally fucked?


+++ UPDATE +++

And that's from someone who actually won the very first X Factor! Fair play to him for taking the trouble to comment although I object to being compared to Alf Garnett. He was a reactionary, mean-spirited, selfish, bigoted, anti-Irish, anti-Catholic, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, West Ham supporting anti-Semitic played by a Jewish actor ... wasn't he?

Perhaps Steve just meant I was a reactionary ;-)

*I made that fucker up, obviously.
.

Grumpy Old Twat Doesn't Do . . .

. . . Christmas wrapping paper (celebrity or otherwise) but if he did . . .

Hide the decline by Phil Jones

Troughligate by The 646

Not until the bitter end by New Labour

X Factor fucktards by Jedward

Has she got a willy? by Lady Gaga

Global reputation by Gordon Brown

Grumpy Old Twat christmas wrapping paper . . .

. . . probably the best tasteless christmas wrapping paper in the world ;-)

.

X Factor Vs Strictly Come Dancing

Wow!

Tonight is the big one, according to Pigsy.

It's the semi finals.

Whoopee fucking do, I can hardly wait . . . .

I can only think of one thing

that would be more exciting . . . .

Nailing my bollocks to the rear bumper

of a fast moving Porsche.

I couldn't give a flying toss about either of these twatathons

but I thought that I would try and make the effort. 

"So two people from each show get voted off tonight then"

I said, pretending to sound interested.

"No?" said Pigsy, in a 'fuck off don't be stupid' kind of way

that only women seem to be the master of.

"Only one from each show is going".

"Only one?" I said,

wishing that I hadn't started this conversation.

"How the fuck does that work then?"

"That means there'll be three in the final!"

"That's just the way it is" she said sounding exasperated.

Now I was getting cross.

"Semi is half of something" I said "4 minus 2 is fucking 2!"

"If one is going then 4 minus 1 is 3, so its a quarter final!"

"No?" says Pigsy, in that "don't be a twat" kind of way again.

"That was last week, when there were five left."

"Fucking five in a fucking quarter fucking final!"

I was definitely going off on one by now.

"So all those wankers, that produce these

bag o'shite programmes,

have re-written the laws of maths now have they?"

"What does it matter to you anyway" came the reply,

"You don't even watch them!"

Too fucking right I don't, I thought to myself.

"Just trying to show an interest my love"

I said unconvincingly

"Well don't" she said (I think that was an order)

"You'll only end up getting in a strop"

Too fucking late for that!

Do you ever wish that you hadn't fucking bothered?