Twattery

I can't even be fucked to say thank fuck it's friday, this week, but I do have a mish mash of twattery that I'd like to share. Most of it has boiled my piss, no fucking change there then, but I'll start with something which should be far more entertaining:

• It's that time of year again where we can all get our votes in for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award ... fuck that! It'll be much more fun getting your votes in for the Cunt of the Year Awards 2010 instead. There's even five different categories to have a go at ... so, if you fancy a bit of cuntishness, you can vote for your 2010 cunts HERE.

• I hesitated before posting on this because the cunt really doesn't deserve the oxygen of publicity but he's really making my piss boil this time. Flaunting everything that he's been buying with the benefit money that we've all earnt for him. The axe murderer has been filming himself for YouTube again.

• The islamic arsewipes that are building a mosque, only two blocks away from the Ground Zero site, have applied to the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation to secure federal funds set aside for post 9/11 rebuilding projects.

• An elderly lady lies on the tarmac twitching and moaning slightly. So, when asked for assistance, Tesco do everything they can to help the poor woman in distress ... right. Nope. What a wretched country we have become.

• I thought Cameron said that we all had to pull together to reduce the enormous budget deficit that's going to burden the UK for generations to come. Presumably when the spineless, chinless, gutless, duplicitous dickwipe says 'we' he actually only means us. Why else would this sort of thing still be going on then!

Fuck it! Fuck the the fuckers who are intent on fucking us all 'til we're fucked. I'm off to tackle industrial quantities of red wine with an occasional interlude to bang my head up the fucking wall and clamp a bag of frozen peas to my bladder region.

Meanwhile ... I'll finally leave you with this ...

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This Is A Joke Right?

Surely this bloke Mitch Benn has got to be shitting me. Hasn't he?

"I'm happy to announce I'm proud of the BBC", he says.

He's even made a video about it and you can download the single on iTunes and everything .... he says.

What the fuck!  Nah .... this is a wind-up, surely ....

Yeah ... he's just taking the piss. He must be. I mean, who in their right mind would also go to all the trouble of  producing a T-shirt to go with it. You know, one like this, which you'd spend  money designing and producing, in the hope that you can sell shit loads of them and make a tidy profit .....

Nah .... this is a wind-up, surely. I mean no-one is ever going to buy one of those fuckers, are they. It'd be fucking pointless to even think of making them. Wouldn't it.

Hmmm .... please tell me this a joke.

>

No, No, No, No and Again No

Neighbourhood Watch stickers are a health and safety hazard.

So Thurrock Council will rip the fuckers off your door for you.

Romanian puts concrete blocks on railway line, we pay for translator.
Surely he understands "fuck off back to Romania".

Puppy bakes to death in a car.
Owners say they loved that dog like a child.

Bank worker dumps kitten in a wheelie bin.
"I thought it would be funny and it would wriggle free".

90 year old too frail to live alone but still faces eviction from care home.

Judge and jury council stop paying bills because they say she is too healthy.



* I'm going to scream until my lungs hurt then bang my fucking head up the wall and then go and sit in the corner of a dark room to suck my thumb and cuddle my teddy bear*

Speed Cameras +++ Updated +++

Road safety protestors have been thrown into an apoplectic rage by news that, across the country, speed cameras are to be de-activated as a cost cutting exercise writes Gildas Clarkson-Monk, our motoring correspondent.

“Road Safety GB”, a national road safety organisation that represents local government road safety terms across the UK, has criticised the decision as has top traffic cop Chief Cunstable of Gwent Mick Giannasi. It comes as the government cuts £38 million pounds off its road safety budget. 

“It will be the end of western civilisation as we know it,” said Giannasi. “Where will we be in this country if bossy little cunts like us aren’t able to watch your every move and fine you ridiculous amounts for arbitrarily imposed offences. Dear Christ, we might even use some of the money, ACPO makes for charging up to £70 a shot, for a quick perusal of the Police National Computer which actually costs us 60 pence instead. Children will starve, the land will be wasted and dead goats will spew from the very mouth of Satan”.

Meanwhile Norman Sensible, spokesman for the National League for Responsible Driving, said a more balanced approach should be taken. “There are always pros and cons,” said Mr Sensible “but in this case Giannasi is talking out of his arse, it's total shite. Good riddance to the tax raising, greed camera racket, perhaps we can just drive sensibly instead. Then I suggest that we burn the rest of the bastard things, rip 'em out of the fucking ground with a JCB and tip the fuckers through the window of the nearest cop shop.”

Additional reporting by Ayrton Senna.

+++ UPDATE +++

Following a request in the comments, here's my effort at an Apache helicopter cracking off a few rounds at the speed camera .......

Question of the Week

What the hell goes through the tiny minds of some parents when they decide to give their children ridiculous birth names? I thought calling your offspring Tangerine or Boat or Asmatik or Virgin was fucking horrendous enough but can you possibly imagine how bad life would be, being burdened with a name like ..... Two Faced Bastard Liar, for the rest of your natural days.

Nine separate sets of parents, that I know of, have done just that.

What the fuck!

Seriously though, isn't that grounds for child cruelty or some such shit?

Obama Is A Shit : New Evidence

Apart from this, I mean.

Labour Mentality Lives On

A new Government funded college course is claiming to prepare young women for the business world. "The course was a good chance for the girls to have a go at something different, in addition to the sports, dance and singing clubs on offer"

The 6 week course is run by Chyna Whyne who claims her life was made a misery because she wasn't taught (wait for it .... wait for it .... and find something suitable to bite on, if you're easily riled) how to walk in high heels at a young age. Yes, that's fucking right! Never mind all the other thousands of things that would be far more fucking useful out there, in the big bad world of business, let's teach teenage girls how to 'totter-the-fuck-around' in high heels shall we.

And the name of this Government funded waste of fucking money?
"Sexy Heels In The City".

Give me fucking strength!*

*(and an extra bottle of vin rouge, which I reckon Ampers ought to pay for.
He emailed me the link which sent my piss into a state of fucking hyper boil)

Who Lives In A House Like This?

Let me give you a few clues.

He is forever ranting on the internet about people who receive benefits - despite the fact that his family are in receipt of Incapacity Benefit, Disability Living Allowance, Housing Benefit, Council Tax Benefit and Child Tax Credit.

His disability is the result of years of steroid abuse.

He's U.A.F., New Labour, a Tory, an English Democrat, a blogger, an ex BNP activist and, just for good measure, this grown man poses as a fifteen year old on a teenage chat forum.

If you think that lot is unbelievable . . . . . how about the fact that he's been a British patriot, then a Communist, then a Muslim and now he's a Jew.

Have you got it yet?

Confused Dot Com has got nothing on this fucking nutter.

Budget 2010 ++Live Chat++

Shit Caption Competition

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Stunning Cunt Performs Cunning Stunt

What a total cunt this man is.

The very next day after he blagged his way through 'his evidence' and lied his fat fucking face off about how he did everything in his power to help the armed forces, he just happens to pay a visit to our troops in Afghanistan. "I've planned this visit for some time", says the lying, deluded, bullying, unelected, blood stained, bell end cheese taster.

Well I say he's a lying cunt and this is yet another pathetic example in a long fucking list of pathetic examples by a sad, lonely, drug dependent, talentless, out of control, power crazed, shit stain who will do anything, and I mean anything, to try and 'win' votes.

Even laugh in the faces of dead troops' bereaved relatives.

I repeat.
What a total cunt this man is.

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Jimmy Carr Amputee

Only one word from me.

Cunt.

TheEye has a few more here