++++Breaking News++++

To be honest after the piss, shit, fuck, wank of a day I've had today I just can't be fucking well arsed with all that General Election bollocks tonight. As for the breaking news? Well, there's got be some fucking bullshit or other happening somewhere.......

tip of the Grumpy Old Cunt's cap to MicroDave

Obama Unveils Presidential Poodle

Bollock Obummer officially announced the adoption of his new presidential poodle shortly after the recent G20 summit. Nicknamed 'Shitter', it is a rare Scottish Shitzyu breed which are renowned for being experts at burying things.

Although not fully house trained the Obummers are hoping that 'Shitter' will soon stop pissing everywhere once he gets used to the training pads. His other habit, of using his arse to smear shit on to anyone that upsets him, is thought to be due to some type of arrogant mental health problem coupled with a tendency to bark up the wrong tree.

Obummer says that he has consulted a British Lord about 'Shitter's' dirty habit and he advises him that a butt plug should cure this.

Although 'Shitter' only has one-eye, is grossly overweight due to his penchant for fois gras and also has anger management problems they are also hoping to employ an animal physcotherapist called O'Dollie D'Raper to assist with his all around well being.

It's Never His Fault

From the Daily Twatlegraph:

Brainless twat riding mobility scooter takes yet another wrong turn and ends up on dual carriageway

Apparently a senile fat twat from Westminster had popped out to pick up some incontinence pants and a tin of foie gras from his local paki shop but lost his way and ended up on a road to nowhere. Not an uncommon incident by all accounts.

Undaunted by everything going on around him the stupid old pant wetter continued on, regardless of anyone or anything around him, determined to reach his goal whatever the consequences.

He was eventually spotted by a well to do man who was riding in the back of a Rolls Royce at the time. The car pulled along side and the inappropriate looking chap wound down his blacked out window and beckoned him over. "It appears that you have lost your way again, can I give you a ride?" He said, looking over his spectacles. "I'm on my way to ManMuncher and I'll let you suck my lollipop if you like."

"Not now" said the half blind half wit " but I'll give you a ring, with pleasure, later."

The plastic police patrol were eventually called by a rather sour faced, fat bitch wearing jackboots and a small moustache, who was driving a panzer tank. "Get  this useless twat out of my way or I'll have you killed" she said "That's how much power I have. I'm very important. I have two properties paid for by anybody who is left working, you know."

The phoney cops followed the trail of piss up the road until they eventually caught up with the pathetic twat who had skidded on a pile of his own snot.

"It's not my fault!" protested the confused cunt, shaking with rage. "Somebody must have changed the road signs and made me go in the wrong direction, it's not my fault I tell you, it must have been somebody else!"

"It's not my fault!"

No, it never is your fault is it.

You one eyed, pant wetting twat!