The Fuckwittery Continues

Here are five more pieces of fuckwittery that'll be almost guaranteed to wipe the that smile off your face and quickly raise the temperature of your piss to boiling point. All five of the fuckwittering fuckers had me screaming 'fuck off' at my, now spittle splattered, widescreen monitor .... then rushing off to pressure wash and steam clean the garden path.

A-fucking-gain!

Government plans to sell off nearly one million acres of Britain's forests

Legislation protecting Forest of Dean, Sherwood Forest and other ancient woodlands, some included in the 1215 Magna Carta, are likely to be changed to give private firms the right to cut down trees.

Top tips to help you Green your Halloween
Halloween creates a lot of waste, dropped sweet wrappers, discarded plastic masks, and unwanted pumpkins. Fear not! Ecologically minded websites are giving us all tips on how to protect the environment, this Halloween.

Slot Gob's sister converts to Islam after a holy experience

"It was a Tuesday evening and I sat down and felt this shot of spiritual morphine, just absolute bliss and joy. Now I don’t eat pork and I read the Koran every day. I’m on page 60."

No more beef, cheese, tea and coffee it'll help combat climate change

We must eat more vegetables and pulses to reduce food transportation and start using microwave ovens and pressure cookers to reduce energy consumption, say the Government food police.

Plainclothed traffic wardens in unmarked cars issuing parking fines
London council continues using covert tactics despite the Parking and Traffic Appeals service overturning the fines issued by non-uniformed officers.

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What's Nick Clegg Looking at ....

.... or is that primary school kid trying to teach him something?

Tuition Fees, Just Another Example

From September 2009:

Those signing the Vote for Students pledge, [opposing the hike in fees] which include Nick Clegg, Sir Menzies Campbell and Vince Cable as well as a group of current and former Labour ministers, have given the first clear indication of their position on tuition fees ahead of the Browne review due in the autumn.

October 2010:

Cable abandons Lib Dem pledge on tuition fees by accepting the main proposal of Lord Browne .... that the limit on fees should be lifted.

Just as wish-washy, spineless and hypocritical as ever then. It's the power, you see. Pledges, promises and principles mean fuck all, to any of them, once they've secured your vote and begin to breathe the politically polluted air within the Westminster Bubble.

They're all the fucking same. Whatever the 'party'.

Deja Fucking Vu

April 1992

“The National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS) is a United Kingdom policing agency set up as a separate body to centralize the gathering and distribution of intelligence on serious and organized criminal matters. The media have heralded the creation of NCIS as being similar to the FBI. NCIS will be formed out of the National Drugs Intelligence Unit in the Home Office. NCIS will concentrate on drugs, financial crime, immigration, firearms and organized crime.

April 1998

“The National Crime Squad (NCS) is to be a police organisation which will deal mainly with organised and major crimes. Formed from the amalgamation of six former Regional Crime Squads, the NCS will report directly to the Home Office and will have nationwide and international jurisdiction.

It will primarily deal with organised crime, major drug trafficking, illegal arms dealing, human trafficking, computer and high-tech crime, money counterfeiting and laundering, extortion, kidnapping and murder relating to any of the above. Lastly, it will augment and support regional forces throughout the United Kingdom.

The unit has been likened to the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)”.

September 2005

“The Home Office is setting up the Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) to tackle high level criminality in an “efficient and ruthless” manner. Due to be operational from 2006, the SOCA represents the biggest shake-up of our national policing structure since 1992.

Swiftly dubbed the British version of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) by the media, the Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) brings together the responsibilities once shared by the National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS) and the National Crime Squad (NCS), while also taking on organised crime investigations previously handled by the immigration service and Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise”.

July 2010

“Plans for a massive shake-up in policing in England and Wales are set to be outlined by the home secretary. A new national crime-fighting agency, likely to be dubbed Britain’s FBI, is among Theresa May’s proposals. The Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) is expected to be scrapped just four years after it was set up by Labour. SOCA will be replaced by the National Crime Agency (NCA), which will include a new border police unit, the child exploitation and online protection centre (CEOP) and parts of the National Policing Improvement Agency.

* sigh *

Now, I'm not one to fucking well Labour a point but the Cleggeron Coalition certainly seem to be. Not to mention the little matter of £15 million quid of tax payers' cash for that shiny new logo, eh.

Just saying.

Info unashamedly nicked from Inspector Gadget, the man in the know ;-)

The Brokeback Coalition

David Davis has been overheard by reporters repeating a description of the partnership between David Cameron and Nick Clegg as "The Brokeback Coalition", a phrase which he attributed to Lord Ashcroft.

Rather entertainingly, I thought I would remind you that, Davis is the much heralded hero and ex boss of conservative blogger Iain Dale. Oh, the irony of it all. Standby for the inevitable fat poof hissy fit, anytime soon ......

Quotes of Quimishness

"As we tear through the statute book, we'll do something no government ever has. We will ask you which laws you think should go,"

But, of course, we're not going to take any fucking notice. We'll just cherry cunting pick the ones that we wanted to have anyway. As this hypocuntical, coaltion, cock wipe, clearly demonstrates here.

"Of course, there are suggestions which aren't going to be taken up by this government whether it's .... I dunno [shrug], changing the smoking ban"

That's just one popular suggestion that's been ignored. How many others will there be I wonder? Sadly, I'm not surprised of course but it doesn't make me any less fucking angry to be proved bastard well right ....

Sayeeda Warsi Watch

Here's the latest offering from webcameronuk, with Warsi showing us around her new office and looking forward to exciting times ahead, apparently.

All very twee, all very nice and cosy:

However, as one of our regulars has pointed out, are we to assume that the reading material pictured on the table, @0:42, is going to be standard issue to all of the Conservative hierarchy.

Hmmm, yet another unelected politician (and this time from an unelected Party) getting their feet under the table before insidiously guiding their hidden agenda through the parliamentary system.

Continuing the New Labour penchant for Islamification and Sharia Law ..... perhaps?

As to her suggestions about what to put up on the office wall.

How about a great big, fuck off sized Union Jack.

I won't hold my breath.

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Labour Mentality Lives On

A new Government funded college course is claiming to prepare young women for the business world. "The course was a good chance for the girls to have a go at something different, in addition to the sports, dance and singing clubs on offer"

The 6 week course is run by Chyna Whyne who claims her life was made a misery because she wasn't taught (wait for it .... wait for it .... and find something suitable to bite on, if you're easily riled) how to walk in high heels at a young age. Yes, that's fucking right! Never mind all the other thousands of things that would be far more fucking useful out there, in the big bad world of business, let's teach teenage girls how to 'totter-the-fuck-around' in high heels shall we.

And the name of this Government funded waste of fucking money?
"Sexy Heels In The City".

Give me fucking strength!*

*(and an extra bottle of vin rouge, which I reckon Ampers ought to pay for.
He emailed me the link which sent my piss into a state of fucking hyper boil)

Lib ConFused.com

Is it just me or does anyone else feel a bit confused dot com, about the political leanings of the 'cure all coalition' of Dick and Dom  Ant and Dec  Laurel and Hardy  Morecombe and Wise  The Chuckle Brothers Dave and Nick?

We appear to have a Conservative PM who thinks he's Tony Blair 2 and who is quietly leaning further to the left than my Aunty Eileen (whose left peg is 3 inches shorter than the right), and then there's the Deputy Dawg PM. For a so called 'more-in-common-with-Labour' Liberal Democrat he seems awfully Conservative these days ...... dontcha think?

Don't get me wrong, I'm damn well over the fucking moon that Gordon 'the cuntry fucker' Brown has had his fingernails removed from the No.10 door jambs with a plasma cutter. So ...... perhaps I'm just being a grumpy old twat ...... ungrateful and a bit over critical, about the early efforts of Duplicitous Dave and Notonyernelly Nick?

Maybe it's a question of wait and see because, after all, if I was really disillusioned I might have considered checking out another comparison webshite instead ......

Incidentally, my lovely old gran once told me that .....
'two wrongs don't make a right'.

Now she was a proper Conservative ;-)

I miss her.

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Coalition Repeal Bill

On May 19th, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg announced what has been dubbed 'The Great Repeal Bill' with this promise:

"And as we tear through the statute book, we'll do something no government ever has: We will ask you which laws you think should go."

Dicky P would like to make sure we that we have as many people as possible, ready to roll, just in case Nick totally astounds us by actually turning his words into actions.

Please consider joining this Facebook Group.

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The Coalition Tankard

I first caught sight of this 'check it 3 times it looks like a fucking wind up' advert for a coalition commemorative tankard wankard mug, over at Lakey's place, a couple of days ago. He kids us not that this is a genuine product and not one of his excellent photoshopping efforts .......

I was still not convinced. It's a joke right? I mean, who the fuck in their right mind would want one of these vomit inducing pieces of china on their sideboard? It's just so fucking wrong on so many levels, not least the jaw dropping price of £29 -fuckin-95, plus p+p of course.

I was so fucking nauseous that I couldn't even be arsed to do a pisstake 'shop' of the thing, on the grounds that I didn't care too much for picking the carrot chunks out of my keyboard whilst I was working on the image.

However, all that changed when Anna posted a copy of the original advert and with it an invitation to submit an alternative version of the gruesome twosome tankard. A challenge is a challenge, right?

grab a sick bag before you click the image to enlarge

Don't even talk to me about photoshopping the Gordon Brown wankard, the strapline was enough to send me into orbit. Anyway, I've done more than my fair share of that twat already and I just can't take anymore of his ugly mug.

Lib Lab Con Coalition