Sunday, 28 February 2010

Act On Co2 Emissions

The UK Government announced today that it will implement most of the recommendations of the recent report produced by the Climate Care Alliance entitled "Only Planet Hating Bastards Drink Fizzy Pop".

The report which was compiled by the Alliance’s scientific research unit based at Trumpington Primary School was unveiled at a star studded media event on the pacific paradise of Vanuatu. Thousands of concerned and interested climate warriors risked ever rising sea levels to be flown-in specially for the report's official publication.

The report highlights the dangers to the environment of the consumption of drinks containing large amounts of CO2. The report makes stark reading for fizzy drink manufacturers. They are accused of helping big oil hoodwink the public about the amount of CO2 they produce by hiding large amounts of it in fizzy pop.

The main thrust of the report focuses on the amounts of CO2 released into the atmosphere when fizzy pop containers are opened . The Climate Care Alliance are the first team of climate researchers to focus on this previously unexplored threat to human survival.

Using the latest climate modeling software available for the Nintendo DS the Alliance has emphatically proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that opening cans and bottles of fizzy pop releases huge amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere directly causing global warming, anthropogenic climate change, drought, famine, floods, avalanches and general gloom and despondency. The report further states that there is some evidence that fizzy pop may be responsible for earthquakes. The Alliance stresses that their findings in this area were not conclusive and needed further research which would require further government funding.

Many of the reports findings are cause for serious concern to mankind.

  1. Every time a bottle of Panda pop is opened an angel dies.
  2. For every 2 litre bottle of Tango opened an acre of rainforest disappears for EVER. The Earth knows when it's been Tango'd.
  3. If everybody in China opened a fizzy pop container at the same time all the Himalayan glaciers would melt within days, and Holland would be completely inundated by the North Sea within35 minutes.
  4. The Indonesian tsunami was caused by a large group of Australians carelessly opening bottles of pop during a barbecue on Bondai Beach. The Australian government has hotly refuted this claim because, in the words of the Australian culture minister, "This pommie bastard must be a real gallah if he thinks Aussies drink fizzy pop at barbys. Haven't ya heard of Chardonnay ya pommie puff?"
Speaking at the unveiling of the report the leader of the research team Tarquin Richbastardskid said “The science on this is settled, the increase in the production and consumption of fizzy pop correlates exactly with the increase in temperatures as shown by the world renowned Hockey Stick graph. People who continue to drink fizzy pop in today’s enlightened times are the same sort of people who bombed Dresden and nuked Nagasaki and they be treated accordingly.” Pressed to justify this statement he replied “Look our research proves that anyone who does not agree with us is a Nazi. My grandfather fought the Nazi’s from the cellar under his stately home in Berkshire and I vow here and now to follow his example”

The government has been quick to act on the report by bringing forward legislation which will make the production, sale and possession of fizzy pop a criminal offense punishable by a £250,000 fine, 5 years in prison and forfeiture of all personal assets. When questioned about the severity of the punishment Hilary Benn said “The evil planet killing bastard produce, push and use these ghastly so called "soft drink products" should be treated like the nazi drug pushing pimps they are.”

MPs will be exempt from the new legislation.

Crossposted from the new and excellent Deniersaurus-Rex.

On a more serious note, and a somewhat encouraging one too, Joe Public dropped me a line to draw my attention to a submission by The Institute of Physics to the Parliamentary Science and Technology Committee.

It appears that this group of heavyweights are questioning the CRU UEA credibility:

"The Institute is concerned that, unless the disclosed (CRU) e-mails are proved to be forgeries or adaptations, worrying implications arise for the integrity of scientific research...." 

The CRU e-mails as published on the internet provide prima facie evidence of determined and co-ordinated refusals to comply with honourable scientific traditions and freedom of information law. The principle that scientists should be willing to expose their ideas and results to independent testing and replication by others, which requires the open exchange of data, procedures and materials, is vital. The lack of compliance has been confirmed by the findings of the Information Commissioner. This extends well beyond the CRU itself ...."

The full report can be found here and it makes very interesting reading. Isn't it strange that we don't seem to have heard anything about this in the MSM news recently.

Act On CO2 : It's All Just An Act.


Ampers said...

The Australian politician showed the weakness in the entire argument.


Green Guy said...

I've done my bit to limit greenhouse emitions, Grumpers, I've made a 20% reduction in my annual consumption of baked beans.

Ampers said...

Green guy, don't use my recipe then...

I heat a wok with olive oil, quite a bit. I add a chopped up hot chilli, grated garlic and ginger, heat in the wok until the ingredients permeate the oil, then I add a finely chopped onion (small) and cooked until nearly brown.

Then I add a heaped teaspoon of turmeric and mix well. Then I add a tin of baked beans (a cheap Tescos own as I don't need flavour in their tin) and heat and serve on toast.

My own recipe, and it has travelled wide around the world.


PS Honestly, I kid not - the word verification here is "stings" LOL

Dark Lochnagar said...

Yes GOT, as above. Never mind fizzy cans, what about farting, particularly those long juicy ones?

Stop Common Purpose said...

"The Earth knows when it's been Tango'd."


Anonymous said...

Well it looks like 'greenhouse gas' is sooo last year. It's now all about 'cookhouse gas'!

Paaarrrrppp ;-)

btw, nice wv Ampers but it still doesn't yesterday's ;-)

Joe Public said...

"MPs will be exempt from the new legislation."

Nothing new there then.

Anonymous said...

I see that the far left are now Pushing climate change politics as well, which in my own mind instantly shows the subject up for precisely what it is. Utter bullshit.

microdave said...

The fly in this particular ointment is where the CO2 came from in the first place - it was simply taken from the atmosphere!

And on related matters the latest scaremongering crap claims that commercial whaling causes global warming!!!

A century of whaling may have released more than 100 million tonnes - or a large forest's worth - of carbon into the atmosphere, scientists say. Whales store carbon within their huge bodies and when they are killed, much of this carbon can be released.

US scientists revealed their estimate of carbon released by whaling at a major ocean sciences meeting in the US. Dr Andrew Pershing from the University of Maine described whales as the "forests of the ocean". Dr Pershing and his colleagues from the Gulf of Maine Research Institute calculated the annual carbon-storing capacity of whales as they grew. "Whales, like any animal or plant on the planet, are made out of a lot of carbon," he said. "And when you kill and remove a whale from the ocean, that's removing carbon from this storage system and possibly sending it into the atmosphere."

He pointed out that, particularly in the early days of whaling, the animals were a source of lamp oil, which was burned, releasing the carbon directly into the air. "And this marine system is unique because when whales die [naturally], their bodies sink, so they take that carbon down to the bottom of the ocean. "If they die where it's deep enough, it will be [stored] out of the atmosphere perhaps for hundreds of years." In their initial calculations, the team worked out that 100 years of whaling had released an amount of carbon equivalent to burning 130,000 sq km of temperate forests, or to driving 128,000 Humvees continuously for 100 years."

I suppose that's one good reason for nuking that Japanese again.....

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Damn that's good G.O.T. The U.S. congress is thinking of banning the Big Mac, the Whopper, and baked beans or taxing them at twice their value in the name of humanity. Meanwhile, the citizens are demanding that Congress go to 1/2 secessions to save the world from their flatulence.

Snarky Basterd said...

Didja see this, G.O.T.?

banned said...

That Hilary Benn is such a cunt, far from penalising the possession of fizzy drinks he should be encouraging Global Warming Enthusiasts to stockpile them in CO2 Havens, digging large pits in their gardens and allotments in which to carbon-capture ever increasing stocks of fizzy pop bottles which have a half-life of just 50,000 years.
If it all gos tits up the holes will come in handy for mass graves so its really a win-win kind of thing.

Joe Public said...


The MSM awakens.......

Para 8

Hairy Arsed Bloke said...

It's close. Mayor Bloomberg wants to tax fizzy drings, but because of sugar not CO2.