Sunday, 17 May 2009

G.O.T. as an MP?

Having been tagged as a co-contributor of the ASE, with regard to the current MP meme bollocks that is doing the rounds, I have duly posted my reply there. However as that place is of non fucking sweary proportions I decide that I would post an alternative version of my answers here . . . .

1. Has there ever been an occasion when you failed to notice that you have paid your mortgage off months, possibly years in advance, and just had not realised?
Thankfully no. I am fiscally astute and therefore know exactly when my 17 buy-to-let RSfuckingB funded mortgages had been fulfilled. However my communications skills are worse than an unelected, testicle tickling, fois gras gorging, bogey bloated Prime Minister and I have no idea whether I've contacted the Fees Office to cease interest payment reimbursements but I'm sure they will inform me if I have omitted to do so.

2. Does your property contain a moat?
Happily no it doesn't otherwise my extortionately over-fucking-priced collection of persian rugs would be ruined, costing the tax paying public another 50k of their hard earned. However I do have a rather large expanse of water, that circumnavigates my humble 23 bedroom pied-a-terre shag palace in rural Norfolk, which is constantly patrolled by a Type 1 Destroyer, manned by olive skinned ladyboys, in order to repel the very same taxpayers that have been so unwittingly generous in providing for its upkeep.

3. Do you think you could in good conscience accept a salary and allowances whilst not actually attending your place of work or office?
Incredibly this situation never arises. On the rare occasions when I am unable to attend 'The House' I am usually in attendance at the house or somewhere en route between the other 6 houses that I have nominated. Although 'The House' is my main place of work I have also nominated the house as my second place of work which means, according to the rules, I am always in the house therefore completing my obligations towards adequate re-numeration.

4. If you were told that it was within the rules to go jump off a cliff, would you do it?
Everyone told me that I was fucking insane to try it but eventually I came to enjoy it. However I have now had to curb my tendencies for this rather risky activity since I lost my balance and trod on the orange that was wedged in Cliff's mouth and he had to have it surgically removed from his windpipe.

5. Are you able to tell the difference between a room in a house, and an actual house?
Very obvious to me. A house is large, tax payer funded object which you approach via a long driveway in your chauffeur driven Jagwaur whereas a room is a large expanse of luxuriously furnished living space funded by the tax payer.

6. Are you able to commute a distance under 35 miles for work purposes without the need for an additional house being provided?
It may come as a surprise to you but the matter has never arisen. This is due to the fact that my office, as luck would have it, is only 18 paces from my kitchen accessible via a short passage way leading from the utility room. I sometimes have to ask James, my long suffering 'give-us-a-quick-handjob' chauffeur to move the Jagwaur so that I can sit at the desk and watch 'Bangkok Chick Boys Do It Doggy Style' on the internet but otherwise I find the arrangement quite convenient. Cheap to run too although I'm not sure how much I get from the taxpayer towards the running costs but I dare say those tossers at The Telegraph will drop me in the shit by letting you all know shortly.

7. Do you know what an Iron is?
Now that one is easy, I have several of these contained in a large bag which is carried by George, my long suffering pink oboe playing Batman, who will then pass the appropriate one to me depending on where my balls have landed and how far away from the whole I am.

8. Is your TV or Stereo likely to need an upgrade in the next 5 years?
Good grief no. It's not really worthwhile upgrading any of my essential fetish porn watching equipment as I have found it impossible to locate a qualified technician who is capable of doing this. As a result I usually find it easier, more convient and more economically viable for me to replace my jizz splatered flat screen with the latest over priced 60inch from John Lewis and have it delivered to my home at the fucked in the arse tax payers inconvenience.

9. Do you have a warped sense of humour OR Do you have a helipad?
Can honestly say that I have both. (and you'll need to take a deep breath before reading this next sentence) Many a time I have laughed like an unelected, snot gobbling, pant pissing, fat fuck of a man munching Prime Minister, who is on speed filming a YouTube video, whilst I hop over to Jersey in my taxpayer funded Sea King to an all expenses paid non-fucking-working luncheon in my capacity as Fees Office watchdog.

10. If you did need two houses to live and work, do you think it possible to designate one as a main home, and stick by that decision for the duration of that employment?
Undeniably yes but it never quite seems to work like that in practice. The problem is that I have 6 big, fuck the fuck off sized houses to maintain which can become a 'flipping' nuisance at times.

11. If you work in a different place to where you live – do you find yourself, or could you envision, eating twice as much food as you would if you lived more locally to work?
Now, unfortunately I have a rare disease which only seems to affect the thieving cunts who are entrusted with the running the Country into the fucking ground. Its called DietrumFatCunticusEatMostest. This basically manifests itself by causing an uncontrollable urge to diet whilst in the work place and then conversely creating the need to stuff my over gorged, bloated physique with fois gras and truffles whilst relaxing in the stress free environment of my 23 bedroom tax payer funded pied-a-terre.

12. Do you know what a pergola is?
Tricky question this one? As Minister for Sport I don't often take much notice of the other overpaid twats that play  football so I'm not too sure if he ponces for Chelsea or Arsenal but I'll ring my Russian 'cash for questions' friend on his big fuck off yacht. He'll know.

Incidentally, if I were considering replying to this MP meme bollocks in a Liberal Democratic Party kind of way, the answers to all 12 questions would be exactly the same . . . 
"Err yes, err no, err not sure but I'll sit on the fence for now until I decide which way the fucking wind is blowing."


Cate Munro said...

Fucking hilarious - thought the 1st one was funny - but this is awesome ;-)

All Seeing Eye said...

Stunning GOT. Just like Tory Poppins I loved your version on my non-sweary blog but this is great...and is also a fine example of why its good to keep our two blogs with different tones.

Daniel1979 said...

Brilliant answers!

Anonymous said...

Looks like I could lose my deposit then, if I stand, so I'll have to sit in the Speaker's chair and do it there.

May return soon..fuckety fuck. said...

fucking top notch stuff, GOT! love it!.you have a fine grasp of the green book! you would make a weapons grade Nulabore MP!

The End (Bye Bye!) said...

A great big LOL!