Friday 12 November 2010

Thank Fuck It's Friday - Grumpy Old Bastard Edition

Thank fuck it's that time of the week again ... and hasn't it been a busy one, eh. So much fuckwittery from so many fuckwits! So, I reckon it may be a good idea to lighten up a bit with a few grumpy old git/bastard/fucker/twat jokes which should help to lower the BP a bit (and the tone) ... along with a bottle or two of vin rouge, of course ;-)


On hearing that her elderly grandad had died, Katie rushed to her 98 year old grandmother's house. She asked how he had died, gran replied, "He had a heart attack during sunday morning sex." Katie was aghast at her 2 grandparents risking their lives making love. Her grandmother continued, "We did it to the church bells. Nice and slow. 'In' on the ding and 'out' on the dong", she paused for a moment to to wipe away a tear, "He'd still be alive today if that fucking ice cream van hadn't come along!"

• As a family I'm trying my best to keep up with all the latest technology ... so I bought my son an iPod, my daughter an iPhone and treated myself to one of those iPad thigies. Then I felt sorry for Pigsy,  so I bought her a top of the range, no expenses spared iRon ...  and that's when it all fuckin kicked off. What an ungrateful bitch!

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I preferred legs or breasts. I replied, "Well, what I really like is a shaved snatch" .... I'm no longer welcome in my local branch of KFC, apparently.


A Gotty Grin to Caratacus, Joe Public and Steady Eddie for their contributions ;-)

 Oh, and I almost forgot, for those of you who would rather keep your piss boiling at an even temperature, an official police document has surfaced on how they should [differently] handle the arrests of muslims and non-muslims. It beggars fucking belief! Barking Spider has the details.
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55 comments:

Captain Haddock said...

Good ones Gotty .. still chuckling ...

Dunno about Laxatives in the photo .. it reminds me of one of the lads, having just completed the "Endurance Course" .. or a "Mud-Run" in the Exe ... ;) >:o

NFN said...

*Forsees G.O.T spending a relaxing weekend in Nick for telling supposedly Ageist,Sexist and Homophobic jokes!* (Why 'homophobic' I hear you ask? Well the whole 'i' thing...you have to be gay to use a Mac).

BTW The IBS'ers Anti Discrimination League also want to press charges. Diarrhoea is no laughing matter.

AnthonyS said...

Indeed, GOT, another week gone... and more fuck-tards I'd wish gone. Life's a bitch, so don't marry one.

This cheered me up though:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jROOV1YFU6o

GrumpyOldTwat said...

You're probably not far wrong there although the way some of those fucking nutters drive, it could be a mixture of both ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Frigtheningly heterosexual me .. and I have iMacs, so where does that leave me? In fucking denial, if you listen to the heterophobic Stonewall shitstabbers ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"Boats made of shit" - classic Max Bygraves and funny as fuck. Thanks ;)

NFN said...

Stonewall...so not my favourite people...they always remind me of those Blacks back in the 80's who used to go on about being 'oppressed by Babylon'. But I'm probably, according to them, so far in the closet that I'm in fucking Narnia.

Caratacus said...

Fantastic!

My Mum loves Maxy Bygraves - I'm going to record this for her. Who do I send the royalty cheque to btw?

:-D

Gildas said...

Bottle No 2 of Bulgarian Merlot open. Half a pint of 3 Star Metaxa to follow. 20 Marlboro Lights and a Kebab.
Aaaah....!       :-[

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Err ... to me. I'll make sure he *cough* gets it ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Go for it Brother, I'm with you all the way! I'm on a rather aptly named merlot myself .... 'Le Beast'. No kebabs but chicken chilli garlic has been mentioned. Good times ;)

Gildas said...

OK lt's detox. No Kebab. Just half a roast chicken with paprika garlic!  My fuckwit beardy sweater wearing folk song singing GP can fuck off!    ;)

AnthonyS said...

Russel Sprout and 'Downcount'. Holy crap. ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ScfwKsZztM

Barking Spider said...

Who needs laxitives when you've had that lot? :-D

microdave said...

One for BOTR:

At an Infants school the children come in from playing. The teacher says "What have you been doing Becky ?" "I have been playing in the sand pit miss". "Come out to the front Becky, if you can spell sand, you can have a sweet." Becky goes out to the front "S-A-N-D".  "Well done Becky, here is a sweet."

"What have you been doing Paul ?" "Playing with Becky in the sand pit miss." "Come out to the front. If you can spell pit you can have a sweet. "P-I-T"  "Well done Paul, here is a sweet."

"Hello Mohammed, what have you been doing, have you been playing in the sand pit with Becky and Paul?"   "No miss, every time I go near them they make me remove my top and check for explosives."   "Oh dear, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell blatant racial discrimination, you can have a sweet".

Barking Spider said...

Funny as fuck, Gotty, and the laxative pic had me in stitches. :-D  

Thanks for the link, mate. ;)

AnthonyS said...

"We'll shit in your face, there's no finer place"

I believe some people actually pay for that 'service'.

Caratacus said...

Apparently so. Ask Mrs Oaten's little boy... (thinks: did he claim for that on his exes? And if he did how did he describe it...?)

Caratacus said...

Apparently, two muzzies were walking past Romford Market earlier today when one glanced at the left wrist of the other and noticed a neat "bracelet" of stitches which went all the way round, as it were, "I see you won your appeal" he said.....

I know, I know - get me coat. Where's me hat. I definitely had a hat...........

GrumpyOldTwat said...

It's an excellent post [of yours] although I have to say my piss almost boiled dry when I read it. Probably no surprise to most of us but when you see real proof like that ... well, we really are all fucked. Aren't we.

microdave said...

Not half as fucked as Santa will be this year, if he doesn't behave himself:

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant! Intrigued to know how you managed to get hold of one of my old Santa letters though ;)

Captain Haddock said...

Don't think any MTO I ever met would tolerate a Land Rover left in that condition for very long ... ;) :-D :-D

Captain Haddock said...

I think I read somewhere that Oaten had described the experience as being .. "Fuckin' excrement" ... >:o :-D

Captain Haddock said...

Am I glad I won't have to follow you into "Trap 1" in the morning "C" ... =-O >:o :-D

microdave said...

And I want to know what you were doing listening to Kevin Bloody Wilson at such a young age....

microdave said...

And I want to know what you were doing listening to Kevin Bloody Wilson at such a young age....

microdave said...

And I want to know what you were doing listening to Kevin Bloody Wilson at such a young age....

Caratacus said...

Kevin Bloody Wilson was listening to Gotty. Where do you think he got all his best ideas from?? :-D
http://www.youtube.com/v/zaUfBSFq45M&feature" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="170" height="140

Caratacus said...

Kevin Bloody Wilson was listening to Gotty. Where do you think he got all his best ideas from?? :-D
http://www.youtube.com/v/zaUfBSFq45M&feature" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="170" height="140

microdave said...

I was thinking of this one:
http://www.youtube.com/v/tEe55NxFSSU" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="170" height="140

Banned? said...

You former RM Captain?

stopcp said...

Piss boiler and a half:

"The Scottish Prison Service is ordering hundreds of flat-screen televisions for inmates in order to meet energy efficiency targets, it has emerged."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11747509

NFN said...

Doesn't get my piss upto even room temp (can't afford to heat this place anyway, thanks British Gas). Prisoners have got to watch TV so they know who'll they'll be voting for! [/sarcasm]

Captain Haddock said...

Certainly am "Banned" ... 41 & 45 Commandos & HM Ships Bulwark & Intrepid ...

banned said...

;)

NFN said...

Exe?MTO? RM?... WTF, Some kind of wannabe-soldiers polari? I'm guessing that 'mud run' is a 'mucker' term for anal sex? Like that americanism 'hershey highway'?

NFN said...

<span>Exe?MTO? RM?... WTF, Some kind of wannabe-soldiers polari? I'm guessing that 'mud run' is a 'mucker' term for anal sex? Like that americanism 'hershey highway'?</span>

And as for following anyone into the 'trap 1'....I dread to think.

Barking Spider said...

Right up the jacksy, mate!

Bunni said...

Those were hilarious jokes, Gotty, Now I have to watch all the video's!
Here's some for you:
<span><span><span>Q. Why does Obama wear a turban?</span></span><span><span>A. So he knows which end to wipe!</span></span> :-P <span>
<p>Gordon Brown is out jogging, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over, 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'
</p><p>Gordon laughs says, 'What kind of kittens are they?  'Socialists', the child says.
</p><p>'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.
</p><p>A couple of days later Gordon is running with Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'
</p><p>The boy replies, 'They're Tories.'
</p><p>'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed? 'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.' 
</p></span></span>

Captain Haddock said...

That's twice you've made unfounded sexual allegations regarding former members of HM Forces ..

Twice you've made reference to anal sex ..

Do I detect a subliminal admission of your own sexual proclivities & shortcomings ? (no pun intended)

There are a number of us here who proudly served in the Armed forces of the Crown .. If you can't accept that, grow up and move on .. then I suggest you stop visiting the blog ..

Because, quite frankly ... You're making a complete Twat of yourself ...

Caratacus said...

'Exe' as in River Exe in Devon. Particularly that bit that runs past CTC (Commando Training Centre before you start) Lympstone. Young men train there and emerge better men for it.

I wouldn't normally bother but Royal Marines are a special bunch as far as I'm concerned and I won't have their fine name traduced.

Caratacus said...

Heads. That any better?

Captain Haddock said...

Thanks "C" .. but in this case, you're preaching to someone who lacks the mental capacity to comprehend that were it not for Servicemen & women .. in particular, those who didn't "come back" .. he wouldn't be in a position to enjoy the freedom of spouting his bile on a public blog like this ..

There are none so blind, as those who refuse to see that such freedom cost someone else their life ..