Tuesday, 31 August 2010

That Kevin Pietersen Tweet

In case you missed it, here is a copy of the Kevin Pietersen tweet that he wacked up on twitter earlier today. It has since been hastily removed due to the expletive he used when announcing he'd been excluded from the England cricket Team T20 and 50 over One day squads, to play against the match fixing Pakistan team.

Get over it Kevin, you big girls blouse, your current form is a bag of fucking shite. So fuck the fuck off and don't come back until you've earned the right to play for England again, just like every other fucker has to.

That is all.

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Balls The Builder

Still denying that debt then, I see.

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Monday, 30 August 2010

The Consequences Of Living In The Westminster Village Bubble

What's been happening in the 'real' world totally eludes them, especially the effect on the lives of 'real' people who have unwittingly become entangled in the consequences of the UK's continuing membership of the EU.

Real bloggers have been aware of it for years so I particularly enjoyed the following three comments, which ably point out that fact, in the recent post of a Village Bubbletarian, HERE:

"Bet she [Theresa May] doesn't do a damn thing. Who in their right mind would agree to sign up to extend the "no evidence required" arrest warrant in the first place? I thought they said they would be repatriating laws, instead they have already signed away more of our rights. Don't worry though, fatboy Pickles is tackling the nuisance of too many road signs so the coalition is working and all is well."

"Sorry, Iain, but many of us bloggers saw this coming ages ago. The EU is nothing but a big-state, jobs-for-the-boys,(and girls), control-freak, neo-communist dictatorship for brainless, gravy-train politicians with a lust for power! When are the MSM going to start investigating our troughing politicians properly instead of faithfully parroting what they are told by those very same powers that be?"

"What comes to mind is stable doors and horses. Because Dave has reneged on the Lisbon Treaty referendum when the country would have rejected Europe and all it's arrest warrants you are now regretting it's implications. Get real. Our politicians have betrayed this country and sold out on over a thousand years of history. This is the end of our independence, law making, traditions and the British way of life. Lisbon is the final act in the superstate jigsaw. It's self amending legislation from here on. If you don't know this already you are an idiot. What are you complaining about? When you supported Dave, you supported these warrants and much else besides."

Or perhaps I'm just being my normal Grumpy Old Twattish self.
Maybe I'm just being a little harsh?

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Sunday, 29 August 2010

Pakistan Cricketer Named In Bribe Shock

The world of cricket has been shocked by the revelations that one of the Pakistan Test Team is not bent as a 9 rupee note. Opening fast bowler Abu Googlie was reported not to have taken a bribe of £20,000 to bowl no balls in the final test match at Lords. Googlie (30) was offered the bribe by an undercover newspaper reporter who was posing as a Police Community Support Officer, as part of a “sting” at the team’s hotel. Unknown to Googlie, however, the conversation was being recorded. Googlie can be distinctly heard telling the PCSO to “fuck right off”.

Spokesman for the Pakistani Cricket Board, Osama Bin Laden, said that he was “shocked and appalled” by the allegations, which flew completely in the face of Pakistan’s long and honourable tradition of playing test cricket. Speaking from his cave, near Kandahar, Bin Laden (52) said “If this is true it’s appalling. How the hell is anyone going to be able to place a spread bet and make a few dishonest rupees if one of our players is found to be as honest as the day is long! This throws the whole reputation of Pakistani cricket into question.”

Meanwhile, following a long lunch of tofu, organic parsley, quails eggs and polenta, Labour Leadership candidate David Millipede (13 and three quarters) added his own comments. “It’s very sad but it’s a slow news day and I’ll jump on any bandwagon I can because I hate my fucking brother so much. He is a complete cunt, by the way.”

Those still wishing to collect donations for the Pakistan Flood Appeal should direct their inquiries to the rest of the Pakistani Cricket Team. They've got shit loads of cash to spare.

via our International Sports and Cricket Correspondent, Randy Hack

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Friday, 27 August 2010

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 9]

Well, not only is it the weekend but it's also the last Bank Holiday before Christmas (or is that Winter Festival theses days?). A word of caution though if, like me, you're rather partial to industrial quantities of relaxation water .... you might like to take heed from the following video, which involves one of our readers (I shit you not). I'm not going to name him myself on the basis that I certainly don't won't to get on the wrong side of his 'other half'.  Picture quality is crap but the words come through loud and fucking clear. Enjoy .....

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Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 8]

Have you noticed all that 'elf 'n' safety' bollocks that's on the back of a Marks & Spencer sandwich packet these days? By the time you've digested that fucking load of shite the 'Best Before' date will have expired. Then you'd have to throw the fucking sandwich away!

It's the rules .... it's 'elf 'n' safety', innit.


Well at least we know what Ampers' taste in sandwiches is now ;-)

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Thursday, 26 August 2010

Islam : The Religion Of Peace?

I think not.

Apologies for the video quality but I'm sure you'll get the general picture ......

The back story is HERE.

Is there anyone else out there who still wants to give money to the
Pakistan Flood Appeal?

Have a nice day.

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Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Choosing A WiFi Network Name

Always a difficult one this. What name to give your WiFi Network without being totally boring and predictable. Things like 'Home 001' or 'John Smith' or 'Chez Nous' all lack inspiration and show no thought at all to the fact that all your neighbours (and all those free loading WiFi hunters with mobile scanners) will be able to see and read it too.

Fear not! The Grumpy Old Twat has a few suggestions for you, which should liven things up a tad in your neighbourhood. Why not use the opportunity to send a message out to those fuckwits across the road or just let everybody know what the fuck you get up to behind closed doors. Anyway here's a few of my favourites and they're all genuine. Click any image to enlarge ... if you dare:

From a selection supplied by our Internet and Computer Technology Correspondent, Micodave.

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No, No, No, No and Again No

Neighbourhood Watch stickers are a health and safety hazard.
So Thurrock Council will rip the fuckers off your door for you.

Romanian puts concrete blocks on railway line, we pay for translator.
Surely he understands "fuck off back to Romania".

Puppy bakes to death in a car.
Owners say they loved that dog like a child.

Bank worker dumps kitten in a wheelie bin.
"I thought it would be funny and it would wriggle free".

90 year old too frail to live alone but still faces eviction from care home.
Judge and jury council stop paying bills because they say she is too healthy.

* I'm going to scream until my lungs hurt then bang my fucking head up the wall and then go and sit in the corner of a dark room to suck my thumb and cuddle my teddy bear*

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Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Sam Cam Baby +++ Photo Exclusive +++

Congratulations! Samantha Cameron has given birth to a beautiful ickle baby girl. Mother and baby are doing fine and a name has already been chosen .... apparently it's going to be called Nicola. On closer inspection of this exclusive photograph, obtained only hours after the birth, you can maybe see why.

Looks kinda familiar dontcha think .....

+++ UPDATE +++
The latest news from Truro Hospital is that 6lb 1oz baby Nicola was delivered by Cleggarian Section and Samantha has definitely decided against breast feeding. However, David has already agreed to spoon feed it and then wipe it's arse every five minutes.

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How To Deal With Sales Calls

A BT rep makes an unsolicited sales call to a Grumpy Old Twat.

Oh dear ......

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Monday, 23 August 2010

William Hague Takes On Yet Another (ahem) 'Special' Advisor

Ain't love* grand, eh.

Except that it's costing us another 30 fucking grand ... plus exes.

That reminds me ....
haven't heard much about David Laws recently.

Just saying.

*I wonder what Billy Boy's ramadan chums will make of it all.

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Sunday, 22 August 2010

Sandwell Council In Stasi Shock

If you thought that the Nazi’s had been defeated, the Gestapo consigned to history and their bastard love children the Stasi had been disbanded, then fucking well think again. Like oxygen choking weeds, the spores of these poisonous arsewipes have drifted on the wind and done what Adolf Hitler couldn’t do. They've crossed the channel and settled amongst us.

In Sandwell, West Midlands.

The spectacularly incompetent Sandwell Metropolitan Stasi Council has decided that in view of the fact that it was rated by DEFRA as one of the three “poor” councils for keeping its streets clean in 2008, it will terrorise its citizens with the use of BrownShirt style “Enforcement Officers” who are hell bent on issuing fines for petty littering “offences” ..... such as the case of the woman and child feeding the ducks in the wrong part of the park, or the woman whose tissue was blown away in the wind. (I shit you not)

The latest fucking outrage wheeze from these cut price BrownShirt shit stains, has been to issue a fixed penalty notice to pensioner Sheila Martin. Her “crime” was to drop fag ash at a bus stop (what the fuck); a bus was on the way, and the retired 70 year old widow wanted to save the rest of her ciggie. She can’t afford to buy them very often on her pension (are you listening, Tony Blair, you greedy, pensioned up to the fucking false smile, two faced bastard?) so she “nibbed off” the fag ash at the end, and popped the ciggie in her bag.

Quick as a flash she was zapped by the vigilant Gauleiter and presented with paperwork for a £75 fine for littering which, of course, she can ill afford. Now she faces a £2,500 fine for refusing to pay.

Fucking nit picking Stasi bastards!

Fortunately, a campaign is up and running to fight the prosecution, with some legal support pledged already. In the meantime, may I suggest that since the incompetent fuckwit of a Stasi Cuntcil Leader, is intent on turning this part of England into a concentration camp, he make a fucking start in sorting out their £16 million deficit by sacking the petty minded little shit who issued the fucking fine and then fuck the fucking fuck off to North Korea ...... to play Frisbee with some dirty great fuck off land mines?

Just a thought.

Incidentally, why do you think that the same Stasi Street Wardens turned a blind eye to people parking on the pavement, forcing pedestrians to walk in the road, whilst employees of a business smoked cannabis (probably dropping ash on to the pavement at the same time) and also supplying cannabis to youngsters who visited the same premises?

Well, it's fucking obvious isn't it.
They got free chips from the owner, Mohammed Mahmood.

Hypocritical Stasi cunts.

Additional material supplied by our Highways and Byeways Correspondent, Randy Hack.

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Saturday, 21 August 2010

Keep Fit Video of the Week

Yeah baby, shake it, shake it!  Just lovin' that action .....

Phew .... I don't know about you lot .....
but I'm absolutely knackered after watching that a couple of dozen times ;-)

Keep fit videos .... dontcha just love 'em!

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No More YouTube Censorship

Following my latest run-in with the freedom of speech fucking fucktards at YouTube, ASE did an excellent post outlining just the kind of thing that (ahem) seemingly outspoken people like me are up against. Here's a quote from one of the sites that scour YouTube looking for anything remotely anti Islam:

"Peace be upon you. Our goal is to remove all videos that spread lies about Islam and makes fun of our belief..... flag them everyday until all videos are removed"

That was from a site called Flag4Islam.
ASE has the details of this, and others, here.

Then of course we have the likes of Andrew Gatward, a government funded UAF troll, who spends hours lurking around YouTube using his dozen or so false identities to deliberately flag up anything that he personally takes offence to. So, just to balance things up a bit, here's a video of him on YouTube where we can see his performance as a steroid abusing wrestler prior to becoming a bitter and twisted commie cripple due to constant drug abuse .......

BUT we have decided to do something constructive about all these freedom fucking video deletion antics ...... the solution is our very own, totally independent, video upload and broadcast website. Yes that's right! ASE has been busy beavering away with bits of code, and other techy things that I haven't got a fucking clue about, and has put together an excellent, purpose made video site where you can open an account and post without fear of censorship or deletion. That's because we are in charge ... and no-one else.

This exciting new site, although now fully functional, still needs a little fettling before it's unleashed onto the blogosphere in general ... so we'd like to do a little more testing. Therefore, we'd like to invite 4 or 5 regular readers (preferably people who are likely to make use of the new upload facility) to have a sneak preview, give it a thorough work out, see if there are any problems  and, hopefully, provide us with some constructive feedback.

If you are interested in taking part in the trial, please let me know as soon as possible in the comments or via my usual email address.  I will then get in contact and give you all the details that you need to get testing.

No more fear of video deletion, moderation or censorship ....
how fucking exciting is that then!

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Friday, 20 August 2010

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 7]

Fucking good job it is Friday and not earlier in the week otherwise I'd have to take the rest of the twatting week off on the bastard sick ... due to serious head banging up the fucking wall injuries. All because of this webshite:

What the fucking fucketty fuck is going the fuck on there.
Talking Muslim Dolls ... that's fucking what. Toys being deliberately marketed at the under five's, brainwashing the poor little fuckers into learning how to bastard well speak mother fucking Islam bollocks! What the hell for!
* bang, bang, bang, bang *

Girl dolls, boy dolls and even jig-twatting-saw-arseing-puzzles all trying to make our kids speak fluent fucking islamic-fucking-ese.
* bang, bang, bang, bang *

Fuck me, they might as well cut the fucking crap, get straight to the point and start marketing the mini muzzie mind altering dolls like this .....

Oh, and while we're at it, don't think there isn't anything on the toy front for those pork free conscious, prick wielding, 9 year old girl shagging, mangey, mohammed minge mongers, ...... who are looking for love.

How about this handy webshite for all your kinky halal humping requirements?
* bang, bang, bang, bang *

Tip of the furry handcuffs to Colin, our Diversity in Education Correspondent, for spotting the muslim talking doll webshite ;-)

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Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 6]

After the fucking shit bag of a week I've had, never has that saying been more welcome than today. Nothing major, I'm still breathing, but it's just been one little piece of shit after another which eventually covered me in a shower of stinking shit .... if you know what I mean.

Anyway, fuck all that, it's Friday and the weekend starts here and I've twat loads of posts that are waiting to be finished and posted. In the meantime, first up for tonight, I have managed to obtain an exclusive picture of the Fat Poof's new personal assistant, hurriedly making his way to FPHQ....

Tip of the saddle to our resident paparazzi, MicroDave, for managing to capture it ;-)

After I've taken a quick visit to my new favorite supplier of Mind Bleach, I'll be catching up with your emails and your comments from my last few posts ..... then I'll be putting the finishing touches to another #TFIF post. I warn you ... it's a piss boiler and a fucking half so you'd better start knocking back a few stiff ones now (so to speak) ;-)

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Thursday, 19 August 2010

Back Soon

Apologies for the lack of blogging activity recently but I've had other more pressing issues that seem to have stolen my time of late. Abnormal service fuckwittery will soon be resumed but in the meantime here is a 'shopped picture of Tony Bliar and Jonah Brown that I did a while back and never got around to actually using.

Perhaps you could come up with a caption or two or just take this opportunity to rip this pair of UK fucking, duplicitous, book writing, New Labour dickwipes a new arsehole or two ;-)

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Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Blog Twats Poll Results 2010 [Part 2]

Many thanks to the dozens of blogs who promoted it and the hundreds of voters who took part in the Blog Twats Poll 2010. I was genuinely surprised by how much interest it generated with over 80 different blog and twitter twats being nominated and an excellent cross section of the political spectrum being proposed as blogosphere twats.

The votes are all in and they have been counted, checked, verified and tampered with* which means I now have a definitive list of the Top 20 Blog Twats in the political blogosphere, as voted for by you.  I scored each list of votes by giving 10 points to the top one, down to 1 point for the maximum of ten allowed. So ..... here are your most twattish blogging and micro blogging twats from position 10 right up to the all important Number 1 Blog Twat :

10  Alastair Campbell (Twat soup)

  9  Obnoxio (Not so scary now)
  8  Boatang & Demetriou (Pair of twats)
  7  Tax Research UK (Richard Murphy twat deductible)
  6  Guido Fawkes (Lost the plot)

  5  Bloggerheads (TwaTim Ireland)
  4  Terry Kelly (The twat cuntroller)

  3  Liberal Conspiracy (Not so sunny Hundal)
  2  Kerry McCarthy (Ex Twitter twatter tsar twat)
  1  Iain Dale (Hissy fitting twat)

Positions 11 through to 20 can be found in the previous results post HERE.

What do you think of the results then?
Personally I thought that there were one or two surprises, in amongst the more predictable of the blogging twats.

As for the Number One spot?
Hmmmm, I couldn't possibly comment ;-)

*for any twatmongs that would possibly think otherwise, obviously that's a fucking joke!

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Monday, 16 August 2010

New Radio Required

I was listening to the radio today, while I was working, and I heard something that I hadn't realised before ..... regarding the Pope's forthcoming visit to the UK. Taxpayers are going to foot the majority of the expected £15 million bill ..... to the tune of £12 million!!

What. The. Fucking. Fucketty. Fuck. Fuck.

* gone for a lie down *

Meanwhile, Dioclese has an excellent post on the paedophillia supporting twat HERE

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