Bizarre Police Report Of The Week

Melissa Lee Williams has uttered a line never previously recorded in a police report before. Well, not one that the Grumpy Old Twat has come across before anyway. The West Virginia woman faced assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct.

"Eat my pussy", she demanded of the two men before she "commenced to undress herself". One man "declined said invitation" but the other man told cops that he "agreed to perform at her request." However "he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odour emitting from Melissa Williams" and, understandably, "declined to proceed any further."

Fair enough.

It was as this point that Williams allegedly "produced a lock-back folding knife," opened it, and then uttered the line never previously recorded in a police report before:
"Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat."

I take it that she was pretty well gagging for it then but unfortunately for her though, by all accounts, the poor chap involved was gagging at it rather than for it.

Further details of the incident, if you're feeling brave, and that all important photograph of the sleazy seductress are available here.

Enjoy!

Free pack of *ahem* odour eaters goes to Joe Public for the tip off, just in case Williams should ever corner him in a Hotel somewhere ;-)

Twattery

I can't even be fucked to say thank fuck it's friday, this week, but I do have a mish mash of twattery that I'd like to share. Most of it has boiled my piss, no fucking change there then, but I'll start with something which should be far more entertaining:

• It's that time of year again where we can all get our votes in for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award ... fuck that! It'll be much more fun getting your votes in for the Cunt of the Year Awards 2010 instead. There's even five different categories to have a go at ... so, if you fancy a bit of cuntishness, you can vote for your 2010 cunts HERE.

• I hesitated before posting on this because the cunt really doesn't deserve the oxygen of publicity but he's really making my piss boil this time. Flaunting everything that he's been buying with the benefit money that we've all earnt for him. The axe murderer has been filming himself for YouTube again.

• The islamic arsewipes that are building a mosque, only two blocks away from the Ground Zero site, have applied to the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation to secure federal funds set aside for post 9/11 rebuilding projects.

• An elderly lady lies on the tarmac twitching and moaning slightly. So, when asked for assistance, Tesco do everything they can to help the poor woman in distress ... right. Nope. What a wretched country we have become.

• I thought Cameron said that we all had to pull together to reduce the enormous budget deficit that's going to burden the UK for generations to come. Presumably when the spineless, chinless, gutless, duplicitous dickwipe says 'we' he actually only means us. Why else would this sort of thing still be going on then!

Fuck it! Fuck the the fuckers who are intent on fucking us all 'til we're fucked. I'm off to tackle industrial quantities of red wine with an occasional interlude to bang my head up the fucking wall and clamp a bag of frozen peas to my bladder region.

Meanwhile ... I'll finally leave you with this ...

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Student Protests : You Won't See This Version In The MSM

Police kicking out at what appear to be peaceful protesters and then deliberately forcing them back towards the trouble ? What the fuck is that all about then? Anyone would think that they were under strict instructions to incite a riot ... rather than try their best to prevent one.

What say you?

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The Must Have Christmas Toy For KIds This Year

Well, when I say 'must have', I mean that your kids 'must have' a penchant for a board game that includes a plastic dachshund which produces fluorescent yellow shit, every time they squeeze the pump action handle. What the fuck! And who says that Germans don't have a sense of humour.

And the name of this game?

Kackel Dackel. I shit you not.

Goliath Games have got previous when it comes to producing kids' games that include an unsavoury discharge .... this is one of theirs too!

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The World's Most Powerful Breasts

Thank fuck it's Friday again!

Apart from the fact that the UK seems to be even more fucked than it was this time last week, I've had another one of those weeks I'd rather forget. I won't bore the arse off you with the details but suffice to say that I do actually have a broadband connection today. Fucking hurrah!

So, let's kick the weekend off with Busty Heart, possessor of the world's most powerful breasts apparently. Judge for yourselves but it's definitely a 'what the fuck' moment, if ever I saw one. Not for the faint hearted and the looks on those judges faces are just fucking priceless!

All the squashed beer cans he can drink go to Joe Public for the titillation ;-)

Vince Cable Dictates Leader Of Libertarian Party UK

Well, maybe that title is a tad unfair ... but what Vince Cable, predictor of 23 of the last 11 economic recessions, does appear to be doing is dictating who CAN'T be the next leader of the Libertarian Party (LPUK). Namely .... Andrew P. Withers.

Now, before I go any further, and just in case you are new here, I'll repeat the fact that I have never had any affiliations to any political party. Ever. I am my own man. Therefore, I don't really give a flying fuck who is going to be the next leader of LPUK. It's no skin off my nose and it's none of my damn business either to be honest.

However, what I do give a flying fuck about is the basic principle that's involved here. The fact that some jumped up Limp Dumb Coagulant of a fascist fuckwit, namely St Vince of the Cable sweater, is dictating to ANY British political party, whether a minority one or not, who they can or can't have as their chosen party leader.

Here's a quote from an emailed letter received from Vince Cable’s Solicitors, Osborne Clarke, dated 12th November 2010 to the Bristol District Registry:

‘Our Client does not consider that Mr Withers has currently demonstrated sufficient need for leave in respect of the (Libertarian Party)’

What the fucking fuck is that all about. Who the fuck does Vince Cable think he is? I was under the impression that we still live in a democracy here, despite the apparent efforts of our government and the EU to ultimately deny us all of of this.

I dunno ... maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here but IPJ has all the latest developments over at his place .... see what you think. Meanwhile, I remain totally fucking stunned by the long term ramifications, of this kind of fascist intervention, into the democratic election of any leader of a British political party.

Fuck me!
I thought New Labour lost the last general election.

They did .... didn't they?

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Piss Boilers! Is There An App For That?

Each human produces 2 tonnes of CO2 annually just by eating and defecating, Spanish scientists determine. Fear not though ... an eco fucknut has the answer.

Just stop eating and all our problems are solved.

Army cadets have been left ‘bitterly disappointed’ after being banned from carrying rifles on a Remembrance Day parade, following complaints from 'the public'.

It glamorises weapons and might upset onlookers.

Children who haven't had the MMR jab should be banned from schools, according to Dr Sohail Bhatti, a director of one of the largest health trusts in Britain.

It's the only way to ensure a higher uptake of the vaccine.

OFSTED praises Muslim schools for their contribution to 'community cohesion', even in the case of a school which openly states that Muslims “oppose the lifestyle of the West”. Akram Khan-Cheema, an OFSTED inspector, is also chief executive of a radical Muslim educational foundation, the IBERR.

Perhaps that's just a coinincidence?

Do you post stuff on your blog or Facebook or Twitter late at night, when you're absolutely pissed and then regret it the next day? (Gotty: "Nope! Never regret it.")
Well ... there's a fucking app for that!
Oh, for fuck's sake, it could only happen in America ....

Social Media Sobriety Test from TDA_Boulder on Vimeo.

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Sergeant Mark Andrews Gets A Retrial

You remember Sergeant Mark Andrews ... he's the vile copper that carried out a brutal attack on petite Pamela Somerville, the horrific incident was captured on CCTV and, quite rightly, it caused outrage amongst us all at the time.

Following the 'free facelift and body tuck', in a Wiltshire police farce custody suite, Sgt Shitwipe was given a pathetically inadequate 6 months jail sentence which he immediately appealed against. So, after only 6 days in jail, he was allowed to go free, on bail, and on full pay pending the result.

However, I have just discovered that is all total bollocks! Sgt Andrews is not out on bail awaiting the outcome of an appeal against his sentence.... the totally insane, vile, brutal and cowardly thug is out on bail because he has now been granted a re-trial against his conviction!

What the fucking, fucketty fuck fuck is that all about?

That now means that poor Pamela Somerville, who had her face re-arranged by that bastard, will have to face him again in court and re-live the whole fucking nightmare to give her evidence for a second time. Fucking hells bells! What the fuck is there to tell. All everyone needs to know is quite clearly visible on the fucking CCTV footage, for fuck's sake.

Or ... is this yet another case of the Superintendent Mike Shaw ethic :
"CCTV images can never show the whole story"

Absolutely un-fucking-believable!

The re-trial is scheduled for 15th November at the same Oxford Magistrates Court as the original trial. Meanwhile, a Wiltshire police farce spokesman says "He is no longer in prison and so remains on full pay in accordance with national regulations."

Fuck the regulations! Fuck the legal system!

Andrews has been totally caught in the act. If that cowardly cunt had any ounce of fucking decency in his vile body, he would hold his hands up and take his punishment like a man. Not only is he cowardly in carrying out such a brutal attack on a defenceless woman, he continues to enhance his cowardly prowess by trying to wriggle the fuck out of something which he has no fucking moral right to do so.

I thought that the police were supposed to set a fucking example!

His mental torture of Pamela Somerville continues .....

Previous posts on Sergeant Mark Andrews, and the CCTV video, can be found here and here.
Thanks to 'Fascist Hippy' for the heads up on the re-trial.
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The Fuckwittery Continues

Here are five more pieces of fuckwittery that'll be almost guaranteed to wipe the that smile off your face and quickly raise the temperature of your piss to boiling point. All five of the fuckwittering fuckers had me screaming 'fuck off' at my, now spittle splattered, widescreen monitor .... then rushing off to pressure wash and steam clean the garden path.

A-fucking-gain!

Government plans to sell off nearly one million acres of Britain's forests

Legislation protecting Forest of Dean, Sherwood Forest and other ancient woodlands, some included in the 1215 Magna Carta, are likely to be changed to give private firms the right to cut down trees.

Top tips to help you Green your Halloween
Halloween creates a lot of waste, dropped sweet wrappers, discarded plastic masks, and unwanted pumpkins. Fear not! Ecologically minded websites are giving us all tips on how to protect the environment, this Halloween.

Slot Gob's sister converts to Islam after a holy experience

"It was a Tuesday evening and I sat down and felt this shot of spiritual morphine, just absolute bliss and joy. Now I don’t eat pork and I read the Koran every day. I’m on page 60."

No more beef, cheese, tea and coffee it'll help combat climate change

We must eat more vegetables and pulses to reduce food transportation and start using microwave ovens and pressure cookers to reduce energy consumption, say the Government food police.

Plainclothed traffic wardens in unmarked cars issuing parking fines
London council continues using covert tactics despite the Parking and Traffic Appeals service overturning the fines issued by non-uniformed officers.

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La Voiture Burqa

Spotted on the streets of Paris and no doubt on its way to the UK any time soon ....

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This Is A Joke Right?

Surely this bloke Mitch Benn has got to be shitting me. Hasn't he?

"I'm happy to announce I'm proud of the BBC", he says.

He's even made a video about it and you can download the single on iTunes and everything .... he says.

What the fuck!  Nah .... this is a wind-up, surely ....

Yeah ... he's just taking the piss. He must be. I mean, who in their right mind would also go to all the trouble of  producing a T-shirt to go with it. You know, one like this, which you'd spend  money designing and producing, in the hope that you can sell shit loads of them and make a tidy profit .....

Nah .... this is a wind-up, surely. I mean no-one is ever going to buy one of those fuckers, are they. It'd be fucking pointless to even think of making them. Wouldn't it.

Hmmm .... please tell me this a joke.

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Matt Wardman Wire Less : Where's He Gone?

The highly respected Wardman Wire and Matt Wardman websites are both showing the same message .... "This account has been suspended". His Twitter and Facebook accounts are still active but neither have recent entries.

Any ideas?

Bloggers, in general, seem to be dropping like flies at the moment.

What the fuck is going on?

Is this thing contagious? Do I need to disinfect my google reader or something?

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National Schools Film Week : Fail

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ed Taliband

Via satellite phone, from the caves of Afghanistan, footage of the first official overseas endorsement of Ed Miliband as the new anti-capitalist leader of the Labour party ......

via dioclese

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 11]

Yes! Thank fuck for that and I can finally get down the local tonight for a few pints and a decent bit of pub grub. Mind you, I don't think I'll be swinging by The Golden Fleece Inn at Tremadog, for a burger, anytime soon.

After watching this highly informative documentary, which has now been banned by YouTube, you can probably see my point .....

Look out for the dog at the end of the film ..... says it all really. Priceless!

Incidentally, this isn't the end of the 'shittiest burger in Wales' story, there's much more to tell. Watch this space for the next installment ;-)

Pope Astronomer To Baptise Aliens?

Apparently so.

Extra terrestrial lifeforms would be welcomed into the church "no matter how many tentacles" says senior Vatican scientist, Brother Guy Consolmagno.

Tip of ET's finger to Ampers, for the inspiration ;-)

Lazy Education In Norwich

Or. if you prefer, 'Gotty's Piss Boiler of the Week'.

It appears that Norwich County Council have the perfect solution to help bone idle teenage students achieve educational greatness, and deliver outstanding results, in the ever competitive arena of university places and/or full time employment.

The City Academy Norwich, or CAN as it's now become known. 

So what the fuck will be going on in this CAN which, incidentally, is set to cost more than 24 million quid to implement? More hard graft? Longer hours? Improved discipline? Better teachers?

Nope.

They're going to give the lazy little bastards even more lie-ins and turn the classroom (oh, sorry that should be 'learning space') into a "well motivated child's bedroom" by chucking out the traditional school desks and chairs and kitting them out with bean bags, round tables and sofas. (No mention of half eaten bits of toast, dirty underwear, shit loads of make up, a roll-on deodorant mountain or soiled tissues - as yet)

And if that wasn't enough, they're not even going to bother teaching the little scrotes anymore either. Staff will 'delivering the lessons' with a 'project based approach to learning' with the aid of 'learning spaces' that have flexible walls (what. the. fuck.) and a giant 30ft interactive screen that students, staff and parents will use to access the internet and check on timetables and lessons online gaming forums.

click on image to read more - if your blood pressure can take it

I don't know about anyone else but my piss has all but boiled dry, after reading that, and there are definite forehead imprints appearing on my desk as I finish conveying it in this post.

Twenty four fucking million quid! For what?

Give me fucking strength.

Police Farce Of The Day

On 27th August, this year, West Mercia Police announced 287 job losses (198 civilian posts and 98 officer roles) in an effort to save £10 million from their budget.

Today, 17 days later, West Mercia Police announced the go ahead of a new gatehouse and driveway for their Hindlip Headquaters, at a cost of £3 million pounds, in an effort to "raise more money" in the long term.

Excuse me but how the fucking fucketty fuck does all that work then?

Surely their priority is to 'police' the West Mercia region .... with police officers ..... not fucking driveways and gatehouses! Whatever the fuck next? More police officer job losses in favour of a big  conservatory, out back?

And another thing ... I see Mark 'the maniac' Andrews is still walking the streets after being jailed for attacking a member of the public. Yep, he's been released on bail, pending his appeal. Obviously not considered a danger to the public then.

Give me fucking strength!

It's The WTF Video Of The Year

Boobs that look like dolphins?
Do you think they did that on porpoise?

What the fuck!

Tip of the flipper to Joe Public for the spot ;-)

+++ Mark Andrews Jailed For 6 Months +++ UPDATED +++

As a result of this appallingly brutal and cowardly attack.

 6 fucking months! Is that all. He'll be out in 3.
And Wiltshire Police still haven't sacked him.

His laywer, Jeremy Barton, has already submitted appeal papers.
What. The. Fuck.

Sky News report here