The Must Have Christmas Toy For KIds This Year

Well, when I say 'must have', I mean that your kids 'must have' a penchant for a board game that includes a plastic dachshund which produces fluorescent yellow shit, every time they squeeze the pump action handle. What the fuck! And who says that Germans don't have a sense of humour.

And the name of this game?

Kackel Dackel. I shit you not.

Goliath Games have got previous when it comes to producing kids' games that include an unsavoury discharge .... this is one of theirs too!

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Politictionary© : A Brand New Political Game

I've just invented Politictionary© ... an exciting(?) and very simple game where I post a description of a political figure of note, which I have found within a blogpost or its comments, and you have to try and guess who it is. More than likely it'll be an unflattering but accurate quote (IMHO) about some fuckwit or other connected with politics but I'm sure you'll get the general idea.

Ok then, so here's my first offering:

"Simply put, he's a politically correct halfwit who doesn't know what he's letting himself in for. He'll ignore the warnings, scream "racist", and in 20 years time, when he's getting old, he'll suffer at the hands of those he defended against those who warned him."

So, who do you think it is then?

Yes, yes, I know ... you want the answer now and you can't be fucked to try and guess who it is ... in which case I might as well tell you now then ... I found the quote in amongst the comments here.

Hmmmm, on second thoughts Politictionary© isn't really that exciting is it and it's just too fucking simple for words when you can go straight to the answer without even having one single guess. In fact, the more I think about it ... the more I realise that Politictionary© is no more than a glorified 'Quote of the Day' kind of thing.

Oh well ... 'twas fun while it lasted.

Perhaps I should just stick to posting stuff like this then ....

... which Dr Unbewachter emailed in to me after spotting it on EBay recently?

*dunno*

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The World's Most Powerful Breasts

Thank fuck it's Friday again!

Apart from the fact that the UK seems to be even more fucked than it was this time last week, I've had another one of those weeks I'd rather forget. I won't bore the arse off you with the details but suffice to say that I do actually have a broadband connection today. Fucking hurrah!

So, let's kick the weekend off with Busty Heart, possessor of the world's most powerful breasts apparently. Judge for yourselves but it's definitely a 'what the fuck' moment, if ever I saw one. Not for the faint hearted and the looks on those judges faces are just fucking priceless!

All the squashed beer cans he can drink go to Joe Public for the titillation ;-)

Thank Fuck It's Friday - Grumpy Old Bastard Edition

Thank fuck it's that time of the week again ... and hasn't it been a busy one, eh. So much fuckwittery from so many fuckwits! So, I reckon it may be a good idea to lighten up a bit with a few grumpy old git/bastard/fucker/twat jokes which should help to lower the BP a bit (and the tone) ... along with a bottle or two of vin rouge, of course ;-)

• On hearing that her elderly grandad had died, Katie rushed to her 98 year old grandmother's house. She asked how he had died, gran replied, "He had a heart attack during sunday morning sex." Katie was aghast at her 2 grandparents risking their lives making love. Her grandmother continued, "We did it to the church bells. Nice and slow. 'In' on the ding and 'out' on the dong", she paused for a moment to to wipe away a tear, "He'd still be alive today if that fucking ice cream van hadn't come along!"

• As a family I'm trying my best to keep up with all the latest technology ... so I bought my son an iPod, my daughter an iPhone and treated myself to one of those iPad thigies. Then I felt sorry for Pigsy,  so I bought her a top of the range, no expenses spared iRon ...  and that's when it all fuckin kicked off. What an ungrateful bitch!

• Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I preferred legs or breasts. I replied, "Well, what I really like is a shaved snatch" .... I'm no longer welcome in my local branch of KFC, apparently.

A Gotty Grin to Caratacus, Joe Public and Steady Eddie for their contributions ;-)

 Oh, and I almost forgot, for those of you who would rather keep your piss boiling at an even temperature, an official police document has surfaced on how they should [differently] handle the arrests of muslims and non-muslims. It beggars fucking belief! Barking Spider has the details.

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Thank Fuck It's Friday And It's Bonfire Night

Fuck Guy Fawkes!

Who the fuck would you really like to see on top of that huge roaring bonfire tonight ... burning it's way to nothing more than a pile of ashes? Who would you love to see strapped to a big bastard rocket and fired off into oblivion? Whose arse would you like to see with a large, fuck the fuck off, roman candle rammed into it ... with your lighted match hovering around their blue touch paper?

Here's a few popular choices for 21st centuary 'guys' that have appeared in one of today's papers. It's a good start but I'm sure we can come up with a huge and definitive list can't we? And feel free to send in a few more pics if you have them ;-)

Have a great bonfire night!

Free packet of sparklers to Microdave for sending in the scans of the 'guys' ;-)

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Sorted

Pocket of loose change goes to Killemall and Joe Public
for sending in this example of French tolerance and understanding
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Saturday Late Night WTF!

What the fuck, indeed ... or have I just led a sheltered life?
Howd she doo dat? Or is she just taking the piss?

Anyhow, don't forget to put your cocks clocks back tonight chaps ... and as for the laydees ... well, that'll give you an extra hour to come up with yet another way of making sure we'll never fucking understand the fairer sex ;-)

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Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 15]

Another 5 days of fury over and done and the weekend starts here! Mind you the fucking clocks got back this week .... what the fuck's that all about then ... apart making everyone drive home in the bastard dark, I just can't see the fucking point. Twats!

Meanwhile, I've a few things that might help banish the Friday night frown this week. Let's kick off with a video for all you white van drivers out there.
Altogether now ... "right in the middle of the fucking road ..."

Free copy of The Sun goes to Ampers for spotting that one ;-)

Then we have this year's 'must have' christmas* toy, spotted by Captain Ranty in the Tripoli branch of Toys aRse, on a shelf next to the Gordon Brown punchbag and the Taliban blow up doll ....

click image to enlarge

And finally,  for those of you who have important things to do outside over the next couple of days, with thanks to Microdave, we can now bring you the finer details of this weekend's weather forecast.

click to *ahem* enlarge even more ;-)

Whoa!! ..... fuck me!!
Who gives a fuck about the weekend weather forecast anymore ......

*Yes that's 'christmas', you righteous fuckwits. Not 'winterval' or 'yule festival' or whatever the fuck else you 'don't offend islam', minority loving mongs want us to call it this fucking year! Fuck off!

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MSM Tuesday 26/10/10

It's been a while since Gotty last gave me some space on this blog, but as the ConDems seem to be just as bad (if not worse) than the last lot, I thought I would try and find a few snippets to cheer us all up. It hasn't been an easy task ..... firstly let this be a warning!

Unwanted penis tattooed on man's back

October 26, 2010 - 9:11AM

A Queensland man faces criminal charges after allegedly tattooing a 18" long penis onto his mate’s back. Police have charged a 21-year-old man from Bundamba, near Ipswich, with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm and one offence relating to the public safety act.

He will appear in Ipswich Magistrates Court on November 15. It will cost the 25-year-old alleged victim about $2000 to remove the lewd tattoo. It depicts a 18" long image of a penis and a misspelled slogan implying the man is gay. Police said the pair had a disagreement before the tattooing.

Ipswich Detective Constable Paul Malcolm said the victim was mortified by what happened to him.

‘‘The victim wasn’t interested (in a tattoo) at first but he was talked into it and he said he wanted a Yin and Yang symbol with some dragons,’’ Detective Malcolm told the Queensland Times today.

‘‘The bloke started doing the tattoo and there was another bloke standing there watching saying, ‘Mate, it’s looking really good.’

‘‘He was told not to go out into the sun and not to show anyone for a few weeks.

‘‘When he got home he showed it to the person he lives with and she said: ‘I don't think it’s the tattoo you were after’.’’

Next to all the bird lovers out there I have found the idea pet for our host ....

.... and it appears the bird is making a comeback in this neighbourhood:

Then there was the middle aged lady, who on reaching a certain age, decides to have a spot of cosmetic surgery down below... a bit of nip and tuck if you will.

When she wakes after surgery, there are three bunches of flowers on her table. She says to the nurse "Oh they're lovely, who are they from?"

The nurse replies "The first are from your surgeon, for being such a wonderful patient." "The second are from your husband, he wishes you a speedy recovery and is looking forward to touching the sides again." "And the third are from Eric in the Burns Unit to say thanks for the new ears."

Some of you may already have spotted the following clip which I posted on EyeTube, but if not have a chuckle:

Lastly I read that Brits have been bothering residents of a well known Austrian village by calling up and asking "Is that Fucking" ... and then laughing at them down the phone. Residents are upset over the amount of calls they receive from, often, drunk callers.

Mayor Siegfried Hauppl said: 'I don't know why the English have to go on about it all the time - we are always in the news but we are just a little village - we want to be left in peace.'

Though the article points out that the mayor of a Village in Switzerland, called Wank, told the Fucking residents to use their name as tourism since the Wank Guest House is always full.

Still, it could be worse - how do you think the residents of this place feel?

Microdave

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Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 14]

The weekend starts here which means I've managed to survive yet another week on the internet without my broadband connection, no thanks to B-fucking-T who have now been royally fucked the fuck off,  but the dongle thing is just about hanging on in there. Although I'm getting rather pissed off with having to re-boot the bastard thing once an hour or so. Ah well, beggars can't be choosers, eh.

So, as usual, red wine will be taken in industrial quantities while I kick back and reflect on a fairly typical shit stick of a week. Have a great weekend yourselves, wherever you happen to be on the internet ....

Click image to view the ridiculously large version

PS. I'd give a hat tip to the sad twat that spent hours and hours putting this map together in the basement of his mother's house but can't find out who the fuck is responsible for it. Perhaps the 'billy no mates geek' just doesn't want us to know ;-)

Beer Holder Of The Week

Normally I prefer my beer chilled but on this occasion I'm definitely prepared to make an exception. Where the fuck can I get one? ..... complete of course.

Have a great weekend all.

Cheers!

Tip of the err ... well, you know what I mean ...
to Captain Haddock for the product placement ;-)

On Second Thoughts .....

click to enlarge (fnarr, fnarr)

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 12]

So Red Ed is busy pulling his best Forrest Gump faces today, while sitting on that wooden bench of his, trying to decide which Labour fuckwit gets which Shadow cabinet job.

Cooper Balls is a hot tip for the top, apparently ... *yawn*

Fuck that .... it's Friday, let's have some fun instead! I reckon we can't go far wrong by coming up with a few captions for this photo, so let the piss taking commence ....

Triple ration of rum to Cap'n H for sending in the pic ;-)

Saturday Night Karaoke

Still incandescent with rage after yesterday's post and haven't been able to think about much else, to be honest, despite downing a few bottles of the red calming fluid. So, I thought, how about a bit of Saturday night karaoke ... that should soothe the Grumpy Old Twat a little ......

Well, the phone rang, I answered it, ticked like crazy, then thought why not record Rick Astley's classic track, Never Gonna Give You Up"

The Main Meal

Tic of the hat to Microdave ;-)

Dickhead Video of the Week

Tilt of the head to Brickbat for the spot ;-)

Time To Say Goodbye

We Are Sailing

Seven metre seas and 50 knot winds hit a ship during a severe storm off the New Zealand coast. This piece of CCTV footage picks up the effects it had on some of the passengers and crew.

Funny as fuck ......

Tip of the sou'wester to Rod for the heads up ;-)

Tits 'n' Arse

Some days must be more entertaining than others when your sole job in life is to conjure up witty and/or  accurate headlines for a news story. Take this one for example:

Butts Arrested In Boob Murder Case

Leaving aside the distressing facts that actually lie behind that headline, the writer who produced it must have had a fucking grin the size of an 18 stone cheshire cat after being handed the editorial for that story.

Then there's this one:

Half-Naked Cumbrian Woman Masturbated

Whilst Driving On Motorway After She Wet Herself

Whoa! Whoever was responsible for that, obviously decided to fill his fucking boots and just couldn't resist tagging on that extra piece of 'information over share' at the end. No wonder really, the actual story behind that one is jammed packed full of 'titterfest' moments.

Oh .... and I know exactly what you dirty bastards are thinking too. "What the fuck does she look like? Is she fit". Well, far be it from me to err. .... spill the bean, why not judge for yourselves, the 'lady' in question can be seen HERE.

Anyhow, there must be shitloads more of these out there, somewhere, that will surely amuse and entertain us all. Have you got any fine examples that you'd like to share? The problem is it's only Monday and I'm already as grumpy as fucking fuck, especially after seeing that video over at Cato's. It's fucking ages until TFIF so I could really do with something to make me break the fuck out into a smile.

Tip of the twat to Caratacus and Microdave for the two examples above ;-)

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 9]

Well, not only is it the weekend but it's also the last Bank Holiday before Christmas (or is that Winter Festival theses days?). A word of caution though if, like me, you're rather partial to industrial quantities of relaxation water .... you might like to take heed from the following video, which involves one of our readers (I shit you not). I'm not going to name him myself on the basis that I certainly don't won't to get on the wrong side of his 'other half'.  Picture quality is crap but the words come through loud and fucking clear. Enjoy .....

Choosing A WiFi Network Name

Always a difficult one this. What name to give your WiFi Network without being totally boring and predictable. Things like 'Home 001' or 'John Smith' or 'Chez Nous' all lack inspiration and show no thought at all to the fact that all your neighbours (and all those free loading WiFi hunters with mobile scanners) will be able to see and read it too.

Fear not! The Grumpy Old Twat has a few suggestions for you, which should liven things up a tad in your neighbourhood. Why not use the opportunity to send a message out to those fuckwits across the road or just let everybody know what the fuck you get up to behind closed doors. Anyway here's a few of my favourites and they're all genuine. Click any image to enlarge ... if you dare:

From a selection supplied by our Internet and Computer Technology Correspondent, Micodave.