Give Me Fucking Strength

Not only are the taxpayers footing the bill for all the low life chav scum to sit on their fat arses watching "I'm 48 stone, pregnant and looking for love", on daytime tv, whilst stuffing their faces with pizza and chips while guzzling cans of Stella, it appears we will be paying for their phone calls too.

From the 18th January mobile phone calls to around 70 of the DWP 0800 numbers will be free.

Yes, that's fucking right!
Mobile phone calls to claim benefits will be free.

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Yvette Cooper, said: "We don't want people who lose their jobs or the poorest pensioners to be penalised when they need to claim benefits."

Is it just me or is anyone else already walking around topless?

As I said . . . give me fucking strength.

What The Fuck. Literally.

"I have a huge grin on my face all the time, and it's not just because of the orgasms" says Michelle, the 300 orgasms a day woman who has finally found a man to satisfy her exhausting sexual requirements.

What the fuck, indeed!

Now I've heard some pretty varied excuses for work shy, lardy arsed chavs to avoid hard graft, whilst we pay for their Stella, fags and plasma TV's via the benefits system, but this one takes the fucking biscuit.

Literally.

This permanently vibrating piece of lard had to quit her job at the biscuit factory because the machines kept 'setting her off'. Lazy cunt. Actually that's wrong, it's just the rest of her that is.

This video interview is something else. Watch and weep . . . .

And what does Andrew the stallion do for a fucking living?

He's an industrial cleaner.

Fucking priceless!

Jacqui and Hazel discuss their new exercise bike.

Apparently it's called the Harriet Harmoniser

BBC News Impartial - Fat Chance

Another day of hard graft saw me 'flat out like a lizard drinking', paying attention to detail, taking pride in my work, customer is king (or queen) etc, ethics which are standard issue to all of us normal 'work-fucking-hard'-for-a-living-and-you-shall-be-rewarded' types.

Anyway, whilst I was doing this, my customer happened to switch on the TV for the BBC news.

I was absolutely fucking well astonished!

The 'top story' was all about fat fucking chavs getting diabetes because they were all so lardy arseingly fat! Sitting around on their doughnut infested bulging buttocks is apparently the main cause for 'catching' type 2 diabetes. 41,000 of the fat fucks in the last few years.

Makes fucking sense to me but who gives a fuck? Eat + no excersise = fat fucker. Why is it headline news? And why did they spend at least ten minutes discussing it? Well, when I say discussing I mean interviewing five a day green grocers, doctors who hadn't eaten for 10 years and humungous whale looking wankers with half a cow and a sack of king edwards in their fat chav gobs whilst drinking 'atlantic' sized Pepsis sucked through a hosepipe.

Anyway, I'll tell you why, and this was the reason my astonishment was absolutely fucking. Further down the list of news items was the story about Jack Straw refusing to release the Cabinet minutes relating to the start of the Iraq war!

Yes that's right. The British Broadcasting Cunteration were literally burying an item of 'actual importance' under a pile of jelly on a plate, gut bucketing, lardy cake snaffling lardy arses that feed their fat fucking faces with lard fucking sandwiches all day whilst claiming benefits instead of working for a living.

That's why I was fucking astonished.

I just can't tell you which, out of the three useless wankers, I was most cross about.

1. The BBCunteration for trying to distract me from/fucking bury the 'real news'
   
2. The junk food jerk offs who get diabetes just because they are all lazy cunts
3. Jack 'zip it' Straw for vetoing the release of the Iraq war Cabinet minutes which immediately leads you to think, 'what the fuck are you hiding you untrustworthy bunch of Nulabore nonces?

My conclusion?

Another classic case of the British Broadcasting Cunteration helping Gordoom Brownfinger, and his band of useless tossers, to bury news that they'd rather we didn't know about.

Oh and fat, benefit blagging chavs are all cunts.

That'll be all three then.

Twats!

We're Not All Fucking Chavs

The Grumpy Old Twat has been shocked to the core, yet again, by some marketing mong or other who has decided to 'fix' something that just isn't fucking broken.

Most of you will all ready know that I don't like change for change's sake and it certainly fucks me off big time when some spotty faced twat, fresh out of marketing school, decides to fuck around with perfectly adequate existing foodstuffs that have been happily available in the same traditional way for donkeys years.

Well, Walkers 'jug eared smug twat lineker' Crisps have decided we now need some new flavours with which to tickle our taste buds. Oh no, Ready Salted, Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar and Smokey Bacon just aren't fucking good enough for us anymore.

Ok, ok, so I admit to the odd packet of Tomato Ketchup flavour but it appears that those who know best at Wankers Crisps have decided that we have now all become lardy arsed, gut bucketing, 50" plasma watching, fat fucking freeloading, tasteless Chavs and we now need these 6 new flavours to suit our benefit fueled lay-about lifestyle.

1. Onion Bahji
   
2. Fish & Chips
   
3. Cajun Squirrel
   
4. Builder's Breakfast
   
5. Chilli & Chocolate
   
6. Crispy Duck & Hoisin
   

I fucking shit you not!

Whaaaat the buggery, fucking, bollocks of a planet were these 'fuck up our food' fuckers on when they thought of this pile of shit? And what kind of sad fuck sits down in his laboratory, whips out his tasteless taste buds, and decides what fucking squirrel should taste like?

Just fuck the fuck off, get a new life and leave our crispy comestibles alone!

It's enough to drive me to drink.

Oh, ok then, just a bottle of Islay single malt with the top off and a straw inserted . . . .  oh, and perhaps a few Twiglets would be nice. No 'funny fuck' flavours though.

Twats!

Stansted Airport Protesters

I don't understand why they had to close the airport.

If those twats are so Plane Stupid,

that they can't see what is really affecting

the lives of normal people in this Country,

then they deserved to be fucking creamed

by any passing aircraft.