Sunday, 30 November 2008

Jonathan Ross Resigns From The BBC

We can only dream at this stage but I heard today that Wonathan Wucking Woss is "hugely contrite" following his pathetic radio performance at Andrew Sachs expense.
Well isn't that fucking big of him.
Who gives a toss what that fuckwit thinks now?
If  WWW is so apologetic then why doesn't that overbloated, self opinionated arsehole do us all a favour
and fall on the tax payers sword.
I'll give you 18 million reasons why he won't.

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Laurel & Hardy

Saw this photo of Laurel and Hardy
and thought it would be ideal for a caption competition.
Add your own pithy and offensive captions
via the comments link below.

I'll start you off with:

"For fucks sake darling, some of your bullshit has just flown into my eye!"


I went to buy a box of Weetabix.
What a fucking performance!
  1. I don't like shopping
  2. I don't like supermarkets
  3. What's fucking super about them
  4. I don't like change
First of all I have to avoid all the morons tear arseing around with their trollies - where's the fucking fire! Nobody told me that Tesco are on the F1 Grand Prix calender. 

Then there are the kids, those snotty nosed little shits with no manners whatsoever, who just seem to do and say what the fuck they like. Its no wonder when you see their chav mothers, in velour shell suit bottoms, trying to decide how many cans of vodka Red Bull to buy. Those Katona lookalike bitches make no fucking attempt to restrain those twatting little Whitney, Britney and Shitney bastards. I fucking hate 'em, mainly because those brainless tossers have got loads more money to spend than I have because they're all on fucking benefits!

Coffin dodgers!
Dithering about the place whilst conducting a master class in how to be frugal.
Have you ever seen them buying one rasher of bacon, half a sausage and 3oz of tripe? At least they don't need bog roll - they're still using a commemorative copy of The Daily Telegraph that was published the Sunday after
The Titanic sank!

Finally I get to the breakfast cereal aisle! No shit!
There must have been ten different types of fucking Weetabix on those shelves.
What the twatting, bollocksy, fuckwank is going on here?
I just want an ordinary box Weetabix!

Weetabix Gold
Gold? Gold what? Is that why it's so fucking expensive.
Weetabix Organic
Please don't tell me it's got cow shit and sheep piss in it.
Weetabix Fruit & Fibre
If we needed a good shit we'd have had a curry last night.
Weetabix Minis
Fuck me, they make small cars out of this stuff now.
Anyone seen one on the road?
I bet they're fucking useless in the wet!
Weetabix Bitesize
What tosser decided how big a bite is then?
Kids bite? Adult Bite? Love Bite, Fucking dog bite?
Weetabix Chocolate Crisp
A kids birthday party feast all mixed up together in a bowl.
That's sure to make the little bastards puke all over their Wii.
Weetabix Honey & Nut
For fuck's sake put honey on your toast, like any normal person and scratch your nuts whilst your eating it you tossers!

Then there's all the cheap shite Tesco versions
and the Oat-a-fucking-bran-a-nutri-wank-a-flake versions.
Don't even start me on
Cornflakes, Ready Brek and Special K.
Talk about a head fuck!


Ahh, at last, that's the one I'm after!

Just need to go through the checkout now
(tell you about that another time).


Friday, 28 November 2008

No One is Safe

Apparently a thief stole a blank cheque from a company where he worked.
He made it out to himself for £895 because he wanted some holiday money.
His boss found out and marched him off to the Police with a sign around his neck which said "I stole £895 and am on my way to the Police Station"
With me so far?
All sounds fair and square doesn't it?

Hold onto to your fucking hats!
The thief was let off with a caution and the boss was arrested and charged with false imprisonment. Along with 3 other employees who helped to restrain the offender.
What the fuck is going on!
It gets worse, apparently the offender (who now seems to be the victim) is threatening to sue his boss for 'humiliation and upset". (Looks like he'll still get his holiday then).
Somebody is having a fucking giraffe here!

If I was in the same situation (I have my own business) I would expect to be able to apprehend the offending piece of shit and seek judicial recourse.
By all accounts that'll be a waste of fucking time then because instead of being the one who has been fucked I would undoubtedly become the fuckee!

British Justice? Pah!
Waste of fucking time unless you are a
benefit claiming asylum seeking lesbian,
with 9 kids (all from different unknown fathers),
living in a 6 bedroom mansion,
paid for by Haringey Council.
Fuck the fuck off you twats!

Another Waste of Tax Payers Money

Fuck me sideways!
Have you seen this heap of shit?
This has cost us £40,000 pounds!
It's a half finished shed that took 2 fucking years to build and is supposed to be a work of art!

Click here, if you want to see the twats that commissioned this load of bollocks.
They are so proud of this fucking heap of shit that they've made a short film about it.
Even more money wasted!
At no point do they mention that it cost the tax payers FORTY THOUSAND POUNDS.

These art group tossers are called FirstSite and have apparently had £millions of tax payers money.
The best bit?
It's only temporary and will be knocked down in February.

Whose the twat here?
  1. The artist, for taking the piss?
  2. FirstSite, for wasting our money on shitty self indulgent bollocks?
  3. The poxy Government, for letting them have our money?
This is a classic case of three strikes and you're out.
They're all twats!

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Woolworths and MFI

Two major high street retailers have gone down the pan today.
What the fuck are those NuLabore wankers doing to this country?
If we do manage to have some spare cash, despite Darling's apparently futile attempts to come up with something, where the hell will we spend it?
Oh, how stupid of me, the tosser will just increase Income Tax, Council Tax and everything other fucking tax until we're all fucked.
In fact I can feel Gordoom's dick starting to prod my arse now!
If this country gets any more deflated it won't be able to breathe!

Credit Crunch Pub Lunch

Whatever happened to the good old 'pie and a pint'?
Who the fuck decided that the great British public wants over priced 'lardee dardee' shit for lunch?
Mediterranean vegetables with goats cheese and basil on a baby jacket potato £5.95 - fuck off!
Rocket and wild mushrooms with an autumn berry jus on ciabatta £4.75 - bollocks!
For fucks sake, where have the cheese and onion sandwiches and meat pies gone?
It won't be long before pubs stop selling beer!
Will all you pub landords stop bleating on about how bad trade is because of the credit crunch and wake up and smell the coffee (cappuccino, frappuccino, cafe mocha or whatever the fuck else you call it these days).
Give us what we fucking want!

Monday, 24 November 2008

Dishwasher Out Of Warranty

Have you ever got used to something always doing its job? It carries on year after year without a hint of breaking down, and if you're really lucky, you can even get away without servicing it either? Oh sweet heaven.

Then, just when you expect it least, usually at the most inconvenient time, the fucking thing develops a fault.
Well that's just what happened to the bloody dishwasher tonight!
Ok, it's over 25 years old and so what do I fucking expect but Pigsy has absolutely refused to wash the dishes tonight. Apparently, she is sick and fucking tired of me not paying attention to what she is saying (selective deafness I call it) and as a result she can no longer guarantee to do the washing up on a regular basis until I 'mend my ways'.
Mend my ways! Mend my fucking ways! Try talking to me about something interesting and then I'll fucking listen! Something that doesn't sound like 'blah blah squeal, yatter twitter yatter, blahdee fucking blah', might help!
Me? A  male chauvinist and a grumpy old twat?
On a good day I can be quite a pheasant plucker!

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Easy Like A Sunday Morning

I should be so fucking lucky! 
England are getting thrashed in the 4th ODI cricket against India (no change there then!). 
Thank fuck it's raining there at the moment so we might get away with a draw! Don't bother ringing any call centres today 'cos all those muppets from Bangalore are at the ground, jumping up and down like a load of twats everytime India score! Press 3 to nuke the whole fucking lot of them I say.
Pissing with rain here too, so needless to say that fucking cat has just come in and dumped another load of toxic waste. That'll be my nostrils fucked again!
Put the radio on and was confronted with the new Tom Jones single . . . what the fuck is that all about? Its about time that old fart knocked it on the head. Who wants to see some 110 year old has been from the valleys, still thrusting his leather clad, lump of coal filled crotch at anything with tits. Its fucking disgusting!
Turned the radio off, put the cricket back on, still fucking raining!

Saturday, 22 November 2008

BBC Waste Licence Payers Money

If you're looking for a well constructed and balanced argument on the subject of the BBC Licence Fee, then you're in the wrong place.
Jonathan Ross or Wonathan Wucking Woss (as he is known in this house) is a complete an utter fucking, twating, bolloxing waste of licence fee payers money. £16m for what?  Showing us how far up his own arse he can shove his head?
Poncing about the place and sticking his tongue up anyone's arse that has got a new film/show/book/single to promote?
Please do me favour and fuck off (keep the change it'll be worth it).
Even though I fucking hate that kiddy fiddler, Gary Glitter, I hear that he has phoned Ross to say he has fucked his daughter, nice one!
Strictly Come Dancing . . . The judges are a bunch of moronic coffin dodgers!
If you don't like the public's opinion then don't invite them to phone in and fucking give it! Leave John Sargeant alone!
The One Show . . . The fucking One Show! That's ironic, there's fucking hundreds of them!
Its another example of shitting out licence fee money 'til the cows come home.
Full of mindless crap and yet another BBC vehicle for anybody who wants to promote their new film/show/book/single.
As for the presenters? A pasty faced twat that looks liked he's walked into a door on the way to the studio and some bird with a face full of teeth that looks like a fucking matchstick with all the wood shaved off!
That Adrian Chiles is fucking everywhere, he's like dog shit!
Fuck off back to Working Lunch where nobody can see you!

Just like the BBC does with some of it's output, I've got a feeling that I'm going to produce a series of worthless fucking episodes of this shit!

Friday, 21 November 2008

Gordon Brown Denies June Election

Apparently Gordoom Brown has dismissed rumours of an election because he is "100% focussed on the economy".
More like 100% fuckus on the economy!
I also ask the question who is this June woman?
What is she doing with an erection?
Is she some kind of transexual PPS?
How did Gordoom manage to give her an erection,
by showing her his dispatch box?
No doubt he still managed to fuck her up the arse,
like he's doing with the rest of us!

Thursday, 20 November 2008


Now don't get me wrong, I love cats. Especially so when I was younger. There's something very therapeutic about stroking a nice pussy. Trouble is that when you get older it gets harder to find one that will keep still long enough for you to gain some comfort from it.
Anyway, I digress, what I fucking hate about cats is the unbelievable stink of their shit!
Have you ever in your whole life had anything that rips the fuck out of your nostrils than the smell of a cats bowel movement? There I am relaxing in the evening enjoying a nice glass of red and exchanging the details of my exciting day with Pigsy . . . and then it hits me! "Is that you dear?" I ask in a controversial kind of way, knowing that I'm going to regret it. Sure enough "Fuck off!" comes the reply "Are you sure it isn't you?". The Scrapster looks the other way and then confirmation of the real culprit reaches my ears.
Its the sound of cat litter being manically scattered at a vast rate of knots in a vain attempt to cover the almighty fucking stench of the cat's shit! Trouble is 75% of it ends up on the floor (Thats the cat litter not the shit). Its so nice having a gravel driveway for a hall!
What really gets my fucking goat is that the cat has been outside all day and I've just let her in. The first thing she fucking does when she comes in is take a fucking dump! What's that all about? Why couldn't she do it outside and preferably in a neighbours garden. If I was paranoid (which I'm not, am I?) I'd think she was giving me a head fuck!
What's even worse is that her name is Sweetie . . . . who the fuck thought of that name? (Can't say). I suggest that next time we have a cat we need to wait and see how bad her shit smells before we name her.
And another thing, as soon as you clear away the offending article, wearing 3 clothes pegs and using a pair of barbecue tongs, the next thing she does is park her fucking tea again!
Where does it all come from? What the fuck is she eating? Whiskers? More like Shitty Kat!

P.S. I wish my cat could do this (and flush afterwards!)

Wednesday, 19 November 2008


There is only one thing that's predictable
about predictive text.
Its drives me around the "Fork In Band!"

Adverts On The BBC

I'm sick and fucking tired of having to watch programme adverts on the BBC. For fucks sake, why would anyone want to see a preview of a programme about the one they are about to watch? Example "Next tonight on BBC is Spooks". This is then followed by a trailer about Spooks. Then Spooks starts! Why don't those fucking twats at the BBC stop arseing around and just show the fucking programme.
Another thing "Coming Soon", coming fucking soon!
Whats that all about? Coming when? If we were at all interested in "this programme" that was "Coming Soon", when can we fucking see it then, you tossers? How long is "Soon"? An hour, a day, a week, a fucking month?
"Coming Soon" . . . . Perhaps its a reference to all those female presenters who seem to be pregnant every 5 minutes (or is it 9 months?). Twats!