Friday, 31 July 2009

I'm A Wanker #4

Bob Ainsworth is a wanker
and he's also 4 of these

Here are some more wankers

I'm A Wanker #3

Gordon Brown is a wanker
and here is yet another reason why.

Here are some more wankers

I'm A Wanker #2

Alan Johnson is a wanker
and here is a post about his latest wankstain.

Here are some more wankers

I'm A Wanker #1

Peter Mandelson is a wanker
and so is this bloke

Thursday, 30 July 2009

+++EXCLUSIVE+++ Bob Ainswoth Photo

This exclusive photo of Bob Ainsworth has been leaked to me by a contact in the British Armed Forces. It was taken by one of 'Our Boys' shortly after Bob the Knob's last moral boosting visit to the British Forces, stationed in the Afghan desert. One can only assume that they weren't too impressed by the bullshit spouting, spineless twat and that it's fairly safe to say that their moral was none too boosted either . . . .

Fucking Fucker Fuck Fucked

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

David Cameron Says Twat

Fucking nice one Dave!
Anyone that uses the word twat is fine by me but maybe next time you'll call Gordon Brown a cunt . . . err, I mean twat.


I went to buy a box of Weetabix.
What a fucking performance!

1. I don't like shopping
2. I don't like supermarkets
3. What's fucking super about them
4. I don't like change

First of all I have to avoid all the morons tear arseing around with their trollies - where's the fucking fire! Nobody told me that Tesco are on the F1 Grand Prix calender.

Then there are the kids, those snotty nosed little shits with no manners whatsoever, who just seem to do and say what the fuck they like. Its no wonder when you see their chav mothers, in velour shell suit bottoms, trying to decide how many cans of vodka Red Bull to buy. Those Katona lookalike bitches make no fucking attempt to restrain those twatting little Whitney, Britney and Shitney bastards. I fucking hate 'em, mainly because those brainless tossers have got loads more money to spend than I have because they're all on fucking benefits!

Coffin dodgers!
Dithering about the place whilst conducting a master class in how to be frugal. Have you ever seen them buying one rasher of bacon, half a sausage and 3oz of tripe? At least they don't need bog roll - they're still using a commemorative copy of The Daily Telegraph that was published the Sunday after The Titanic sank!

Finally I get to the breakfast cereal aisle! No shit!
There must have been ten different types of fucking Weetabix on those shelves. What the twatting, bollocksy, fuckwank is going on here?
I just want an ordinary box Weetabix!

Weetabix Gold
Gold? Gold what? Is that why it's so fucking expensive.
Weetabix Organic
Please don't tell me it's got cow shit and sheep piss in it.
Weetabix Fruit & Fibre
If we needed a good shit we'd have had a curry last night.
Weetabix Minis
Fuck me, they make small cars out of this stuff now.
Anyone seen one on the road?
I bet they're fucking useless in the wet!
Weetabix Bitesize
What tosser decided how big a bite is then?
Kids bite? Adult Bite? Love Bite, Fucking dog bite?
Weetabix Chocolate Crisp
A kids birthday party feast all mixed up together in a bowl.
That's sure to make the little bastards puke all over their Wii.
Weetabix Honey & Nut
For fuck's sake put honey on your toast, like any normal person and scratch your nuts whilst your eating it you tossers!

Then there's all the cheap shite Tesco versions
and the Oat-a-fucking-bran-a-nutri-wank-a-flake versions.
Don't even start me on Cornflakes, Ready Brek and Special K.
Talk about a head fuck!


Ahh, at last, that's the one I'm after!

Just need to go through the checkout now
(tell you about that another time).


Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Obama Botox Backfires

"Is it 'cos I's half black?", he arks

Anyone Else Have A Cat?

Now don't get me wrong, I love cats.
Especially so when I was younger.
Sexist Alert >> There's something very therapeutic about stroking a nice pussy. Trouble is that when you get older it gets harder to find one that will keep still long enough for you to gain some comfort from it. <

Anyway, I digress, what I fucking hate about cats is the unbelievable stink of their shit! Have you ever in your whole life had anything that rips the fuck out of your nostrils than the smell of a cats bowel movement?

There I am relaxing in the evening enjoying a nice glass of red and exchanging the details of my exciting day with Pigsy . . . and then it hits me! "Is that you dear?" I ask in a controversial kind of way, knowing that I'm going to regret it. Sure enough, "Fuck off!" comes the reply "Are you sure it isn't you?". The Scrapster looks the other way, like dogs do when they sense trouble, but then confirmation of the real culprit reaches my ears.

Its the sound of cat litter being manically scattered at a vast rate of knots in a vain attempt to cover the almighty fucking stench of the cat's shit! Trouble is 75% of it ends up on the floor (thats the cat litter not the shit). Its so nice having a gravel driveway for a hall!

What really gets my fucking goat is that the cat has been outside all day and I've just let her in. The first thing she fucking does when she comes in is take a fucking dump! What's that all about? Why couldn't she do it outside and preferably in a neighbours garden. If I was paranoid (which I'm not, am I?) I'd think she was giving me a head fuck!

What's even worse is that her name is Sweetie . . . . who the fuck thought of that name? (Can't say). I suggest that next time we have a cat we need to wait and see how bad her shit smells before we name her.

And another thing, as soon as you clear away the offending article, wearing 3 clothes pegs and using a pair of barbecue tongs, the next thing she does is park her fucking tea again!
Where does it all come from?
What the fuck is she eating? Whiskers?
More like Shitty Kat!

I wish my cat could do this (and flush afterwards!)

Monday, 27 July 2009

Twat In A Box.

New Labour Lite.

How To Stop Women Smoking

All those anti smoking scientists seem to have gone to an awful lot of trouble to work this one out . . . .

Mind you (he says, talking in an extra deep voice) I would have thought that these Maleboro Lights would help a lot of men to kick the habit too!

Honking Your Horn Is Prohibited?

Apart from the obvious, has anybody else got any idea
what the fuck this sign is trying to stop us doing?

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Oh No! Tom Miller Has Blown My Cover

That's it then, my secrets are out!
All due to the ability (?) of Tom Miller's character profiling technique.
Here is what he had to say in the comments, over at Obo's place . . .

GOT, wakey wakey, get that tinfoil hat off my son.

You don't actually live in V for Vendetta. You probably spend most of your time driving a ford focus or summat, and wearing Marks and Spencer shirts.

Ha ha, spot on!
I'll have to rush out in the morning to BHS and buy some new shirts, straight after I've chopped the Focus in for a Mondeo.

. . . and the Labour party wonder why we all think that they are completely out of touch with the real world. If that's how they perceive the likes of bloggers like me then they surely deserve everything that is heading their way.

Made oi fackin larrf tho!

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Gordon Brown Dance Floor Diva

Gordon and his jive arsed mother fuckers
as you've never seen them before . . . .

Courtesy of Mr Gordon Brown

Friday, 24 July 2009

It's Only Just Begun.

Turn a blind eye Gordon, it will not change a thing. You are sunk, along with your band of despicable fuckwits and lily-livered cowards that you call a party.
Clarke may not want to tell you the truth and Mandy certainly won't, but the electorate have.
Now Fuck The Fucking Fuck Off!

Dulux Colour Chart - New Range

Inspired by a few words in an article from Matthew Norman . . . 

click image to enlarge

If you have any better suggestions ( and I'd be fucking disappointed in all you sharp witted bastards if you didn't) then please feel free to leave your ideas in the comments section.

I will then promise to update my 'rip-the-piss-out-of-Labour' Colour Chart to include all the best suggestions and then re-post it during Silly Week. Credit, where it's due, will of course be given.

So, crack open a bottle of your favourite head fuck juice and get stuck in!

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Bob Ainsworth Busting A Gut

Apparently Bob Ainsworth, the wig wearing, tight arsed, spineless twat of a Defence Secretary, has announced today that he is busting a gut for the troops in Afghanistan.

Yeah right.

Promises, promises.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

#Silly Week

A most excellent idea from The Man in a Shed.

I'm up for it! It sounds like a right fucking laugh!

Click through from HERE to find out how you can take part.

Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Keep it up boys. We're laughing at you
It is after all the start of the "Silly Season."

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

A Matter of Time?

This is a true story.

I have a friend who wears glasses.
He was stopped at passport control on return to his native UK and was asked to remove his glasses by the immigration officer, so he could accurately compare my friend's face to that of his passport photograph.

The person in front of my friend had walked straight through passport control without being challenged, despite the fact that they were wearing a Burka and the immigration officer had also studied her (or his?) passport.

So how long will it be before THIS happens in the UK then?

Seditious Poetry Corner

As you all know I am more than slightly partial to a little sedition (OK then, shitloads) and it's great to see it being executed well in the form of poems, from a talented seditious poet by the name of Cry Baby .

This is their latest offering . . . .
I’m the unelected dictator, I’m squatting in number 10,
You can try and try to evict me, time and time again.
It’s down to me, when I decide, when I want to call the election,
You cant touch me, I’m made of steel and I have the most protection.
That is just the first verse so I suggest you read the rest of it here.
You won't be disappointed!

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Fuck Me! The G.O.N.T. Is Back!

It's been along time since we have seen the G.O.N.T.

Those of you who have been unfortunate enough to have followed this blog from the earlier days, will know exactly what is about to happen. Those of you who may be thinking 'what the fuck' is this all about will find the first episode of it here.

This was followed by Pour Yourself a Scotch and Tell Your Bird to Shut It and We're All Crazy Now. Subsequent outbreaks can be found here, here and fuck me, here as well.

First of all, with a hat tip to Banned for the suggestion . . . .
What the fuck happened to Limahl from Kajagoogoo?

And how about a quick gander at a compilation of 'Pussy Moments' that I have gathered together from 'Are You Being Served'?

Oh yes, classic nostalgia indeed . . .

Every Breath Gordon Brown Takes

I thought that it was about time that our unelected, pant pissing, two faced, troughing, lying, pink oboe playing, lardy arsed, troop killing, fuckwit of a Prime Minister had some more G.O.T. treatment.

It's been far too long.

This time I thought I would mock the fucking fuck out of those ridiculous 'Gordon Breaths' of his. What a complete twat . . .

Saturday, 18 July 2009



Friday, 17 July 2009

Pope Breaks Wrist?

Eh up, I see that the Pope has broken his wrist during a holiday in the Italian Alps.

Apparently he 'slipped' late last night whilst watching TV in his room.

That is all ;-)

Obama Daily Bollocks

An excellent piece of USA style satire by Dr Dave, over at Feed Your ADHD, sparked a right old fucking ding dong in the comments section a couple of days ago. This was mainly due to the Obummer loving liberal (Democrat) fucktards at Daily Kos taking offence to a post about Messiah Hussain's bastard love child.

I couldn't see a problem with it. In fact I even made it my business to get involved in the verbal free-for-fucking-all that ensued in the comments (and please check out Dr Dave's post updates - fucking hilarious). Anyhow I got to thinking that those Daily Kos arsewipes talk nothing but bollocks, just like Bollock Obummer, so I stuck together a few video clips I found of the half black twat trying to speak without the aid of a fucking teleprompter.

So, stick this up your inbred Democrat arses,

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

All Seeing Eye

The All Seeing Eye is back on the loose in the blogosphere

Welcome back my friend.

Help Bring Jacqui Smith To Justice

As well as Old Holborn and Guido, I too am a member of the Sunlight Centre for Open Politics and we have decided to nail that bitch Jacqui Smith for being a thieving cunt.

Any contribution you might be able to make towards the £100,000 that it's going to cost to get her in front of a jury, would be greatly appreciated. Sorry to bother you if you have already donated to the campaign. You can donate via PayPal, telephone or post by clicking on this link. If we can successfully prosecute the former Home Secretary this would be a major step toward cleaning up Westminster and proving to our law makers that they are not above the law.

So put YOUR fucking hands in your pocket for a change, instead of Darling and let's teach the fuckers a lesson. Do it. Give something. Even if it's only a pound. Put the fear of fucking 60,000,000 of us into the 646 bastards who run every minutae of our lives for their own bastard benefit.

Guido has the latest on how the campaign is going

Bob Ainsworth, Great Bloke!

I recently read an article at the Times Online which was basically telling us that Bob Ainsworth was Gordon Brown's third choice for the position of Minister of Defence.

So what you might ask?

The point is that towards the end of the article was an absolutely astonishing quote. I had to read it four fucking times before I was sure that the quote was definitely in relation to the attributes of Bob Ainsworth.

"Bob is liked by the military,” a friend said. “They like his toughness. They like his occasional laddishness.”

Who the fuck was this 'friend', that's what I'd like to know.

It must have been some deaf, blind, mute fucker who has never met, seen or heard the two faced, wig wearing, spineless twat and had to relay his quote via some specially trained mind reading, typing seal or other that his 'friend' had just met on fucking Facebook.

Un-ber-fucking-lievable quote of the fucking day, if you ask me.

Or does anyone disagree?

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Lawson Narse

Just a quick note to explain the absence of Lawson Narse from his blog Flying War Pigs and from his postings here, at GrumpyOldTwat, for nearly a week or so.

He has emailed me to say that he had 'a bit of an incident' last Friday morning, I won't go into detail here but it was serious enough to keep him hospitalised until today (Tuesday). He assures me that he is now on the mend but is also in possession of a complete pharmacy!

He will return to blogging just as soon as he feels able.

We all miss you my friend but take your time to recover fully so that you will be able to give Gordon, and his band of fucktards, both barrels upon your welcome return.

+++ Sarah Brown Lesbian Shock +++

for the EXCLUSIVE full story

Bob Ainsworth Loses It ++LIVE++

Twitch of the 'tash to Red Rag

Monday, 13 July 2009

Babies to be given Gordon Tamiflu Dummies

Tamiflu for Babies

Sunday, 12 July 2009

BBC News Unbiased Edition

Many of you out there already know how biased the BBC are in relation to Gordon Brown and his New Labour cronies. BBC News, in particular, is one of the main culprits so I have spent many hours scouring the New Labour censored YouTube in an effort to collate all the unbiased coverage that has slipped through the net.

The result is this compilation of various clips of BBC News programmes which have had all the NuLiebore spin and propaganda removed.

Sit back and enjoy the BBC News and Weather Unbiased edition . . .  

Saturday, 11 July 2009


What the fucking fuck is this all about?

Perhaps the poor chap had just finished listening to a CD of Gordon Brown's speeches!

Friday, 10 July 2009

Question For Bob Ainsworth

Bob Ainsworth, Thanks for Nothing

As of today 178 of our British Armed Forces personnel have lost their lives in Afghanistan. One wonders how many of those souls would have been saved if Bob Ainsworth and his other spineless cronies, had supplied them with more up-to-date equipment and vehicles.

Equipment and vehicles that are readily available and used by our American counterparts who, by comparison, have lost fewer personnel.

Is this a coincidence?

I think not.


Thanks to Anti Citizen One for supplying a link to this

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Hi, I'm Bob Ainsworth

Visit this site for more excellent mockery of Bob Ainsworth,
Minister for Platitudes and Odious Dumbfucks.

Question Time Live Blog

A regular feature of the Biased BBC is the Live blogging of BBC Question Time. If you haven't seen it before, why not get over there and join in tonight at 10.30pm GMT. It's always very entertaining with plenty of laughs interspersed with excellent political debate.

What Is A PCSO?

click image to enlarge

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Gordon, Out To Lunch?

The lights were on but no-one was home.

Blatant BBC Bias In Action

In case you were ever in any doubt about how biased the BBC are, with regard to the support of their NuLiebore masters, take a look at this clip of film taken from last week's edition of Question time . . . .

H/T Mish Masher

One signal from Harriet Harman and BumbleBee immediately rushes to stifle an argument from IDS which Harperson would rather he didn't continue. Blatant control of the BBC by a senior member of the Government matched only by an equally blatant display of blind obedience by a so-called senior BBC presenter.

Incidentally, those of you who read my post a few days ago on BBC bias over at ASE, might like to know that I received a reply in the comments from an anonymous BBC employee. I found his argument to be a typically predictable 'auto-reply' in a pathetic attempt to justify yet another piece of orchestrated NuLiebore spin by the Brown Broadcasting Corporation.

I wonder what our Beeboid friend is going to make of this post?

Mandelson Brown turned away at Los Angeles

Democracy's Funeral image by Lorenzo

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Translator Required

Can't be arsed with much on here tonight,
too busy fucking around with this shit.

In the meantime, has anybody got a fucking clue
what the fuck this twat is saying?

Stupid Boy!

Captain Gordon 'McSnot' Brown is in his bunker again.

"Don't Panic, don't panic!" says Jonsey.

"DO PANIC, DO PANIC!", say I, fuck me do we need to panic!
We are all doomed, fucked by Captain Brown and his battalion of brainless dickwads together with his equally indefensible strategies, old has beens and young, arrogant arsewipes.

Who do they think they are kidding?
Not me, that's for fucking sure.

Firing squad anyone?

image by Lorenzo

Monday, 6 July 2009

Labour, Freedom To Choose

click pic to enlarge

Hat tip to Shibby for the inspiration

Sunday, 5 July 2009

+EXCLUSIVE+ Michael Jackson Lying In State

Here it is!
The exclusive first official photograph of Michael Jackson lying in state but maybe the mortician was referring to a very old photograph of Jacko whilst he was doing the superstar's final makeover.

Go On Dave, I Dare You.

Tell 'Em Dave.
The Germans did and Dan Hannan has, so it's your turn now.

Next Unelected PM?

Depending on what Lord FondleBum of Boys decides, the next Prime Minister could well be Alan Johnson. I don't know if he eats his own snot or even if he pisses his own pants but he will certainly be unelected, two faced and incompetent.

Not much change there then.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Do You Know Any Cunts?

I thought that this new website might be a bit of fun.

Go on, Nominate A Cunt, you know you want to!

Friday, 3 July 2009

SHOCK: Owen Signs For Man Utd

Fuck me, that is a shock!
I didn't even know that Owen could play football and isn't he a bit old for all that sort of thing now. Having said that he should fit in well at Manchester United because, after all, they're nothing but a bunch of overrated twats.

Labour Election Propaganda

There's an interesting discussion breaking out here.
Why not go and join in.

It's NON SWEARY I'm afraid
but if I can fucking manage it then I'm sure you can!

Failing that, swear your fucking head off here instead.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Twatco 0% On Offer

click pic to enlarge

Previous Twatco fuckwittery available here and here.