Wednesday 3 November 2010

Green Gadget Guide

I spotted an article on the Telegraph website the other day ... Green Gadget Guide it was called. What a load of fucking bollocks! Basically, it was just a way for some green spunk monkey or other to sound all fucking pretentious about so-called energy saving devices and provide a vehicle for Amazon to flog, to all those gullible green mongs, a shit load of twatting tat.


Here is a small selection of their 'Top Ten' ... with my Gotty Green Gadget Guide (money saving alternative) following each cash wasting 'energy saving' item:

Water Pebble
Sits in your shower, recording the amount of water you use per wash. Using a system of traffic lights, it tells you when you’re using more than average and gradually cuts down the time until the amber or red lights come on. Cutting a shower from 22.5L to 18L uses one third less energy, but you probably won’t even notice.
Price : £7.25

Shower every other day. Uses 50% less energy and you probably won't even notice.
Price : Twat all

Ecobutton
Works simply by allowing you to press it once to switch them into their most efficient mode. It connects to your computer via a standard USB port, and is an illuminated reminder of how easy it can be to save electricity. To waken your computer from its ecoslumber, however, just one key press makes it come back instantly. It can save you up to £50 per year.
Price : £8.25

Go to preferences control panel and select energy saving mode. When you're not using your computer it puts itself to sleep. To waken your computer from it's 'ecoslumber', just press any key ... or click the fucking mouse. It can save you up to £100 per year.
Price : Sweet fuck all

Wattson Silver Lining Energy Monitor
A clip attaches to your home’s main power supply, and then the main monitor itself can be sited anywhere to display your energy usage in power and financial terms. This information can precipitate 20 per cent savings.
Price : £123.45

Look at your electricity bill when it arrives, it will display your energy usage in power and financial terms. If it's a huge fuck off bill it can precipitate 35% savings.
Price : Bugger all

Dell Latitude E6510
Unlike many ‘rugged’ laptops, which confuse durability with bulkiness, this Dell Latitude is sleekly styled but incredibly robust, thanks to reinforced hinges and latches and an almost indestructible display. Longer-lasting laptops mean less recycling.
Price : £1959

Treat you current laptop with respect. Don't use it as a TV dinner tray or as a frisbee while you're on the beach. The hinges and latches will be just fine if your name isn't Gordon Brown. Longer-lasting laptops mean less recycling.
Price : Fackawl, innit

Breville Hot Cup
Kettles are fundamentally inefficient pieces of technology: you guess how much water to put in, then you boil all of it without reference to how much you’re actually going to use. Water heaters, while not looking too attractive in the main, work by dispensing the perfect cupful from their tanks. It’s a simple, elegant solution.
Price : £44.95

Take cup, or mug, fill with water from tap. Empty cup, or mug, of water into kettle. Boil kettle. Using same cup, or mug, make your preferred hot drink. Easy to multiply by number of hot drinks required. It's a simple, efficient solution. It could well be elegant too, depending on the design of cup, or mug, you are using.
Price : (you guessed it) Fucking fuck all!

Green fucking gadgets!
What a fucking load of absolute twatting bastard bollocks!

Or .... as 'crosswordkid' more politely stated in the comments of that article :
"Green gadgets". In other words, how can we assuage your misplaced middle-class guilt and at the same time extract as much money as possible from your wallets?

Oh, and these things are a waste of fucking time, money and energy too.

.

44 comments:

microdave said...

<span>"Shower every other day. Uses 50% less energy and you probably won't even notice."</span>

Others might.....


Dell Latitude E6510 - Price : £1959  Anybody who spends 2 grand on a laptop needs their head examined!!  If you need a quad core CPU and lots of RAM buy a desktop. It will have far better cooling, for a start.
"You guess how much water to put in" - Most kettles have a graduated scale on the translucent window, how difficult is it to look at that???

tinks said...

Common sense is not the preserve of the greeniacs. It's marketing by guilt.

Anyway, just check my computer and the hibernate setting wasn't on, so you've not only entertained and stimulated the grey matter, but saved me a few pennies on the electricity bill that is higher than it needs to be because we are paying more to subsidise the wind turbines that are not exactly 'efficient' or reliable.

Private Widdle said...

Fixing the computer because I've just spat coffee all over the fucking bastard keyboard will cost me...how much? Nice one, Gotty. :-D

Demetrius said...

If you stop washing, shaving, showering and bathing altogether it saves water, time and money.  I've tried it and its great.  An added bonus is that people leave me alone.

Andrew Ampers Taylor said...

About ten years ago, when I was sixty and went to the doctor with dry skin, he took tests and told me to shower every other day as all the washing was drying my skin. Younger people reading this should ignore it as this only applies to older people. Younger ones might "pong" :)

As for soaps and things. I haven't washed my hair for over five years (Prince Harry doesn't either) and after a few weeks of greasy hair, my hair was much healthier and the grease disappeared. I asked my doctor about this and he said hair detergents take away the natural oils out of your hair.

I use ordinary soap and not the fancy chemical soaps, and when I shower I only use the soap under my arms, and under my errr... well you know! :) I have been doing this for ten years and nobody has said I 'pong' and in matters like this my wife is my fearcest critic.

All these fancy things are not needed and, funnily enough, since I started this regime I have been a lot healthier. I refuse the flu injections and since then I tend to have one cold every two years and haven't had the flu for ten years.

It is all a gigantic con.

Captain Haddock said...

There's no doubt that this kind of crap will appeal to those lefty-thinking twats who vote Liebore, Limp-Dubm or Green .. the rest of us will view them as the con they are ..

As for "Eco buttons" .. why not simply switch your comuter off whn you're no longer using it .. cost = Nowt ..

(you wouldn't, for example leave the Hoover going when it wasn't required, or the Iron plugged in, getting hotter & hotter) ..

As for "Guilt" .. Guilt is for people who have nothing better to worry about in their sad little lives .. Me ? ... I feel no guilt about anything ... :-D :-D


As for personal hygiene, I firmly stick to the "S" system, as drilled into me years ago .. Shit, Shave, Shower & Shampoo .. with the addition of Shine (for my footwear) ...  ;)

Joe Public said...

Practice & skills with various (male) appendages can also save batteries that the wife's /girlfriend's Rampant Rabbit would otherwise use.

Captain Haddock said...

Oh .. and "Water Pebble" .. sounds more like a feckin' bladder stone to me ...  >:o ;)

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

I used to suffer from dry skin, excema, aching joints, depression, stress....

Then I read an article about omega 3, 6 and 9's and started taking supplements, a tablespoon a day, in desperation and lo and behold, all my health conditions got better.

I'm convinced now that all this health advice they keep giving out is a load of bunkum, if not a consipiracy to make you as unwell as possible...so you can't work...enjoy your retirement....keep you on benefits etc.

If you think about it...

Low fat means as low in good fats as possible. Can't be good for your joints and mental health.  We've always thrived on a diet rich in fish (omega 3).  Leg Iron has posted on this before.  Won't go on about it.

Low salt probably has the same effect.  Anyone I've spoken to who has been on a low salt diet has felt ill on it. 

Meanwhile, all our food is adulterated.  Pork products like ham, for instance, that used to be salted quite naturally, are now full of nitrates/nitrites, which is not the same as salt (sodium chloride).

It's almost as if something sinister is going on....to deprive us of our natural habitat.

Don't get me going on the eco-loons....

Captain Haddock said...

Eco-loons ? .. They all need fucking up the dung-funnel .. with the ungreased, rough end of a Pineapple ... >:o =-O ;) :-D :-D

Holl said...

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner

Not posting the same comment three times in a row would save .54938373747343 of a minute, multiplied by 0.000001928288484 of a pence would result in a saving of £2.0384848 over a period of 25.987654355675848488 years.

Not to be sniffed at, eh?

(Of course if your multiple posts are removed this will make no sense, rather like Mt. Forehead's understanding of years of Anglo-Frog 'co-operation'.)

Oh and fuck all that greenie bollocks. Computer goes on at 9 am goes off at 1 am. I'll save energy when I'm dead. Literally as well as figuratively.

Joe Public said...

Still no cure though, for sixtypoundsaweekcleaner's stutter.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

i didn't cause it...it was thrust upon me.

Captain Haddock said...

Do you get a discount for bulk posting then ? ...  ;)

(only kidding) .. :-D :-D

Captain Haddock said...

I tend to turn mine off if I'm going out for a couple of hours .. (say shopping, or visiting) ..

No great effort involved in turning it back on when I get home .. and I'm far from convinced by the argument made by some, that turning it on & off & back on again uses more energy ..

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

No, honestly.  There is a glitch in my machine.  Some sticking in that their clogs or something worse....

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"Others might .... " - Speak for yourself ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

All part of the service ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Just take it with you next time you shower although I can't be sure it'll work afterwards, it'll be fucking spotless ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

That's dedication! Next step .... always wear the same clothes and you'll save on washing powder too ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Haven't washed my hair for years either .... not since it all fell out ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Never switch mine off ... can't be fucking arsed ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

That's the computer... not the hoover ... 'cos I never use one.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Oi oi, saveloy!

Heads on poles said...

If a meteorite landed on the House of Commons, we'd all be fucking saved.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Thanks for all that Sixty ... in fact I'm so impressed I'm going to delete all your duplicates from now on. Kinda fucks up the comment below but my blog my rules and all that sort of shit ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Pressed home with a piece of 4 x 2 ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Never turn my 3 fuckers off unless there's a power cut ... unfortunately we seem to have plenty of those out here in the sticks, so I guess I save my energy that way ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Cheers HoP, now I know what to ask Santa to give me for Christmas ;)

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

*applause*

microdave said...

"<span>Speak for yourself" - I usually do, no other fucker will do it for me.....
</span>

microdave said...

I only wash the Panda once a year - if I can be arsed.....

It's easier to let the mud dry, and get a stiff broom!

microdave said...

"<span>It's almost as if something sinister is going on" </span>

<span> Of course there is, it's all part of the great plan to reduce world population to "manageable" levels.
</span>

microdave said...

I boot my PC up each morning, and shut it down fully each night. In between I just put it into standby - on my laptop this is easily configured so that just closing the lid and then opening it, does it automatically. Simples.  Plus it saves all the thrashing the hard drive gets each time it boots.

microdave said...

Sounds like you need a UPS - no, not the parcel firm, but an Uninteruptible Power Supply. Avoids the risk of loosing one of your masterpieces just before you hit the "Save" button....

Bring On The Revolution said...

Absolutely spot on Gotty....Brilliant!!! God I hate those Climate Change cunts that try every trick in the book to extort as much money as the possibly can out of your pocket!!! Utter cunts the fucking lot of 'em!!!!

Banned said...

Likewise, I have used nothing more than tapwater to wash my hair in fifteen years and my barber never says anything except to congratulate me on a healthy head of hair for someone in his fifties.

Banned said...

Dunno why the Telegraph bothers with this sort of shite, if you want to be a lefty apologising guilt mong stuffing your house with eco friendly crap to impress your peers why not just read the fucking Guardian?

What's happening with the X-Labour dirty old Brown crap about Smart Meters', intrusive fucking nonsense designed to "help us see how much electricity we are using at any given time" when really it is just more government snooping. If they were so bothered all they need do is look at my electricity bill, which, obviously, they do already, snoopy cunts.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

What a marvelous idea MD, I'm going to look into that. Thanks for the tip. Majority of the cuts are only for a minute or two ... like the cunts are switching grid or something and don't give a fuck about us. Drive's me nuts (of course) having to reboot everything again.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

A lot of the blame has to go to the gullible greenie mongs who allow themselves to be so easily fooled.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

I was kind of surprised at the Telegraph too, which is why I decided to post on it. If it had been the Guardian I wouldn't have bothered ... you expect it from those lefty twats. Yes .... smartmeters ... perhaps we should look into that?

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Nothing at all about how much CO2 or whatever, it takes to make and ship this shit. What a fucking surprise eh. No, hadn't thought about going on the Gadget Show but I have thought about having a go on ......

Captain Haddock said...

I assume we're talking a length of timber here ?

As opposed to a bit of the flannelette used for pulling through rifles ? ... ;)

Or even a member of the "snickled" persuasion ... =-O :-D

microdave said...

Suzi Perry????  I wouldn't mind creating a bit of CO2 with her....