Revised Emergency Statement From The Irish Prime Minister

This revised Emergency Statement, from the office of Taoiseach Brian Cowan, supercedes all other previous statements appertaining to 'The Bailout of Ireland' and related matters.

Issued  23rd November 2010 at 08.30hrs +1

"I am making an official 'Euro wide' appeal for everyone to donate as many seed potatoes as you possibly can, so I do. Check behind your sofas, under your beds, at the back of your cupboards and inside your sheds. We're feckin' desperate, so we are.

Bejesus! It's an emergency! Ireland is totally broke, so it is. We need to go back to our roots and grow as many feckin' potatoes as we can, then sell them all back to the plantation owners, so that we can clear our debt (again), so we can.

Please email your seed potato pledges to me, directly, at:

briancowanisthebastardlovechildofgordonbrownandfrankcarson@vanrompuy.eu
and I'll get back to you asap, so I will. Might be a few minutes though ... I'm just trotting off to the bog .... must be something I swallowed"

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Tesco Twat Of The Week

We can only admire the resourcefulness and determination of Tesco who managed to build a brand new store from scratch, and have it open for business, in just 13 days. Ok, so it wasn't all about helping those poor Cumbrians, Tesco did stand to lose a shit load of cash ... fair fucking play though, all the same:

Hmmm ... but I still can't help but wonder where the fuck they find some of their staff from though. Most of us have been subjected to the twattishness of a Tesco Twatco twat from time to time, haven't we?

Killemallletgodsortemout recently dropped me a line to pass on a 'jobsworth experience' that his lad had the other day in Tesco. He'd just used a self-service checkout to scan two packets of paracetemol ...

Fat slut-bitch waddles over and says:

"You're only allowed two packets of paracetemol."

Killemall Jnr says:

"I've only got two packets."

FSB:

"Yes, but just so you know, you're only allowed two packets."

Killemall Jnr:

"You've just wasted your breath in saying that, haven't you?

I'VE ONLY GOT TWO PACKETS.

Anyway, what are you, the paracetemol police?"

FSB:

"There's no need for that."

Killemall Jnr:

"There's every need for that.

Keep your interfering, jobsworth beak out of my life."

FSB:

"I'll call the manager."

Killemall Jnr:

"Call who you like. You'll be calling them for absolutely no good reason, won't you, and I'll take great pleasure in letting them know how you harassed me for no good reason. In fact, I think I might sue the company. In fact, come to think of it, calling the manager might be a good idea and I might end up with free groceries for a year or two, all thanks to you interfering unnecessarily in matters that are of no concern to you whatsoever ... and harassing shoppers as they go about their lawful activity of spending money in the store for which they are responsible, the customers of which pay your wages."

No manager, no free groceries ...

but his lad now DETESTS the legacy of New Labour as much as he does.

..

What's Nick Clegg Looking at ....

.... or is that primary school kid trying to teach him something?

Labour Leadership Contest ++Updated++

 

Ed Miliband Forest Gump is the
new leader of the Labour Party.

What a total inbred fuckwit.

That'll be Labour consigned to political oblivion

for another 10 fucking years then.

Good. The twatting cunts.

++ UPDATE++

iDave's official response (ahem) to the

new liebore leader is available HERE

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 10]

Well I saw some comical 'news' today that brightened up my week no end. Apparently, via Gary Gibbon, Gordon Brown is all set to be the 'warm up man' on the saturday prior to the forthcoming Labour Conference. He feels it would be right to say a few words before handing over the torch to the new Labour leader. Torch? Fuck me! Considering the forgone conclusion that is the Labour leadership election, I think Billy has a much better idea.

Either way, I shall certainly be setting my hard drive to record during that event as, apart from typically  excessive uses of the word 'global' (place your bets on how many), it will almost certainly prove to be a comedy goldmine.

I also heard a rumour, via the ever satirical Lakelander, that the swivel eyed McSnotty may well be busy on another 'saturday project' very soon. In conjunction with the BBC (Brown's Broadcasting Channel) he plans to launch 'Mincing With The Stars', where various sporting has-beens, soap-opera performers that nobody has fucking heard of and clapped-out politicians that no longer have troughing rights, will all be taught the dubious skills of the mince by a suitably renamed Gordon Du Brown.

That 'news' instantly reminded me of a video I did just over a year ago and seeing as it's Friday, thank fuck, I thought I'd give it another airing ......

Can You Guess Who It Is Yet?

He called a black woman a liar for talking about racism and then proceeded to ban all women from commenting on his blog .... on the grounds 'they were thick'. When challenged about it he replied, "Everyone who knows me knows that I am not sexist. I've lived with my wife and daughter for years"

He is a Scottish Labour Party councillor. Therefore he earns (?) thousands of pounds a year from taxpayers. No doubt some of that income, either directly or indirectly, will have been used to fund the blog that he uses to treat those self same taxpayers with distain.

He believes Castro is a hero, and hopes he lives forever and also thinks that Cuba is a model for the Western world to follow.

He decries capitalism but isn't averse to earning regular income from the adverts that he has placed on his blog. He has refused to remove them.

He is a confirmed associate of fellow communist, failed wrestler, government funded internet snooper and left wing lickspittle, Andrew Gatward (aka Doubting Richard).

He has attacked a fellow blogger who dared to stand up and tell everyone the truth. His only defence appears to be that we are all mentally deranged and hiding behind anonymity. He fails to grasp the point that HE is the one that is in public office, not us. Therefore he is accountable.

A couple of years ago a few Scottish bloggers tried to expose him but he posted their personal details online, threatened them and then broke a few front windows.

He is a hypocrite. He whinges about anonymous commentors on his blog and how shallow they are for not revealing their true identity to him. However, he doesn't seem to mind his daughter posing anonymously on other blogs in his defence. He thinks we don't know about that but we do.

His daughter writes a lot of his blog posts and answers many of the comments there, in his name. He also thinks we don't know about that but we do.

He doesn't keep very good company either. Two of his closest associates, and fellow Labour councillors, have both been charged with major fraud against the taxpayer. Any sane person would have disowned them by now .... surely.

Even Harry's Place, for fuck's sake, gives the impression that the man who 'says' he was Wendy Alexander's agent at the last two elections, is some kind of deluded dick-for-brains.

So, to summarise, I think he's a hypocritical, debauched, mentally deranged, commie cunt and his daughter, Rayleen, who also appears to be in it up to her five chins, is a rather large chip off the old block.

Therefore I confirm Cuntcillor Terry Kelly

as the first entrant to my Blogroll of Fuckwit Bloggers.

Incidentally, he is more than welcome to come here and to defend himself where he will find all comments are free and unmoderated .... as always.

Unlike his own blog, of course.

Oh, and before everyone else has their say, how about a quick game of 'Marry, Snog, Avoid'? You know how it works I'm sure. No cheating now .......

Who Lives In A House Like This?

Let me give you a few clues.

He is forever ranting on the internet about people who receive benefits - despite the fact that his family are in receipt of Incapacity Benefit, Disability Living Allowance, Housing Benefit, Council Tax Benefit and Child Tax Credit.

His disability is the result of years of steroid abuse.

He's U.A.F., New Labour, a Tory, an English Democrat, a blogger, an ex BNP activist and, just for good measure, this grown man poses as a fifteen year old on a teenage chat forum.

If you think that lot is unbelievable . . . . . how about the fact that he's been a British patriot, then a Communist, then a Muslim and now he's a Jew.

Have you got it yet?

Confused Dot Com has got nothing on this fucking nutter.

Thursday Election Fever Part 2

from the Metro via Ampers

With the election on May 6th, already looming large, we could all do with some sort of form guide so that we know which fuckwit lame donkey to put our cash on. As luck would have it, I have discovered an excellent guide to the runners and riders in the 2010 General Election Stakes.

Via Dioclese:

Tory Tiger ridden by Dave Cameron sired by "Soapbox" out of "Maggie May" :
From a long line of thoroughbreds and owned by the Eton stables. Came second in it's last three outings but with a new jockey aboard, it's well fancied this time around. Could be a close run thing - watch for a strong finish


Oh My Gawd ridden by Gordon Brown sired by "Tony the Tory" out of "Boom or Bust" :
A well known horse but an untested rider. Owned by a consortium of Trades Unions. Gordon Brown has been around a while. He was a stable lad for "Tony the Tory" but is now getting a ride in his own right for the first time. Was well fancied but recent form has lengthened the odds considerably. Could be tight thing between him and Dave Cameron, although Dave is carrying a lot less weight


Yellow Bird ridden by Nick Clegg sired by "Diddy David" out of "SDP" :
Bit of an outsider this one but could be good for an each way bet. Should finish in the top three. This horse has has lots of different jockies in it's recent outings, but now has a regular rider in Nick Clegg. Form at this outing could decide whether he gets a ride next time.

Read the rest of his comprehensive form guide here

I'm off to the bookies to put my wad onto One Trick Pony ;-)

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Thursday Election Fever Part 1

image via Microdave

Poor Gordon.

Perhaps I've misjudged him.

In fact, strictly speaking, I am still a floating voter so if he actually carries out this list of pre-election requests, I promise to vote for him.

Can't say fairer than that, eh.

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Baby P Doctor Misses GMC Hearing

The cunt bubble of a consultant paediatrician who failed to spot that baby Peter Connelly's spine was fractured in two places, has failed to turn up for a hearing into her conduct, at the General Medical Council. Apparently Dr Sabah al-Zayyat has been so deeply affected (so she says), by contributing to the death of Peter Connelly, that she is too mentally ill to defend herself or instruct her solicitors.

How my heart fucking bleeds for the pathetic twatting excuse for a human being. Oh, and incidentally, it appears that the useless bitch isn't too ill to fucking well flee the UK.

That news prompted Ampers to drop me a line with this solution . . . 

If an immigrant commits a crime we should do the following:

1. Make any sentence a minimum of three years no matter how slight the crime for all not born in Britain.
2. If they flee the country, that is a further crime and they get an immediate 10 years sentence on their return to Britain, even if they're found to be innocent of the original crime.
3. They are given immediate bail.
4. They get to keep their passport but are told they must surrender it within two weeks.
5. We have a policy of not seeking the return of any criminals who flee the country in this case.

What do you think?

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Latest Music Download Releases

D.

Please note: This artist is NOT genius compatible

Now that's

Nauseating News +++Updated+++

The Nobel Piss Prize for humongous hypocrisy and blatant barrel scraping must surely go to this electioneering fuckwit. Watching this clip was enough to make me puke my ring . . .

I mean, how fucking low can you go?

More here, if you can bastard well stomach it.

+++UPDATE+++

Fuck me! Even David Cameron is at it now.

Latest Haynes Manual +++Updated+++

The David Cameron Workshop Manual is the first in a new political range to be published by Haynes this week. The Gordon Brown and Man Made Global Warming manuals are in the final stages of production and will be available to view on this blog within the next 24 hours.

+++UPDATE+++

The many dangers of working with the Prime Mentalist are all covered in this newly updated Haynes Workshop Manual . . .

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Prime Minister To Be Outsourced

Following hot on the heels of the recent news about Obama it appears, as with almost all trends, that the UK is about to follow suit. This report from the Times Online website. . .

click image to enlarge

Special thanks to MicroDave
for the excellent copywriting ;-)

Gordon Brown Totally Bonkers

The Prime Mentalist Minister is completely Bonkers.

Nothing we didn't already know but it's fucking brilliant

to finally see it in black and white though ;-)

.

Gordon Brown Denies Failing Eyesight . . .

. . . after he mistakingly tries to shake hands with a Merlin Helicopter,
instead of President Karzai, on his arrival in Afghanistan.

Edukayshun, Educaishen, Eddyoukayshin

I'm sick and fucking tired of the fuckwits who are supposed to be running this Country and their apparent inability to grasp the basics of reading, riting and rithmatics. Not to mention their ever increasingly pathetic attempts at using the internet to try and 'educate us'.

So, I came up with this idea, set at a basic enough level that even those child minded fuckwits might begin to understand.

It may be a regular series, who knows, but one thing is for sure . . . .
it's more fucking fun learning with Gotty!