Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Tony Fucking Blair Gordon Fucking Brown Fucking Love In

The warmongering, champagne swilling, pathological liar great messiah returned to the political stage today in support of the man who has lied, cheated, bullied, bummed and embezzled saved the world.

Tony Blair hails Brown's boldness

*leaves room to staunch niagara nosebleed*



Incidentally, I do hope that Eric Morley, David Chaytor and Jim Devine enjoy their Theft and Embezzlement junket......
down at Southwark Crown Court today.

Robdogging bastards!

Sunday, 28 March 2010

Vote For Old Holborn

Just when I thought that I was sick and fucking tired of the 'Downfall' video format, somebody has come along and scripted one of the best versions I have ever seen.

OK, OK, so I get a mention along with a host of other bloggers but even so, it really is rather excellent. Tip of the twat to Cold Steel Rain ;-)


Anyone But Gordon +++Updated+++

A new series of Tory Posters have just been launched, targeting the many shortfalls of Gordon Brown. Here is one of the originals ......

There are seven in total and these are the other 6 messages:
• I let 80,000 criminals out early
• I took billions from pensions
• I doubled the tax rate for the poor
• I lost £6 billion selling off Britain's gold
• I caused record youth unemployment
• I increased the gap between rich and poor

Good points indeed but the unelected, mono eyed, snot gobbling, bully boy has made so many fuck ups over the last few years that I'm sure we can add a few more suggestions of our own.

Here's one from me for starters ......

I'll be adding more (probably sweary ones) but in the meantime why not have a go yourself. Either leave your suggestions in the comments or feel free to make use of this blank poster........

click image to enlarge and download

Go on, fill your boots.
You know you want to ;-)

Incidentally, the idea for these new Tory posters isn't a million miles away from my earlier Be Stupid Campaign.
Just saying ;-)


I have now set up a dedicated page
where you can view all the alternative posters.

Keep checking
 The 'Anyone But Gordon' Poster Page
for all the latest additions ;-)

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Labour Party Pledge Card

As many have already noted, the Labour Party have just launched another list of promises to break their 5 point 'pledge card' for the forthcoming election. What a load of fucking bollocks. Who the fuck, in their right mind, is going to be taken in by all that shit.

My version is much more believable ......

The original?
That's here but I wouldn't even bother clicking the link.

Click here instead where you'll find 5 pledges
which are much nearer the fucking mark.


Friday Night Nosebleed News ++Updated++

As this blog has got more and more popular (for which I thank you all) my inbox receives many items of interest sent in by fellow bloggers and regular commentors. Problem is that being a GrumpyOldTwat means a lot of them tend to boil my piss or give me nosebleed (please keep then coming because I'm never happier than when I'm having a fucking good moan). So here we go with a recent selection of news that's had me reaching for the snot rag or a packet of frozen peas....

Fuck Off. Literally.
Ampers tells me that pharmacists can now refuse to prescribe contraceptives if it clashes with their religious beliefs. WTF! Not much fucking good if you're desperate for a morning after pill is it,only be told to come back tomorrow. Do they even do a morning after the morning after pill?

You couldn't make it up
The Vienna Boys Choir are the latest group of young boys to be arse raped by the clergy, according to Joe Public. Now as if that wasn't bad enough you'd have thought that the Times would have shown a little discretion when it came to the name on the journalist's byline?

Word Quiz
How do you get from the words Yorkshire to cunt in four easy steps? Well I asked myself this question after a few people queried a recent comment made on a post at 'my other place'. Suffice to say, the answer is this:
Yorkshire - Yorkshire Pudding - Batter - Fanny Batter - Cunt.

It appears that a Socialist fuckwit from 'upt narth' disagrees with me and has now retaliated by calling us all Nachtkrabbler . Ooh, scarey stuff indeed ;-)

Finally, someone dropped me a line (sorry, can't remember who) to draw my attention to a right pair of tossers that appear to be in such a wanking frenzy over this, this and this, that they'll surely go fucking blind before the week is out.



Friday, 26 March 2010

The UK News Network

A brand new and independent news gathering service has just been launched to support the UK blogosphere. A group of fellow bloggers have got together to provide a valuable resource, keeping you bang up to date with what's REALLY going on out there.

It's well worth adding to your blogroll ;-)


Thursday, 25 March 2010

England Won't Win The World Cup

24th March 2010, Downing Street
The Prime Minister signs a giant England shirt that is travelling around the country before it is sent to the World Cup in South Africa this summer.

That's it then.

We're fucked!


Wednesday, 24 March 2010

The Budget Song

It's amazing how you can still try to be smart,
Thanks to you our economy's fallen apart,
This Budget Day you have done it again,
Talked a lot but you don't say a thing,

You're all a disgrace, and you've mortgaged the country,
All your figures are lies, and you've wasted our money,
In thirteen long years you've delivered precisely sod-all,
We've masses of debt,
and you've done nothing at all.

Courtesy of Dungeekin
who has the rest of the revised lyrics here ;-)

Many thanks to all those that took part in the Budget Live Blog. Hope you all enjoyed it and any feedback you have would be welcome in the comments here ;-)

Budget 2010 ++Live Chat++

Darling's Vote Winning Budget ++Updated++

Yeah right.
More like Bully Boy Brown's desperate attempt to try and buy a few more votes without giving a flying fuck for the long term future of this Country.

The only good thing about today?
It REALLY is Darling's last budget.

So, good fucking riddance, you bushy eye browed, fiscal fucking bastard. You shot in the dark, clutching at straws, Chancer of the BouncedChequer from the Twattery. You baffoon of an unelected Gordoom Brownfinger's mouthpiece.

Fuck off and fill the expense fiddling, sleaze ridden black hole of a fucked-in-the-arse British economy, from the tax-payer-cash laden bank accounts that all you fucking arsewipes at NuLabore have got.

And keep your fucking tax hungry mitts off the red wine. . . .

Don't forget to come and have your say.....
Live chat during the Budget,
here at 12.15pm

Following a request from Uncle Marvo, in the comments,
Lorenzo has been busy with the photoshop ;-)

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Quote of the Week So Far

"..... I am sick of being personally smeared by these completely amoral libertarians, and astonished that their groundless claims on McBride are repeated by people on such an unprincipled basis"

Tom Miller, Labour Parliamentary Candidate for Woking

Ahhh, bless ;-)

The Budget 2010 Live Blog

On Wednesday afternoon at 12:30pm here on GrumpyOldTwat we will be live blogging the last Budget before the General Election. The Budget will be carried on all major UK television channels except for BBC1 which will be showing Bargain Hunt (I shit you not!).

Pound to a pinch of snot that the Chancellor’s speech will be a blatant attempt to gain more of those brain dead Labour voters, so we can expect plenty of unaffordable bollocks, deferred until after the Election, in the hope that the Conservatives are left well and truly in the shite.

So why not come and join in the Budget Live Blog which, apart from the opportunity to have your say, promises to be great fun as 10, yes 10 blogs will all be hosting it simultaneously.

This 'chat' collaboration will be between A Tangled Web, All Seeing Eye, Barking Spider, Biased-BBC, Corrugated Soundbite, Dick Puddlecote, Governmentitus, GrumpyOldTwat, Man Widdecombe, and Subrosa - all excellent and highly recommended blogs. If you haven't been to some of them before then please take this chance to try them out.

To catch the live blogging, come back here on Wednesday, March 24th just after noon.


WebCameron Shock Horror Probe

 Exclusive photo of Sam Cam conception,
via WebCumeron

Tip of the pelvis to Man Widdecombe


Monday, 22 March 2010

Fucking Excellent Idea


Fire Byers

The news that Stephen Byers MP is willing to offer himself for hire "like a taxi cab", at up to £5,000 a day, is fucking outrageous. Byers is a Privy Councillor entitled to call himself "The Right Honourable Stephen Byers MP". That is now entirely inappropriate, so please support a petition to have him stripped of the honour.

Let's fire Byers!

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Good News and Bad News

Weyman Bennett, hypocrite-in chief of the Labour Government funded UAF, was arrested along with 54 of his fellow fascist 'anti-fascist' fucktards during clashes with the EDL in Bolton yesterday. Rather predictably though, the BBC Labour propaganda machine was in full swing. One other thing, why is David Cameron still listed as a supporter of the UAF? Is he proud of their thuggery and bully boy tactics? Just wondered.

Byers, Hewitt, Hoon and Moran have been exposed, by a Channel 4 documentary team, for the corrupt and self serving scumbags that we all thought they were but, of course, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Here is an artists impression of what the The House of Conmans might look like after all the thieving, corrupt, cash trousering MP's have been removed......

Finally, UKWebSpider has got his arse in his hands and is disgusted with the Libertarian blogosphere ..... and maybe he has a point.
Check it out ;-)


Saturday, 20 March 2010

Guess The Trophy Competition

Fuck knows what they've done to win all those trophies!

Does it really matter?

Who the fuck cares?

Still..... it's rather intriguing though, all the same.

Any ideas ;-)

Click the picture to (ahem) enlarge

Oh, and in case you wondered, no it wasn't me who's been trawling the interwebs discovering such photographic delights dilemmas. I'd really love to tell you who DID discover it ....... but Microdave asked me not to say anything ;-)

Gordon Brown's Facebook

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I see that Gordon Brown is all set to launch a Government Facebook-style interactive service on Monday. So what the fuck do you suppose this new social website 'socialist webshite' should be nick named then?

I just can't seem to make my twatting mind up......

I dare say that the twatting twatter tsar will be twatting sycophantic tweets about it at some point or other but, in the meantime, TheEye has all the sordid details of Gordon's latest drug induced scheme to pry on our every move.

I'm off to sit in a dark corner where I can bang my head up the wall whilst sucking my thumb and cuddling my teddy bear.....
until the bar opens at six ;-)


British Airways Blocked

BA on strike?
So fucking what, get used to it.
If 30% or so of the electorate continue to act like complete fuckwits and insist on voting for another five years of Gordon Brown, there'll be plenty more strikes to come. The nappy wearing, mucus munching, prostate fingering, pill popping, prime mentalist won't be happy until he has completely starved this country of the very 'air' that it needs to breathe.

Friday, 19 March 2010

Oh Lord Ashcroft

Yet another Beau Bo D'Or masterpiece, which was spotted on a LabourList post where, incidentally, the comments make quite interesting reading too ;-)


Thursday, 18 March 2010

Shit Caption Competition


Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Mann Overboard

Fuck me!
We finally have an MP who is prepared to step up to the plate and insist that the blogosphere should tell the truth.... or he'll take us to court if we don't.

All hail John Mann.....

click to enlarge

Incidentally, a man in a stringed vest has a photoshopped version of the above letter, if you are at all interested ;-)


Tiger Woods Says

Nice to see that he's all set for his cumback 

I do hope he remembers to pack his ball cleaner ;-)


Diane Abbott Fail

It never ceases to amaze me how some of these 'official Labour publicity photos' manage to slip through the 'press officer' net. I'm glad they do though ;-)

Take this latest example from Diane Abbott's own website ....
says it all really.....

Feel free to add your own suitable caption in the comments.

Meanwhile my thanks to Woman On A Raft for sending this one in and while we are on the subject of that money wasting cash cow, the London 2012 Olympics, I recommend a visit to an excellent new site.... Unofficial Olympics ..... it has all you need to know about what's wrong with London 2012 ;-)


Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Harriet Harman Wouldn't Like It


Can't see a problem with the job title Chief Bikini Inspector, myself.

Oh, and put me down for Fantasy Friday.

Slurp ;-)

Hey! Liam! Leave Them Kids Alone.

Parents of secondary school pupils could be sent official warning letters if their child is found to be unfit on the basis of exercise tests.
Sir Liam Donaldson, the Chief Medical Officer, has recommended that all children should undergo a “beep test”, a series of timed shuttle runs which can be used to measure stamina and fitness.

Longrider deals with the fat fucker here.

Thank fuck the interfering cunt is leaving us in May.

Lawson Narse
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On And On And On And On

I will go on and on and on and on and on . . .

Two choices.

1. We do nothing and hope that he's being true to form and lying through his veneered-at-the-tax-payers'-expense teeth, again.

2. Vote for anyone but Labour at the General Election on May 6th.

Let's not take any chances though, eh.


Monday, 15 March 2010

Kettle Pot Black

Gordon 'bully boy' Brown has unleashed yet another one of his 4-letter tirades. This time it was aimed at Baroness Ashton during a telephone conversation in which he accused her of (wait for it) 'letting the UK down'.

Fuck me! Why don't you take a mono eyed squint at yourself Gordon, you unelected, cash trousering, smacked-in-the-face-with-a-big-fuck-off-ugly-stick, prancing around the world stage at every given opportunity, fuckwit.

What's the matter then Gordon?
Lord Fondlebum of Felchboys refusing to play 'Keep the Red Rag Flying' on your pink oboe because you didn't give the EU job to him?

Lovers' tiff?
Ahhh, diddums

Incidentally, all 3 of the fuckers may look like a cunt but they wouldn't have a fucking clue how to use one ;-)


Sunday, 14 March 2010

Baroness Uddin Is A Thief

Don't just take my word for it,
Wikipedia says she is so it must be true then . . .

click to enlarge

Hmmm, I wonder how long that will stay up for.

Hat tip to Sue@Muffled Vociferation for spotting it
and to whoever edited the page in the first place ;-)


Saturday, 13 March 2010

McCanns On The Run

The couple wore matching white T-shirts
bearing a smiling picture of their daughter and the words
"Don't give up on me".

Yeah, right!

In the meantime here is the video that
Kate and Gerry McCann don't want you to see....


Fuck Off Obo

I won't fucking marry you!

Even though our respective and indisputably glorious days of birth are very adjacent...... and we share the same birth sign...... and we have the same penchant for cuntishness with cuntitude.

But have a happy birthday anyway, you cunt ;-)


The Dead Pool

In our never ending quest to cause maximum offence
we've started up a Dead Pool, over on ISAC.

Click here for the rules and to make your nomination
for which cunt you think will soon be on their way out.

Go on, you know you want to ;-)


Friday, 12 March 2010

Porn Gets My Vote

On the same day that Nick Smeg launched the Liberal Democrat election slogan, "Change that works for you. Building a fairer Britain.", it was also announced that Anna Arrowsmith, a porn film director, is to stand (ahem) for erection election as a member (ahem) of parliament.

Yes, that right.
She's the Liberal Demo-Twat candidate for Gravesham, Kunt Kent.

I thank you ;-)

Female Hormones In Beer

Microdave brings us some more snippets of 'news' that have caught his eye and amused him, while he's been trawling around the interwebs . . . 

Science Break-through.
You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer in a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Next..... the proposed compulsory licensing of dogs may be a good idea, after all. (shame about the spelling though)

 click image to enlarge

Only in America.......

The best lawyer story of the year

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires..' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

And lastly a serious story with an amusing twist:

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Nick Hogan Back Behind Bars ++Updated++

What absolutely fantastic news!!

Nick Hogan has now been released from
Forest Bank Prison, Pendlebury.

Nick Hogan smiles as he leaves prison with wife Denise
after being released 11 days into a six-month sentence

Daily Mail article

BBC article


National No Smoking Day

Whoopee fucking Do!
It's Wednesday 10th March ...... National No Smoking Day.

Fuck the fuck off!

I've got a much better idea.
Let's light up an extra fucker for Nick Hogan!