Tuesday 3 August 2010

The InFamous Five


A Summary Of The Main Characters
Andy : Andy is the youngest of the five, 3rd cousin once removed to Ed and his older brother Davey. Tall, thin and cheeky as well flouncy and immature, sometimes a bit effeminate. He is the weaker of the group and very protective and possessive of his eye liner collection. At the start of the series, Andy is 12 years old; the final book does not state how much the children have aged, but if you count the years in which the series run, then he will be 16 and three quarters. He showed his adolescence in Five Go Squabbling On The Hustings

Blinky (Ballsy or Ed): Blinky has a sick sense of humour, but is also untrustworthy and bossy in nature. He is three years older than Andy and one year younger than Davey. Blinky is very caring of no-one but himself and does his best to bully any fucker that gets in his way. He also has good truth gymnastic abilities which he has used in numerous dilemmas. He had a non-heroic role in Five On A Treasurey Island.

Davey : Davey is the eldest boy in the group, and generally shows an air of aloofness during the Five's various adventures with foreign types. He is more likely than the others to become Bliar like and famously dislikes the childish adventures that the Five constantly encounter. He is 16 years old in the first book of the series and 20 and a half in the last. He is known to be very forgetful sometimes and often walks around clutching a banana. In Five Have A Fuck Up To Solve, he acted as a brave and responsible person but let the others sort it out and took the credit. A known claustrophobic since he is frightened of being in encroached spaces with his own ego.

Ed (Eddie or Minor): Ed, sometimes called Minor, is Davey's younger brother. Ed is the archetypal wanker of a kid brother, very insignificant, undecided and sycophantic to the Five and to Davey in particular. He provides semi-intellectual deflection for the other children on multiple occasions. Ed's mummy adores him and thinks that he is the best little boy in the world. In the first book of the series, Five Go Off To Camp, Ed and Davey's parents have forbidden them to wear a traditional Polish dress. After the end of the Five's first adventure, their parents relent and also let them change their birth names.

Diane (Flabby) : Diane is single minded and insists that she is always right, despite her duplicity. With her big mouth and portly figure she is often mistaken for the World Junk Food Eating Champion, which displeases her enormously. Like her father, George Galloway, she has a fiery temper. She is fierce, headstrong and very abusive when cornered. She is sometimes extremely unmanageable and causes trouble during the Five's adventures. She is the oldest of the Five and in Five Have Plenty of Fun, she left the Blue Lagoon Club at 9.30pm, leaving the others to dance the night away. She said she was tired and wanted to go home to bed and flick her bean, whilst she still had a little energy left.

Aunt Harriet : Harriet is foster person to Andy, Blinky, Davey, Ed and Diane. Called Aunty Hatty by the InFamous Five (and 'devil's dyke' behind her back) she is married to Uncle Fagan, an equally nasty omnipotent piece of work. Through most of her Blighton stories, she is the principal maternal figure in the lives of the five children and treats them all equally. Although, during Five Go To Twat Cove, she did seem to have a soft spot for Diane. The four boys came home early one afternoon, after riding their bikes, and caught them munching the rug together in the front parlour. Nothing was said.

Uncle Gordon (McSnotty) : Uncle Gordon's private life, a rather sordid affair by all accounts, is kidnapped or held hostage in several of the children's adventures. He possesses a quick temper and has little tolerance for children on school holidays, but is nevertheless just as heartless as he may at first seem. In the third book of the series (Five Climb The Greasy Pole) it is established that Gordon is the one-third brother of Davey and Ed's father's 2nd cousin. This followed a rather unfortunate accident with an adult nappy and a miniature rocking horse, which had been discovered in Blinky's back passage. The rest of the Five carried on drinking ginger beer and eating chocolate fingers, turning a blind eye to Gordon's fondness for kiddy fiddling. As always.


Note:
I can't seem to remember any of the other titles in the 'Five' series. Can you?




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49 comments:

The Grim Reaper said...

GOT said: "In the third book of the series (Five Climb The Greasy Pole) it is established that Gordon is the one-third brother of Davey and Ed's father's 2nd cousin. This followed a rather unfortunate accident with an adult nappy and a miniature rocking horse, which had been discovered in Blinky's back passage."

This had me almost falling out of my chair. Hilarious.

Captain Haddock said...

Ask yourself the following question ..

If you were a parent, or grandparent, would you feel totally confident in leaving your child/grandchild alone with any of the aforementioned people ? ...

NO ???


I rest my case ...

Oldrightie said...

Classic, Gotty, that's what it is. Might I adopt/adapt for that Potter crap?

Gildas said...

That's a master piece - fantastic :-D :-D =-O :)
I just wish I could have come up with it! >:o

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"almost"?
Bugger! I'll have to try harder next time ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Unless your name was Ian Huntley or Raoul Moat perhaps.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Feel free OR. I look forward to reading your adaptation of  'Potty Hatty and The Gobbling Of Five' ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Thank you. High praise indeed :-[
.... and MY thanks go, of course, to Enid Blyton and the Five Labour Party Fuckwits .... for all the inspiration.

Billy Blofeld said...

The original working title for "Five Go Off To Camp" was "Five Go Off To Camp It Up".

The title was cut short, as were the scenes involving Peter Mandelson, Ron Davies and Ben Bradshaw all wearing "I Love Lashings Off Ginger Beers" at the Kirrin Bay Pride Festival.

Billy Blofeld said...

wearing T-Shirts - that was meant to say.....

The Grim Reaper said...

You did good, Gotty. It's not easy to make me laugh, but you manage it daily...

The Grim Reaper said...

Or Josef Fritzl...

The Grim Reaper said...

Snot-Gobbling in the case of one of them... ;)

AnthonyS said...

Hope you don't mind, G.O.T., thought I'd make a slight 'modification' to your hard work. As Kenny Everett would have said 'It's all in the best possible taste'... not that I would even dream of going near Diane's huge vortex of a craic.  8-)

Billy Blofeld said...

5 Go Crabbing In Sally Bercow's Gusset 

Dioclese said...

Is this the much promissed sequel to "Four Twats and a Blackbird" ??

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Thanks :-[

GrumpyOldTwat said...

<span>"I Love Lashings Off Ginger Beers" T-shirts at the Kirrin Bay Pride Festival.</span>
Can we change 'beers' for 'queers' ...... then it would be perfect ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

A most excellent addition to the series!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Errr ....... mind bleach alert!

Billy Blofeld said...

Ha! Ha! Ha!  V.good.

This game is great fun...................

 - Five Go Fisting In Foy

Enid Righton said...

I take Abbot is the fucking dog.

Billy Blofeld said...

That would indeed improve it immeasurably.....

Dioclese said...

Since you asked - and I am a sad twat - the 21 books are  :

<span>Five on a Treasure Island</span> (1942)
<span>Five Go Adventuring Again</span> (1943)
<span>Five Run Away Together</span> (1944)
<span>Five Go to Smuggler's Top</span> (1945)
<span>Five Go Off in a Caravan</span> (1946)
<span>Five on Kirrin Island Again</span> (1947)
<span>Five Go Off to Camp</span> (1948)
<span>Five Get Into Trouble</span> (1949)
<span>Five Fall Into Adventure</span> (1950)
<span>Five on a Hike Together</span> (1951)
<span>Five Have a Wonderful Time</span> (1952)
<span>Five Go Down To The Sea</span> (1953)
<span>Five Go To Mystery Moor</span> (1954)
<span>Five Have Plenty Of Fun</span> (1955)
<span>Five on a Secret Trail</span> (1956)
<span>Five Go to Billycock Hill</span> (1957)
<span>Five Get Into a Fix</span> (1958)
<span>Five on Finniston Farm</span> (1959)
<span>Five Go to Demon's Rocks</span> (1960)
<span>Five Have a Mystery To Solve</span> (1961)
<span>Five Are Together Again</span> (1962)

So there should be a few more posts there yet then. eh?
1957's Five go to Bollocks Hill might be a good one...
Five get into trouble has to be a winner

Captain Haddock said...

Can't say I blame you Anthony ..

I'll bet its like a Hippo's yawn .... :-$ :-$ :-$

Captain Haddock said...

But only caught a wizened little Shrimp ....

Captain Haddock said...

Five try to follow the "Bogey" man ....

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Diane Abbott is a rough old bitch so I guess that makes her a fucking dog alright

GrumpyOldTwat said...

NIce one, that should give us some more material to work with then ;)

Caratacus said...

Now now Anthony, just chuck a handful of gravel up for a bit of grip...

GrumpyOldTwat said...

And don't forget to tie a plank across your asre, to stop you falling in!

Joe Public said...

Methinks you boost their egos somewhat.

"The Nearly Famous Five" is possibly more accurate.

Joe Public said...

"Five go Arse-Licking & other stories"

I believe one of the other stories is:-

"Five have a Bukkake Party"

Caratacus said...

Five Bend Over And Wait For Mandelbum.

Heads on poles said...

An as yet un-released book:

Four play soggy biscuit and one eats it (2010)

You've excelled yourself again G.O.T. - well done Sir!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Excellent stuff! all cunts - the perfect tag.

Five Go Fisting - the stuff of mind bleach.

Captain Haddock said...

And for fuck's sake .. don't yodel .. the echoes will deafen you ...

AnthonyS said...

So let's just say (hypothetically) I'm dangling by a plank attached to my ass looking directly at Diane's craic full of gravel...

... what do I about the stench?

Should I pre-order a Hazmat suit before I fall in?:

Gildas said...

Five enjoy water sports and rimming
Ugh :'(

Indyanhat said...

FFS either I stop reading your stuff or invest in Tena pads for heavy drinkers afflicted by laughter!!
Brilliant, thanks!!!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Fuck me yeah. Don't go there without one!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

<span>"Five have a Bukkake Party"</span>
<span>Should be a breeze for those four wankers and the ho!
</span>

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Cheers HoP :-[

GrumpyOldTwat said...

<span>"</span><span>Five enjoy water sports and rimming"</span>
 Pass the fucking mind bleach (again)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Aaaarrrggh!!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"<span>FFS either I stop reading your stuff or invest in Tena pads for heavy drinkers afflicted by laughter!!"</span>
 PMSL

banned said...

Please please please let Dianne win

Here's one you helped me with a year or so ago G.O.T.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Ah yes, I remember it well Banned.
Good times ;)

HairyNoddy said...

There were two girls in the Famous Five, but Dianne more than compensates