Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Anyone Else Have A Cat?

Now don't get me wrong, I love cats.
Especially so when I was younger.
Sexist Alert >> There's something very therapeutic about stroking a nice pussy. Trouble is that when you get older it gets harder to find one that will keep still long enough for you to gain some comfort from it. <

Anyway, I digress, what I fucking hate about cats is the unbelievable stink of their shit! Have you ever in your whole life had anything that rips the fuck out of your nostrils than the smell of a cats bowel movement?

There I am relaxing in the evening enjoying a nice glass of red and exchanging the details of my exciting day with Pigsy . . . and then it hits me! "Is that you dear?" I ask in a controversial kind of way, knowing that I'm going to regret it. Sure enough, "Fuck off!" comes the reply "Are you sure it isn't you?". The Scrapster looks the other way, like dogs do when they sense trouble, but then confirmation of the real culprit reaches my ears.

Its the sound of cat litter being manically scattered at a vast rate of knots in a vain attempt to cover the almighty fucking stench of the cat's shit! Trouble is 75% of it ends up on the floor (thats the cat litter not the shit). Its so nice having a gravel driveway for a hall!

What really gets my fucking goat is that the cat has been outside all day and I've just let her in. The first thing she fucking does when she comes in is take a fucking dump! What's that all about? Why couldn't she do it outside and preferably in a neighbours garden. If I was paranoid (which I'm not, am I?) I'd think she was giving me a head fuck!

What's even worse is that her name is Sweetie . . . . who the fuck thought of that name? (Can't say). I suggest that next time we have a cat we need to wait and see how bad her shit smells before we name her.

And another thing, as soon as you clear away the offending article, wearing 3 clothes pegs and using a pair of barbecue tongs, the next thing she does is park her fucking tea again!
Where does it all come from?
What the fuck is she eating? Whiskers?
More like Shitty Kat!

I wish my cat could do this (and flush afterwards!)


TheBigYin said...

You do talk a lot of shit at times G.O.T.....and I LOVE it. :}

Robin B'stard MP said...

Yup it sure stinks, but what i want to know is what makes a Dog want to eat it???
My 3 GSDs often raid the litter tray, making off with those yummy little feline shit parcels .....and then they come over and want to engage in lip licking whilst they reek of fucking cat shit............sometime i wish they would just fuck the fucking fuck off and eat the cunting cat!

Mind you, the smell does remind me of an Uncle who had bad breath, i think my dad said he brushed his teeth with cat shit......could there be something in it?????

Goodnight Vienna said...

Laughed my head off at this one - it's so true.

CryBaby said...

lol, you have such a way with words!

Oldrightie said...

A whole post about excrement. I thought cat was a metaphor for Labour and Jimmy Jester!

Lexander said...

Get yourself a bloody cat flap or be prepared to throw the mog out of the fucking window. My Lab kills and eats 'em (saves on dog food).

Gigits said...

We have tropical fish. They are colourful and relaxing. They don't need a walk or shit everywhere. When they die, you chuck em down the bog.

Harry Hook said...

"Have you ever in your whole life had anything that rips the fuck out of your nostrils than the smell of a cats bowel movement?"

Yes... Hedgehog shit... a cross between napalm... Jeyes Fluid... and Parmesan cheese.

Barking Spider said...

I just hate it when you think they've cleared out everything that it's possible for a cat to hold inside itself for one day, and you sort out the litter tray so it's all spanking clean and restocked with fresh litter - then there's a race and a scrap between the little bastards to see which one of them can get back in there first to do the biggest dump!

G.O.T. said...

Yeah, Pigsy says I've got a bung up my arse 'cos all the shit comes out of my mouth.

Ha, yes, our dogs the same but don't have an uncle like yours, thank fuck.

Cheers mate.

So do you but your rhyming is far superior.

Excellent! It works well that one, unlike those lazy Labour fuckers!

Had a Lab once that was bone fucking idle and he would have expected me to kill the cat for him, fillet and serve on a plate.

Had fish once but the cat ate the fuckers and then had a shit ;-)

Hedgehog shit ?! How the fuck did you get close enough to smell that?

Must be an inbred trait. My two shitters do exactly the same. Bastards!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Get rid of the litter tray and the bastards will be forced to shit in next door's garden like mine do. They'll get used to only shitting when they are out. Feed them on dried food as well as moist and you get a better class of cat shite. I hope this was useful.

A Vet.

G.O.T. said...

Cheers DL I'll give it a go and that's the first time I've had advice from a vet without the big fuck off bill to go with it ;-) Thanks mate, appreciated!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Who the fucking fuck said there was no fucking bill, you grumpy old twat!

DG said...

As the owner of 'next doors garden', I take great delight in scooping the stuff up in a trowel and flinging it back into yours. Fucking cat owners...