Rather entertainingly, and totally without warning, I lost my broadband connection yesterday (and I still don't have it back). Never fear though, I thought, a quick call to those well informed and helpful people in Mumbai, or some such fucking shithole, and I'll soon have it all sorted.
Yeah right.
Oh for fuck's sake you mongtard, I know what the fucking weather is like in the UK and no I haven't changed any of my settings or fucked about with my router ..... just FIX MY FUCKING BROADBAND SUPPLY! "Ahh, OK sir .... I see what the problem is now ..... there is a fault at our end, which our technical department seem to be aware of, and we are trying to fix the problem as soon as we can." Oh, OK then, so how long will it take? "It will all be up and running again within 7 to 10 days"
*long silence*
*deep breath*
SEVEN-TO-TEN-FUCKING-DAYS!!!!
Fortunately, thanks to TheEye, I had in my possession an emergency phrase in Hindu* which he assured me would be most useful if such a situation were ever to arise ..... "Mein teri maa ko teri bhen ki choot mein chodoonga aur tera baap laltern lekar aayega", I said.
The line went dead.
So, until I can get those useless broadband fucking ISP fucktards to fix whatever the fuck it is they've fucked ... I'm fucked .... apart from a dingly dangly dongle thing which I pinched from a loved one, which means I can get some sort of sporadic connection to the internet, depending on whether Pigsy can be arsed to stand on one leg, on a stool, waving aforementioned dongle (via a USB extension lead) outside of the spare bedroom window. Assuming the big fuck off Yew trees aren't swaying in the wind and blocking the fucking signal, of course, and that I don't need her to fetch me another bottle of red.
Meanwhile, I can still pick up your emails and post comments via the TwatBerry device and those of you who are awaiting replies to emails, bear with me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'll also be trying to reply to all your post comments too ;-)
Also. many thanks to everyone who ran with, and linked to, that Richard Curtis video I posted yesterday ..... it seems to have been very popular. Good. The fucking eco fascist 10:10 terrorist twats! Hey .... you don't think that ...... no ..... surely not ...... they wouldn't do that would they? Hmmm, the mongtard in Mumbai was a bit fucking sketchy about why my broadband service had been totally disconnected .... and they were having to re-supply me from scratch.
Well then, just in case I'm not being paranoid, I'd better give you these handy new blog sidebar graphics while I still can .....
Now where's that tin foil hat ......
*translation available here
33 comments:
A lantern? I've heard some insults in my time but that one.... A lantern?
I laughed my head off when I saw that "Stop fucking me about, you bastards" graphic. I've still got a smile on my face even now.
I wrote a few days ago about how shit broadband speeds in this country are. Now I'm gonna have to write a sequel about how shit our broadband services are!
Strange, the moment Dellers links to you, you get all this hassle. Nothing to worry about; just keep your curtains drawn and check under the car with a mirror before going out.
I'm not sure you'll ever get your broadband back now.
It's like a crack addict losing his regular fix!
<p><span>Dump whoever you are with and go with Be. In the rare circumstance that it might go wrong you’ll have to deal with Bulgarians. However, they are the nicest foreign call centre bunch I have ever dealt with! So long as you use standard English there is no language problem. They also appear to know what they are on about and care.</span></p>
Well there is 'standard' English and Gotty English, they had better not fuck him about or else they won't be getting the 'standard version'.
Gotty, I would like to say thank you for all the sterling work you have put in this week, HIP! HIP!......................
There have been some positive results from your efforts and I think there are more to come, well done.
Thanks - your fragrant little Hindi phrase has been cut and pasted, ready to be unleashed at the appropriate moment!
B*stards are working their way around.......... surprised you weren't at the top of the hit-list. http://www.mentalcrumble.com/blog/2010/8/23/where-are-the-customers-yachts-mr-dunstone.html
Brilliant ... :)
Looks like "Dad" is gonna throw some light on the subject, whilst the womenfolk just "fuck about", as usual ... ;)
Latest eco-loon propaganda.
http://www.act-responsible.org/ACT/ACTINCANNES/THE-EXPO/affiche.pdf
http://www.act-responsible.org/ACT/ACTINCANNES/THEEXPO2009.htm
I might have said "serves you right for using a mickey mouse cheapo ISP" but. on reflection, that might have appeared somewhat rude.
Meanwhile I nicked this from a nearby blog, soz, dunno where, about the middl-class reaction to Cameron/Osborns cancelling of their child benefits.
Well if India's pathetic attempt at hosting a major sporting event is anything to go by Gotty and the utterly shite "service" you get from their call centres in India (Which I can vouch for as I have experience in dealing with those fucking utterly useless cunts which infuriates me to fuck, so I know how you feel!!) It seems you'll have a long wait until your broadband is back up and running normally again! Good luck! Utter wankers aren't they!!!! I suppose it could be worse, at least it's not those fucking Muzzie cunts over the border in Pakistan!!!
Holy crap I'm totally using those graphics in my 101010 workday!
Can you make some higher-res versions? I'd like them to look nice on the boxes before we shoot them and blow them up.
Well it was either that or a maglite ;)
I can officially declare that broadband services in the UK are shit!
Tin foil hat is at the ready!
Perhaps it was the bit about the latern that queered my pitch .... that or his sister's cunt ;)
Too fucking right! This must be what cold turkey feels like ;)
Cheers HAB, I'll have a look into that although I have a feeling that they are owned by O2. Could be wrong, hope so .... wouldn't want to give those 10:10 terrorist supporting fuckwits any business ;)
A huge team effort by the blogosphere I would say .... but thanks anyway :-[
It worked for me! Well, apart from the bit where she put the phone down on me of course .... great fun though ;)
Great link ... lovin' that pic of AOL customer service ;)
What the fuck!
Yep! That pic just about sums them up .... mumsnet mongtards!
Fucking nightmare I tell you ..... can't understand a fucking word they're saying half the time and it's not like I have any preconceptions about the Mumbai mongtwats either ;)
Holy crap indeed .... go for it and don't forget to send in some pics of your gun slining 10:10 day ;)
Can't promise that I'll have the time but if I do I'll send them over ;)
Many years ago my father was doing some work on a USAF base in the UK. All vehicles were being searched on entry. The guard duly poked his long handled mirror under the car and had a good look. He walks back to ask dad if he was aware of a large, round object in a black plastic bag hanging underneath. My father replied (trying hard not to laugh) "Yes, it's my spare wheel".....
True story!!
<span>"Serves you right for using a mickey mouse cheapo ISP" </span>
<span> It could be worse - be thankful you're not trying to access THIS service....
</span>
Don't worry about it.I printed those off and they look fine. I wanted several, but was too lazy to make a contact sheet out of them, so I just printed one per page, I hope the eco-fascists are ok with that.
Now just need some eco terrorists to hold them when the firing commences
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