Saturday 31 July 2010

No More Internet Bills : Free Broadband

TiSP : Going with the flow

TiSP KitGoogle TiSP (BETA) is a fully functional, end-to-end system that provides in-home wireless access by connecting your commode-based TiSP wireless router to one of thousands of TiSP Access Nodes via fiber-optic cable strung through your local municipal sewage lines.




Installing TiSP

Installing a typical home TiSP system is a quick, easy and largely sanitary process -- provided you follow these step-by-step instructions very, very carefully.

1 Remove the spindle of fiber-optic cable from your TiSP installation kit.

2 Attach the sinker to the loose end of the cable, take one safe step backward and drop this weighted end into your toilet.

3 Grasp both ends of the spindle firmly while a friend or loved one flushes, thus activating the patented GFlush™ system, which sends the weighted cable surfing through the plumbing system to one of the thousands of TiSP Access Nodes.

4 When the GFlush is complete, the spindle will (or at least should) have largely unraveled, exposing a connector at the remaining end. Detach the cable from the spindle, taking care not to allow the cable to slip into the toilet.

5 Plug the fiber-optic cable into your TiSP wireless router, which has a specially designed counterweight to withstand the centripetal force of flushing.

6 Insert the TiSP installation CD and run the setup utility to install the Google Toolbar (required) and the rest of the TiSP software, which will automatically configure your computer's network settings.

7 Within sixty minutes -- assuming proper data flow -- the other end of your fiber-optic cable should have reached the nearest TiSP Access Node, where our Plumbing Hardware Dispatchers (PHDs) will remove the sinker and plug the line into our global data networking system.

8 Congratulations, you're online! (Please wash your hands before surfing.)

Note: If you have any difficulty installing, operating or simply living with TiSP, we suggest joining the TiSP Help Group.


Advanced TiSP Options

Professional Installation Service
You can also choose to request our professional installation service, which dispatches an army of factory-trained, sub-contracted nanobots from the TiSP Access Node. The nanobots travel with exhilarating nano-speed through the sewer system and into your home to perform the installation service, which should be complete within 15 minutes. Note: For your own physical safety and emotional well-being and in consideration of the nanobots' working conditions, please make absolutely certain that your toilet is unoccupied at the scheduled appointment time.

In-Commode Package Delivery
With professional installation service, you can also have your Google Checkout purchases delivered directly through the sewage network into your bathroom. Each package comes pre-sealed in a watertight and nanobot-resistant bag made of biodegradable corn-based plastic. For a limited time, TiSP subscribers who sign up for a Checkout account will receive free bathroom delivery on their first ten Checkout purchases.

TiSP for Enterprise
We're actively developing a higher-performance version of TiSP specifically tailored to small and medium-sized businesses, including 24-hour, on-site technical support in the event of backup problems, brownouts and data wipes.

Learn more about TiSP: Frequently Asked Questions



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38 comments:

Dioclese said...

Sounds ike shit to me.

Captain Haddock said...

TiSP = This is Some Piss-take .....

Like it though Gotty .... :-D :-D :-D

GrumpyOldTwat said...

... works with Vista and all other poplar operating cisterns too ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Toilet. Piss take. LoL ;)

Oldrightie said...

This isn't India, Gotty.

Ampers said...

Crap, or should I say Crapper ;)

So this is what the Americans mean when they say, Give me your shit...

Bunni said...

Google belongs in the toilet.  I can't even surf gun sites when I'm signed onto my blogger gmail account.  I'm sick of their censorship, they are turning the net into China.

Ampers said...

Bunni, I got the following link, first on the page, when I Googled "pistols and revolvers"

http://www.ableammo.com/catalog/default.php?cPath=9935_13105

Ampers

BRICKBAT said...

Bet the glass coffee table and squatting porn smells like the real thing?
A bit like scratch ´n´sniff, But with a monitor! :-P :-P

Captain Haddock said...

If this was India OR ..

One could dispense with the bowl & cistern & just poke the cable through the hole in the floor ...   :-$ >:o

Captain Haddock said...

Ugghhhh .. BB ..

That's the turd worst comment I've read today .... ;)

Conan the Librarian said...

Do you need a scat lead?

I think there was something similar in the eighties, the Commode 64.

Captain Haddock said...

As Scott Tracy might have said ..

"Thunderbox is GO" .... ;)

Barking Spider said...

There's no answer to either of those! :-D

microdave said...

If this fucking JS Kit comments system works there may be a picture displayed here showing MS Tech Support Indian style.  I've been trying to upload it for hours - it goes through the motions, but no preview appears...

Captain Haddock said...

Typical of these new-fangled systems MD ..

All fart & no shit ... :-D :-D

Bugger (the Panda) said...

Yer takin the piss

tinks said...

You made me cry with laughter.

Round the bend GOT. 

microdave said...

Another try....

Holy Crap!!!  -  It worked....

microdave said...

I saw this in the FAQ's:

Can I use this service when I'm away from home?
Sorry, but no -- TiSP is not available outside the home at this time. We are, however, currently developing a mobile feature called TiSP on the Run (TiSPOTR), which we expect to make available in the near future.

I think I've just seen the prototype:

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Great pic MD. A job well done in the end despite Echo driving you around the U bend ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Wouldn't be surprised if they if they floated the company though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Shit a brick!
Definitely an information overshare moment there, BB  ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

LoL ;)
Which also reminds me of that dear old ZX Spectrum I had and the hours it took to load a programme via the cassette player. You could press play, go for an indian, come back, have a dump and the fucker would still be loading.

Good times all the same though, eh ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Twat! I meant to say ZX Rectum but I think the moment has passed now.
* single malt pissed moment *

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Me? No, surely not but hopefully the toilet is though ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"Parker, fetch the rolls"
"Andrex, me Lady ?"

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Completely round the fucking bend, Tinks. I shit you not ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Shit To Go!  :-D :-D

Catosays said...

Oi, Gotty, it doesn't work in my cess-pit!!

microdave said...

You haven't been paying attention - This is from the FAQ's:

Can I use TiSP if my home uses a septic system?
Sorry, but no -- TiSP requires the use of a central sewer system to connect your home to the Internet.

microdave said...

You haven't been paying attention - This is from the FAQ's:

Can I use TiSP if my home uses a septic system?
Sorry, but no -- TiSP requires the use of a central sewer system to connect your home to the Internet.

microdave said...

I think I've found the problem - you need to have 3rd party cookies enabled in your browser. I came to me in a flush of inspiration late last night. I remembered having problems posting on some other comment systems, and this was suggested as the culprit.

I've just made use of the Google Checkout limted offer and got myself one of these to go with my TiSP:

BRICKBAT said...

Lucky i´ve just bought a nintendo wee then!

BRICKBAT said...

Takes LOGGING OUT and DOWNLOADING into a whole new perspective ! =-X

Catosays said...

Oooops, my mistake. Can only plead manflu as an excuse.

Clive said...

I really don't want Google storing all the crap I produce from now till 2038.

Alan said...

TISP is not as crackers as it might sound.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7104011.stm