Friday, 9 July 2010

Search For Raoul Moat Called Off +Update+ Raoul Moat Speaks ++Breaking++

The acting Chief Constable of Northumbria police, Sue Simm, has anounced in the last hour that she has called off the search for Raoul Moat. Speaking to a hastily convened press conference she said "I have decided that enough is enough, we are no closer to finding Mr Moat than we were 7 days ago. I believe Mr Moat should now be declared the winner of the Northumbria Annual Hide and Seek Contest."

Commenting on why the police had put up such a bad show in this years contest she said "We got off to a bad start, the rules state that we had to turn our backs and count to 1000 while Mr Moat went to hide. It was only when we had counted to 158 that we realised that there was nobody in our force who cold count to 1000. It then took us 2 days to locate an officer with the requisite skills and arrange his secondment from a southern force."

Asked to comment on allegations made by Mr. Moat that the Northumbria force had cheated by bringing in thousands of officers from other forces, as well as the army, she said "I find Mr Moat's allegations of cheating to be very offensive. I think that it is Mr. Moat who is the cheat. You should remember that he didn't just hide and wait for us to find him. On the contrary he kept changing hiding places which isn't against the rules, as such, but shows a less than sporting attitude."

Acting Chief Constable of Northumbria Police, Sue Simm

After the press conference the senior officers of the Northumbria force were challenged, by your correspondent, to find their own arses with both hands, for a reward of £20. Ms. Simm came closest but only managed to locate one buttock before breaking down in tears when a passerby commented that her arse looked big in her uniform.

via our crime correspondent, Mr D. Rex

+++ UPDATE +++

+++ Breaking news from Reuters +++ (Possibly)

"Fugitive" Raoul Moat gave his views on the Northumberland Police at a packed news conference this morning. Addressing the media throng outside the Dog and Flack Jacket, Rothbury, Moat said he had been "disgusted" by the way the police had behaved.

"Look canny lad," he said "I've got a lot of issues, like, me y'know. It's not easy being a Geordie called Raoul, cos everyone thinks I'm a softy southern shite with a name like that, like, so its no fucking wonder I'm a bloody psycho. It was alright for the Boy Called Sue bloke and they even wrote a fuckin' song about him, like."

Mr Moat continued

"Anyway, like, I've been trying to do this Death by Cop Thing for nearly a bloody week now, but the police won't pay me no attention. I keep ringing them up to tell them were I am, but they won't fuckin' answer. Some one told me the switchboard is run by them Community Service Officers but they aren't allowed to answer the phone in case they get brain cancer!"


"I've signed in, in me own name at the pub, like, but no one's been there. Apparantly they're all having a health and safety course over at Gateshead. I told one bobby where I was, like, but he said that he couldn't do anything because there was no risk assessment protocol and anyway ACPO hadn't issued a position statement or made any money out of me yet."

"I've been waivin' and shoutin' at 'em like, but they just put their blue lights on and fuck off the other way sharpish! I tell you boys, it's fuckin' crap, like, this is. I blame that fucking woman off the Vicar O' Dibley, she's a fuckin' lunatic man! She shouldn't be Chief Constable of fuckin' Trumpton"

Meanwhile in other developments, Acting Chief Constable of Northumberland issued a further statement. Speaking from the Pampas Grass which surrounds her home, Sim confirmed that in an unfortunate accident a woman had been shot in the head in Gateshead. It appears that the officers panicked when they heard a rumour that the woman "had a Brazilian".

Sim also confirmed that her force had enlisted the services of a B52 bomber, Andy McNab, the 4th Russian Tank Division and Paul the Psychic Octopus. "We are especially pleased that Paul the Psychic Octopus has joined us" said Sim "We now believe this investigation has legs".

via our Home Office Correspondent, Mr Gildas (aka The Monk)


Acting Chief Constable of Northumbria Police, Sue Sim


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59 comments:

Catosays said...

Cruel, very cruel, but fair!

Captain Peacock said...

How does a waste of space like Sue Dim get promoted ?

Gildas said...

OK I did venture to suggest that she looked like a Cyberman. And I did nominate her successfully over at Is Cunt on the grounds of fuckwitterey and uselessness! I do feel a bit bad about that now... :-[
But my sides are splitting! :-D
Especially the Vicar of Dibley woman - it's true, it's her. Except the Vicar of Dibley woman seems a bit brighter! :-E
Brilliant stuff thanks
G the Monk      

GrumpyOldTwat said...

By being around during 13 years of New Labour incompetence, I should imagine.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

... and not far from the truth either ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Not only does she look like the twin of Alice Tinker but it also seems that they share they same line in intellect too.

Billy Blofeld said...

The Police have been staggeringly inept.  I was amused to see that they employted a Tornado GR4 with infrared surveilance pod last night.

...... surely a pack of fox hounds plus maybe a couple of bloodhounds on the scent  - starting at the campsite could have caught Moat in around about an hour?!

P.S. To add to your fantastic gallery of lookalikes - I submit Lady Tottington from Wallace and Grommit.

Catosays said...

If you put your minds to work and do an anagram of her name...Sue Sim....it comes out rather neatly as Mis Use.

Captain Haddock said...

It would appear that ineptitude is endemic so far as this investigation is concerned ..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1293105/Raoul-Thomas-Moat-Armed-police-leave-ammunition-family-home-search.html

henry wood said...

eeeeh, bonny lad, ye betta wotch your back if you come up North, like! The coppers up here are really hard, ya knaa! (Except when it comes to catching bliddy gunmen then they have to send for Southern Softies!)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

A fucking Tornado! What the fuck!
Next thing you know is they'll be carpet bombing the fucking place.

Oi, you lazy rozzers, get off your fat arses, put down yer doughnuts and get the fuck out into the woods and find the fucker.

Lady Tottington?
PMSL :-D :-D

GrumpyOldTwat said...

That's so good I'm even going to ignore the missing 'm' .....
it's just sooooo fucking apt!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"A SWAT team left a clip containing 20 copper-tipped 5.56 calibre bullets - capable of piercing steel."

I though Moat was wearing a hoodie and t-shirt, not a suit of bastard armour!!

Gildas said...

YES! :)

Indyanhat said...

Is it just me or does anyone else think it strange that they can trace every movement of the 7/7 bombers and neatly kill all of them and an innocent bystander yet can't find one hulking great bodybuilder in a small wood?
Great piece LMSO!

Catosays said...

In all fairness, have you looked at a map of the area. It's immense. I've been up there and I wouldn't like to track anyone in that area.
The Kielder Forest just defies imagination. Once off the path and 10 yards into the trees, there is no daylight at all...really.

Catosays said...

There is no missing 'M'. Her name is actually spelt...SIM. <<sticks>></sticks>

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Looka-likee pics duly updated ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Ooops, my fuck up then!
A rare G.O.T. apology issued (and you don't get too many of those around here) ;)

Ballboy Billy said...

I think its an absolute disgrace,all those nice police persons being wasted
looking for a murderer when they could be better utilised helping health
inspectors seek out old ladies smoking in pub lavatories

If Moaty had been smoking in a local pub,they'de have got him by now.

Cheers

Bert Rodinsky said...

There is another reason why they can't catch him. Everytime hetravels by road he sticks to teh speed limits. Thus making himself invisible to plod ;) .

D-Rex

tinks said...

Made me laugh Gotty. Some truth in the mockery.

And a lot of disinformation no doubt to cover one's arse.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

LoL ;)
Thanks for the tip off Henry but I don't think I need to worry too much. If they can't catch a big fuck off bastard, shooting guns then they ain't gonna find a grumpy old fucker, getting quietly pissed in the corner of a dark room.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Indy
Good point about the 7/7 thing and while we're on the subject .... why the fuck isn't there a proper official commemoration of that dreadful event every year? Disgraceful!

Cato
Get yerself up there mate! Sounds like you know far more about what's what, with the lie of the land, than they do. I haven't seen one of those twats carrying a fucking torch yet!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Quite.
.... or driving around with an out of date tax disc.
.... or shooting a one legged, black islamic lesbian from Tower Hamlets, seeking asylum.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

TFR, D-Rex!
Seems to me that the modern day police force are fucked, when forced to return to the good old fashioned practice of sleuthing.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

"<span>And a lot of disinformation no doubt to cover one's arse."</span>

Surely not ;)

Catosays said...

<span>one legged, black islamic lesbian </span>


Hmmmm!...Sounds like fun! Any pics gotty?

Catosays said...

Nice of you to say so, but I think I'll join you in the darkened room with a bottle or two of Pinotage.

chris said...

absolutely  first class mate

Joe Public said...

She ticked the "Gender" box.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Now aint that the truth ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Drink will be taken ├že soir .... and plenty of it!
Cheers!

microdave said...

Perhaps I should go for a little drive in the Panda - It's small enough to squeeze between the trees, and I fancy a spot of off-roading!

The reward money would come in useful as well...

thespecialone said...

The very rabid pro-police Daily Mail at it again.  Since when did UK police forces have SWAT teams?

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Steady on Cato, although I did have a fleeting image of a hobbling Diane Abbott in a rather fetching thong, go through my mind, as I was typing it up.

Must be the heat ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Cheers Chris!
Another fun collaborative effort from some G.O.T. regulars ;)

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Good point TSO, They should leave all that kind of thing to the Forces. Oh, I forgot, they're all in Afghan getting their limbs blown off in some phoney fucking war which iss all about mineral deposits.

What happened to policeman just being policeman ..... like this chap.....

Captain Peacock said...

<span>You can see the scene when Ms Dims was informed he was on the loose and threatening to kill his former partners boyfriend. The first thing she would do is called a meeting to discuss Raouls Human Rights. Then a Health & Safety meeting what's that 3 day's wasted. Then reports have to be written up and more meetings called.</span>
<span>Lets hope next week she's a temporary traffic warden.</span>

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Don't forget to do a risk assessment and fill in the requesite HSE forms first though, eh ;)

Catosays said...

I'd like to see her in a felching thong!!

Gildas said...

Old Royal Marine saying: If there's one thing more scary than an officer with a map it's a matelot (sailor) with a gun.
Updated to present circumstances: one thing more scary than a social worker with a search warrant it's a bobby with a fucking machine pistol. 
Body armour all round for the good citizens of Northumberland, I reckon!
Gildas the Monk

Captain Haddock said...

"Old Royal Marine saying: If there's one thing more scary than an officer with a map it's a matelot (sailor) with a gun" ...

Gildas, is there anything you'd like to tell me ? .. "Tup-Three" .. ;)

Gildas said...

Captain!I was never a "Bootneck"  myself (I made another choice although I regret that now), but I have some close links, and I have spent some time at Lymptsone, if you allude to that! 
Meanwhile my evening news tells me the fuckwit Chief Constable and co have royally been fucking it up again!
Gildas the Monk 

paul goddard said...

Ye Gods, that woman is dumb.

Captain Haddock said...

Never fear Gotty .. the Doughnuts are safe ...

Captain Haddock said...

Here's what you need to do to get nicked ....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1293374/Woman-held-hours-refusing-children-ball-teach-lesson.html

Captain Haddock said...

Ahhh .. "As you were then, Stand-at-ease, Stand-easy" ... Mate     ;)

Gildas said...

Still remember the bottom field and the tarzan course tho!
I went another path
My dad was 45 Commando 1943-1948. D day to Germany.
Another lad from 40 RMC died yesterday.
God bless, and to all who go to that hell hole
G    

sadbutmadlad said...

I still like the one Inspector Gadget has on his blog.

GrumpyOldTwat said...

What the fuck!
Unbe-fucking-lievable!!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

It just gets more fucking farcical buy the minute!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

.... and some, mate ;)

LOL said...

"i don't really know"

Captain Haddock said...

"Amen" to that Oppo

RIP to them all ....

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Just checked it out .... nice one!

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Brilliant!
Thanks for that ;)

Captain Haddock said...

So ... its finally over .,.,

Late last night ex-footballer & piss artist extraordinaire, Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne turned up at the scene where Police were in an armed standoff with crazed gunman Raoul Moat .. he said "He said he won't shoot me, I'm his mate" .. "C'mon "Moaty" man, its me, "Gazza" ...

Having had time to inwardly digest this unnerving revelation, Moat apparently then blew his own head off, rather than have to listen to the useless, pathetic, publicity-seeking wanker Gascoigne ...

Can't say I blame him, as it happens ...  ;)

Anonymous said...

Fab-ly-ous update.........


I'm off on holiday...... see yers dans une week.