TV Guide For The Week Ahead

MONDAY

Deal Or No Deal? (Channel 4, 5.00 pm)

Negotiation based game show. Guests Willie Walsh and Tony Woodley battle it out for control of an airline. Entertaining, but one sided.

Play Your Cards Right! (ITV 3, 7.00 pm). New statistics based game show. With Michael Gove. Nerve wracking watching.

Who Do You Think You Are? (BBC1, 9.00 pm). Biography. Bob Ainsworth discovers that he really was the useless ineffectual twat we thought he was all along. Predictable.

TUESDAY

Cash In The Attic (BBC1 12.00 pm). Reality. Jacqui Smith raises money by selling her partner’s dodgy porn, but makes a real killing by claiming her sister’s attic is her main private residence. Watchable, but possibly illegal.

WEDNESDAY

Scrapheap Challenge (Channel 4, 5.25 pm). Documentary. Geoff Hoone and Patricia Hewitt ask if there is life after long careers of being parasitic wastes of space and burdens on the public purse. The answer is: No. Uplifting.

Hotter Than My Daughter (BBC 3, 8.30 pm). Reality. Margaret Becket has set her sights on a Milliband and Ruth Kelly head heads for Aye Napa in search of a Jesuit toyboy. Disturbing.

Desperate Housewives (Channel 4, 10.00 pm). Comedy drama. Dilemmas this week as Harriet’s husband Jack wants to be an MP but the safe seat has an all female shortlist, and Diane wants to send her kid private because but the government has fucked the state schools. Will they compromise their principles? Of course they fucking will. Awful.

THURSDAY

Celebrity Fat Club (ITV1, 7.30 pm). Reality. Things do not go according to plan as a hungry Diane Abbot roasts and eats fitness instructor, ex US Marine Harvey, but then she herself gets grilled by Andrew Neil. Entertaining but painful to watch.

CSI: Rothbury (Channel 5, 10.00 pm). Long running police drama. This week the police are accused of incompetence. Again. With special guest stars that woman from the Vicar of Dibley and Paul Gascoigne. Mostly hilarious, but the ending is predictable.

Relocation, Relocation (Channel 4, 8.00 pm). Reality. Hazel Blears and Alistair Darling on how to “move” your “main private residence” without actually “moving” at all! With about 200 guest stars. Thought provoking.

FRIDAY

My Name Is (Now) Earl (Sky Biography, various). Interview. The life and times of Lord Prescunt of Pies and his thoughts on selling out and being a first class hypocritical pie eating tosser. With Andrew Marr. Unintelligible, but at the same time infuriating.

Friends (Channel 4, various). Sitcom. Ed, David, Ed and Andy are having a private party, but when Diane arrives uninvited, chaos ensues. Mildly amusing and irritating by degrees.

SATURDAY

Flog it! (BBC 1 5.05 pm). Reality. George Osborne attempts to plug the black hole in public finances by selling off Wales, and fails, because nobody wants it. Dispiriting.

SUNDAY

Wheel of Fortune (ITV Gold, various). Gameshow. Nicky Campbell shows you how to become a Euro MP and an overnight millionaire in return for doing fuck all. Exasperating.

PICK OF THE WEEK

The Mentalist (Five, Saturday, 10.00 pm).

Biography.

Psychologists look into the mind of Gordon Brown and speculate. Disturbing.

via our TV, showbiz and entertainment guru, Gildas Monk