No More Internet Bills : Free Broadband

TiSP : Going with the flow

Google TiSP (BETA) is a fully functional, end-to-end system that provides in-home wireless access by connecting your commode-based TiSP wireless router to one of thousands of TiSP Access Nodes via fiber-optic cable strung through your local municipal sewage lines.

Installing TiSP

Installing a typical home TiSP system is a quick, easy and largely sanitary process -- provided you follow these step-by-step instructions very, very carefully.

1 Remove the spindle of fiber-optic cable from your TiSP installation kit.

2 Attach the sinker to the loose end of the cable, take one safe step backward and drop this weighted end into your toilet.

3 Grasp both ends of the spindle firmly while a friend or loved one flushes, thus activating the patented GFlush™ system, which sends the weighted cable surfing through the plumbing system to one of the thousands of TiSP Access Nodes.

4 When the GFlush is complete, the spindle will (or at least should) have largely unraveled, exposing a connector at the remaining end. Detach the cable from the spindle, taking care not to allow the cable to slip into the toilet.

5 Plug the fiber-optic cable into your TiSP wireless router, which has a specially designed counterweight to withstand the centripetal force of flushing.

6 Insert the TiSP installation CD and run the setup utility to install the Google Toolbar (required) and the rest of the TiSP software, which will automatically configure your computer's network settings.

7 Within sixty minutes -- assuming proper data flow -- the other end of your fiber-optic cable should have reached the nearest TiSP Access Node, where our Plumbing Hardware Dispatchers (PHDs) will remove the sinker and plug the line into our global data networking system.

8 Congratulations, you're online! (Please wash your hands before surfing.)

Note: If you have any difficulty installing, operating or simply living with TiSP, we suggest joining the TiSP Help Group.

Advanced TiSP Options

Professional Installation Service

You can also choose to request our professional installation service, which dispatches an army of factory-trained, sub-contracted nanobots from the TiSP Access Node. The nanobots travel with exhilarating nano-speed through the sewer system and into your home to perform the installation service, which should be complete within 15 minutes. Note: For your own physical safety and emotional well-being and in consideration of the nanobots' working conditions, please make absolutely certain that your toilet is unoccupied at the scheduled appointment time.

In-Commode Package Delivery

With professional installation service, you can also have your Google Checkout purchases delivered directly through the sewage network into your bathroom. Each package comes pre-sealed in a watertight and nanobot-resistant bag made of biodegradable corn-based plastic. For a limited time, TiSP subscribers who sign up for a Checkout account will receive free bathroom delivery on their first ten Checkout purchases.

TiSP for Enterprise

We're actively developing a higher-performance version of TiSP specifically tailored to small and medium-sized businesses, including 24-hour, on-site technical support in the event of backup problems, brownouts and data wipes.

Learn more about TiSP: Frequently Asked Questions

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 4]

The BP oil spill fuckathon advert is my fucking advert of the fucking week. The best fucking advert I've fucking seen in a fucking long fucking time, just because the fuckers in the fucking video use fucks like they're going out of fucking fashion.

Fucking well brilliant!

PS. Any fucker out there have the fucking resources to help me make a fucking advert like this fucker based on fucked up Broken Britain? Now that fucking fucker would be a fucking good fucker of a video!

Always Happy To Help Another Blogger

"Make me feel ashamed. Make me feel humiliated. It's the only option!"

Oh .... ok then ..... if you insist.

Click image to enlarge,

especially if you want to read the Twitter updates ;-)

The Camera Never Lies

23rd July,  BBC News reports:

Two Muslim women have claimed they were refused a bus ride because one had her face covered by a veil. They said that when they presented their tickets, the driver told them they were a "threat" to passengers and ordered them off the bus. The firm has started an "urgent" investigation because The Muslim Council of Britain said it was "deeply concerned".

(oh, and the report also includes a handy BBC graphic showing the 7 different types of Islamic female garb. How fucking considerate of them)

 

Anyhow, elsewhere in the real world, it appears that the actual chain of events is more than a little different to the BBC version ....

Yesterday, London Evening Standard reports:

A bus driver accused by two students of banning them because of their Islamic dress has been cleared after CCTV showed he had actually barred them for their abusive behaviour.

On-board CCTV of the incident, showed the women banging on the front doors and attempting to board the bus when it had come to the end of its run. They then get on through the rear doors and begin arguing with the driver. They get off and wait for the bus to start its journey back to Paddington - but another exchange follows, and the driver refuses to set off unless they disembark.

Well, just fancy that, no fucking trace of that version of events to be found anywhere on the BBC News website and no mention of the outcome of the investigation either.

Yet more proof, if any were needed, that the BBC have their own agenda and if the truth gets in the way of that, then ....... just lie.

NHS Spunks £7500 On High Tech Porn

Liverpool Women's NHS Foundation Trust have decided to fuck off the traditional jizz mags and spunk up £7,500 on a 'punishing percy in the palm' porn room. Yup, they've gone all high tech in an effort to give willing wankers a hand to deliver vital supplies of man juice.

Seems like a fairly stiff expense to me when these days all you really need is a half decent internet connection, dontcha think.

Have a read of the comments here, they're fucking priceless!*

Whoa! Hang on a fucking minute, things are looking up. It appears that a certain NHS staff member is more than happy to provide the real thing .... especially if you're dying for a shag ;-)

 

*Original story spotted by our Health and Well-Being Correspondent, MircoDave.
  (No. Don't ask)

Turkey Basting Bastard!

What he said and what he said too.....

..... by the fucking bucket load!

You Tube Video Of The Week

Take that you Muzzie cunt ......

Cross posted from my good friends here
and if you have a couple of minutes to spare go to the main
YouTube site and read the video description here.

Bring it fucking on!

2012 Olympics Quote Of The Day

"When the party is over, the canoe courses, the velodrome and numerous other purpose built structures will slowly fall into decay or be converted to halal abbatoirs or Madrasses to cater for "local needs".

What a bag of shite."

Old Holborn

London 2012 Olympics

Deja Fucking Vu

April 1992

“The National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS) is a United Kingdom policing agency set up as a separate body to centralize the gathering and distribution of intelligence on serious and organized criminal matters. The media have heralded the creation of NCIS as being similar to the FBI. NCIS will be formed out of the National Drugs Intelligence Unit in the Home Office. NCIS will concentrate on drugs, financial crime, immigration, firearms and organized crime.

April 1998

“The National Crime Squad (NCS) is to be a police organisation which will deal mainly with organised and major crimes. Formed from the amalgamation of six former Regional Crime Squads, the NCS will report directly to the Home Office and will have nationwide and international jurisdiction.

It will primarily deal with organised crime, major drug trafficking, illegal arms dealing, human trafficking, computer and high-tech crime, money counterfeiting and laundering, extortion, kidnapping and murder relating to any of the above. Lastly, it will augment and support regional forces throughout the United Kingdom.

The unit has been likened to the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)”.

September 2005

“The Home Office is setting up the Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) to tackle high level criminality in an “efficient and ruthless” manner. Due to be operational from 2006, the SOCA represents the biggest shake-up of our national policing structure since 1992.

Swiftly dubbed the British version of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) by the media, the Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) brings together the responsibilities once shared by the National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS) and the National Crime Squad (NCS), while also taking on organised crime investigations previously handled by the immigration service and Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise”.

July 2010

“Plans for a massive shake-up in policing in England and Wales are set to be outlined by the home secretary. A new national crime-fighting agency, likely to be dubbed Britain’s FBI, is among Theresa May’s proposals. The Serious Organised Crime Agency (SOCA) is expected to be scrapped just four years after it was set up by Labour. SOCA will be replaced by the National Crime Agency (NCA), which will include a new border police unit, the child exploitation and online protection centre (CEOP) and parts of the National Policing Improvement Agency.

* sigh *

Now, I'm not one to fucking well Labour a point but the Cleggeron Coalition certainly seem to be. Not to mention the little matter of £15 million quid of tax payers' cash for that shiny new logo, eh.

Just saying.

Info unashamedly nicked from Inspector Gadget, the man in the know ;-)

Deport This Disgraceful Fuck Nut Now

Question: Are you seriously suggesting that everybody on those tube trains and on that bus in London, on July 7th, was in some way a legitimate target?

Three years after answering that question the respondent is still living in the UK, at the expense of the UK tax payers'. Now, if watching the Sharia Law supporting, violence inciting arsewipe converting a 10 year old British boy to Islam on the streets of the UK is your thing, then I guess that's OK then ......

Anjem Choudary:

"Islam does not mean peace. Islam means submission."

Hey! Cleggeron! Know thine enemy!
New Labour didn't, in fact they befriended all this shit.
So what the fuck are YOU going to do about it then.

It's rhetorical.

Lost Screen Tests

Samuel L. Jackson auditions for a part in Titanic .....

Or how about Paris Hilton, trying out for the lead role in 'The Queen' ....

Also heard a rumour that Roy Chubby Brown will be auditioning for the much anticipated biopic, 'Gordon Brown : Prime Mentalist'

Gordon Brown : Out Of Africa

So the last we heard, Gordon Brown was going to become a hard working back bench MP and devote his time and energy to the needs of his constituents in Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath. So what better way to do this that than give your first major speech, since resigning as prime mentalist, from a village in Africa. For fuck's sake .... how much fucking further away, from the place where we are all STILL paying the free loader to work, can you fucking well get!

Never mind, he insists that he's "very cheerful as a back bench MP" (has anyone actually seen the jock cunt sitting in the Chamber yet?) and he came to terms with losing the election "very quickly" (is that fucking right?). The deluded mono eyed, pant pissing, nokia chucker then went on to say " You accept it and then move on and say look, there are other things you can do to make a difference". (like what, you useless lardy arsed, bollock tickler?)

I'm sure we can think of few ideas though, eh......

Anyhow, thanks to Sarah Brown and her TwatPic account, I've snaffled a couple of images showing Gordon moving among the voters in his constituency villagers in the back of beyond:

... but what the fuck are they reading?

.... but what's the poor little girl thinking?

On an even more depressing note I hear that we can expect the fuckwit, who is responsible for creating Britain's biggest ever debt mountain, to be easing himself into a top job with the International Monetary Fund .... any time soon. (didn't realise the IMF HQ was in Kircaldy)

And I ain't fucking joking!

Incidentally, if you'd like to tell the deluded twat what you think about all this then why not drop him a line here. I'm sure he'd love to read what you have to say, just as soon as he gets back from Westminster Kampala.

The Brokeback Coalition

David Davis has been overheard by reporters repeating a description of the partnership between David Cameron and Nick Clegg as "The Brokeback Coalition", a phrase which he attributed to Lord Ashcroft.

Rather entertainingly, I thought I would remind you that, Davis is the much heralded hero and ex boss of conservative blogger Iain Dale. Oh, the irony of it all. Standby for the inevitable fat poof hissy fit, anytime soon ......

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 3]

Maybe it's a sign of the times but surely they, more than most, should have seen this one coming .......

I just fucking love the humour in stuff like this! Has anybody else got similar, excellent examples of appropriate or inappropriate adverts or signage?

Leave your links, and/or photos in the comments and let's all have an end of the week 'larrrff'. Here's a small selection of some of my old favourites :

Ha! Just seen Ranty has an excellent piece of signage here ;-)

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 1]

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 2]

Thanks to Microdave for the Public Notice

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 2]

The other day I needed to go to the doctors. The thought of having to sit there waiting for four hours was doing my twatting head in. So ...... I put on my old army fatigues and stuck a badge onto the front of my shirt, one which I had downloaded from the internet.

When I arrived at the doctors, I noticed that four of the people immediately got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. That cut at least three hours off my waiting time.

I also found it helped to cut the queue at the benefit office too.

The badge saved me five hours there.

Three minutes after entering the launderette I had my choice of any machine, even though they were all being used when I walked in.

A word of warning though.... don't try it at McDonald's.

The whole fucking crew got up and left and l never got my order.

CLICK HERE if you'd like a copy of my badge and feel free to use it the next time you can't be fucked to wait in a queue ;-)

Meanwhile I see McDonald's, in conjunction with Stonewall, are now doing a gayer version of the Quarter Pounder. Presumably you'll still able to 'go large' and have cheese with it .....

Thanks to Ampers for the badge story

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 1]

The weekend is nearly here!
Let's party on down with Allah ....

On A Positive Note ...

... it's good to the that the USA can be just as fucking spineless as the UK Government, after they withdrew Tony Blair's 'invite' to appear before a Senate enquiry into the release of the Lockerbie Bomber. Still, it's good to see that 'slippery' Jack Straw has received his invitation although he does say that he hasn't decided whether to 'attend' or not yet.

He'd like to consult with Gordon Brown first and then have a cosy chat with the nice chaps at the Foreign Office about those leaked letters.

So he won't be going then.

Slippery cunts.

Who'd Like An EU Referendum?

Well I certainly would and following McSnotty's 'I'll call it a Treaty' tactic so that he didn't  have to uphold his promise and Cameron's failure to keep his 'cast iron' one, it appeared that we were never going to get the opportunity to have our EU Referendum.

Fear not, there's still a chance that we can force the duplicitous, referendum dodging, Government dipshits into doing what WE want for a change. New Coalition legislation, under the heading of Political Reform, will ensure that any petition that secures 100,000 signatures will be eligible for formal debate in Parliament and that the petition with the most signatures will enable members of the public to table a bill eligible to be voted on in Parliament.

This has created a unique opportunity for all of us to both embarrass the government and hold them to account by way of The EU Membership Referendum Petition.

This is a very serious attempt to gather as many signatures as possible, not just here online but also around all the major cities in Britain by raising the profile and gathering more signatures via the EU Referendum Tour Bus.

Don't let the government shut you up

Click here to sign the petition

and to find out further details about the campaign.

Go on, you know you want to ;-)

This Blog Post Sounds Angry

Are you are one of those people that say 'what the fuck use is that to anybody' whenever you see someone has invented an apparently useless gadget or a 'who the fuck in their right mind is going to use that' piece of software or app?

Well then, you're in for a treat because some anally retarded code writing geek has decided that we are all going to need this pointless piece of shite.

G.O.T. also understands that they are considering  a similar version for blogger comments too.

Now pin yer bastard lugholes back and listen to this, Mr 'don't-get-out-in-the-daylight-much-socially-dysfunctional-when-I-meet-real-people-too-much-fucking-time-on-my-fucking-hands-sad-twatty-techy-geek' ..... no-one needs a piece of software to decode the tone of MY emails and comments.

When I say 'fuck the mother fucking fucketty fuck off, you cunting pile of shit piss smeg wankstain .... I don't mean 'have a nice day, old bean'.

G.O.T. it!

Cameron In Washington

Rather unsurprisingly it appears that Cameron has backed down and agreed to meet US Sentors, in the recently revived discussion, about the role that BP played in the release of the Lockerbie bomber. This comes amidst suggestions that he may hold an inquiry into the whole 'release' fiasco, under the dictatorship of Mono McSnotty. We won't hold our breath though, eh.

As far as I'm concerned this image, that I did back in September 2009, still holds true, and maybe you could update it with Call Me Dave's airbrushed image but it's still all about the fucking money and nothing is going to convince me otherwise.

As an aside, I recently happened across a rather entertaining angle on Megrahi's continuing good health which I found quite amusing at the time.

Getting back to the Barack Obameron mutual masturbation meeting in Washington, or as they would prefer to call it 'The Special Relationship', there may be a few inconvenient truths about this whole arrangement, that the Americans would rather you didn't know about.

To this day they remain a British Colony.

Cameron would do well to remember that.

Meet The Flintsones

This was spotted in the comments section of a typically hypocritical 'Blinky Bollocks' article, which appeared on the Groaniad webshite. Although the figures are totally unchecked I still thought it was well worth sharing :

BALLS

You have left this country FOUR TRILLION pounds in debt.

Four trillion.

4,000,000,000,000

Let’s get 'trillion' into perspective.

One trillion seconds ago Neanderthals stalked the plains of Europe.

Two trillion seconds ago no known hominid used anything other than a stone tool.

Four trillion seconds ago the homos had not migrated from Africa.

(although they were all over Glasgow like a fucking rash recently)

Thanks to Billy for the original spot.

A rising star in the blogosphere, IMHO ;-)