Eid Mubarak

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It's The WTF Video Of The Year

Boobs that look like dolphins?
Do you think they did that on porpoise?

What the fuck!

Tip of the flipper to Joe Public for the spot ;-)

We Are Sailing

Seven metre seas and 50 knot winds hit a ship during a severe storm off the New Zealand coast. This piece of CCTV footage picks up the effects it had on some of the passengers and crew.

Funny as fuck ......

Tip of the sou'wester to Rod for the heads up ;-)

+++ Mark Andrews Jailed For 6 Months +++ UPDATED +++

As a result of this appallingly brutal and cowardly attack.

 6 fucking months! Is that all. He'll be out in 3.
And Wiltshire Police still haven't sacked him.

His laywer, Jeremy Barton, has already submitted appeal papers.
What. The. Fuck.

Sky News report here

Ellie Sucks Up To Balls

Unless you can think of a better caption of course?

How very progressive. Ellie Gellard gives Balls the benefit of her deft fingertip skills during yesterday's live webchat on Mumsnet which actually involved all 5 of the Labour leader candidates, in yet another pointless display of 'huffing and puffing, before Dave MiniBlair is duly 'elected'.

If you look at the same webchat from another angle, you will see that Balls is the only one incapable of typing for himself. Fuck me, even his prime mentalist mentor managed the odd stubby finger or two on such occasions!

However, Balls did manage a rebuttle of his unshakeable bullying tag: "If you have a surname like mine, you know what bullying is like when you are a child. I hate bullies I think they are cowards. So if you don't shut the fuck up I'll rip your fucking ears off and use them for ashtrays".

Other highlights included a laptop malfunction for Andy Burnham, after he spilt mascara all over his keyboard, and Diane Abbott announcing: "I have no advisors on this campaign, isn't though, I'm quite capable of finking for myself, innit, and writing my own speeches. Dew get me?" Oh, and Dave MiniBlair's biscuit of choice is a custard cream but rumours that Ed MiliMinor still enjoys a rusk dipped in warm milk were unconfirmed.

Tits 'n' Arse

Some days must be more entertaining than others when your sole job in life is to conjure up witty and/or  accurate headlines for a news story. Take this one for example:

Butts Arrested In Boob Murder Case

Leaving aside the distressing facts that actually lie behind that headline, the writer who produced it must have had a fucking grin the size of an 18 stone cheshire cat after being handed the editorial for that story.

Then there's this one:

Half-Naked Cumbrian Woman Masturbated

Whilst Driving On Motorway After She Wet Herself

Whoa! Whoever was responsible for that, obviously decided to fill his fucking boots and just couldn't resist tagging on that extra piece of 'information over share' at the end. No wonder really, the actual story behind that one is jammed packed full of 'titterfest' moments.

Oh .... and I know exactly what you dirty bastards are thinking too. "What the fuck does she look like? Is she fit". Well, far be it from me to err. .... spill the bean, why not judge for yourselves, the 'lady' in question can be seen HERE.

Anyhow, there must be shitloads more of these out there, somewhere, that will surely amuse and entertain us all. Have you got any fine examples that you'd like to share? The problem is it's only Monday and I'm already as grumpy as fucking fuck, especially after seeing that video over at Cato's. It's fucking ages until TFIF so I could really do with something to make me break the fuck out into a smile.

Tip of the twat to Caratacus and Microdave for the two examples above ;-)

More Police Farce Twattery

Rather appallingly, following hot on the heels of this bollocks, we appear to have yet another incident which is rapidly hurling us into a 'real life imitating art' scenario .... as far as copper knob twattery is concerned.

Yep! Real life Hot Fuzz appears to be alive and kicking on the streets of Britain.

Watch in dis-fucking-belief as Sgt Mark Andrews goes totally fucking insane in an attempt to escort Pamela Somerville to the custody suite .....

So, what the fuck did this thug do to deserve such an energetic 'free' facelift and body tuck from Sgt Shitwipe? Murder, rape (with a strap-a-dick-to-me), steal the crown jewels, a spot of kiddy fiddling perhaps?

Nope.

The 59 year old woman fell asleep in the back of her car.

Quote of the Day

"History will pass judgment on these foreign adventures in due course, but in my view Gordon Brown's malign intervention, when Chancellor, on the SDR by refusing to fund what his own government had agreed, fatally flawed the entire process from the outset." ..... "Tony Blair lacked the moral courage to impose his will on his own chancellor"

General Sir Richard Dannatt

The Stig : I Told You So

What the fuck is all this bollocks about The Stig.

For fuck's sake!
I told everyone his true identity HERE, back on 21st January 2009. 18 fucking months ago. No fucker took a blind bit of notice then so what's all the fucking hoo-haa about now for? What the fucking fuck has changed?

Just asking.

Guest Speaker of the Day

I see, via TheEye, that today is a big day if you're a member of the The British Stammering Association because their London Open Day event is taking place in Bethnal Green. All are w-w-w-welcome.

The main highlight, of course will be the attendance of their s-s-s-special guest speaker, Ed 'blinky' Balls, who has t-t-t-taken time out from his desperate attempt not to finish last in the Labour Leadership Election busy schedule to take as long as possible to say a few words.

The day will also be offering attendees an eclectic mix of workshops and presentations (or so they say) with various topics that will include:

• Stress: to react or respond?
• Neuro-linguistic programming
• McGuire Programme and Starfish Project
  (I do hope that's not a chocolate one?)
• Workshops dealing with public speaking, belief system, non-avoidance
   and schools etc.

What the fuck!

And as TheEye points out ..... Public speaking? Belief system? Non-avoidance? Is B-B-B-Balls going as a speaker or as a fucking patient? Well, one thing's for fucking sure, he won't be needing any of those skills when he comes last in the Labour Leadership election. Despite his delusions of grandeur, it's still a straight race between the one who looks like a rapist and the one who has borderline Down's Syndrome.

New Independent Video Site For Bloggers

Thank fuck it's Friday again and thank fuck I don't have to upload my videos to YouTube anymore, only to have them banned on the whim of some lefty, freedom of speech fucking, UAF fuckmong or other.

Following a recent post on the subject and many more hours of work by ASE, and his helpful band of testers, our brand new independent video site is now available to anyone who would like to upload, view and embed videos without fear of interruption from the freedom fucking thought police.

http://eyetube.me

EyeTube will have a policy of free speech. Of course this works both ways....if your work is insulted or has a complete new arsehole ripped out in the comments, you'll be stunned how little the Administrators* will give a fuck. You may even find that they've joined in!

For more details and a handy little widgetty thing for your blog sidebar, please pay a visit to the All Seeing Eye HERE and if you have any questions or just want to let us know what you think, then feel free to let us know in the comments here .... or drop us a line by email to EyeTube.

Now to business.
Here's a video that I've uploaded to the new site and if this doesn't scare the crap out of you then nothing will. It may have been filmed before the last general election but I don't see anything that will change their long term plan, not whilst Cleggeron are at the helm. So ..... who's for a muslim UK Prime Minister then?

* That'll be G.O.T. and TheEye then ;-)

I'm Speechless

No.

I really fucking am.

More Toejam From Toenails

"Many may bridle at his refusal to apologise for Iraq, to condemn David Cameron's planned cuts or to accept that the banking crisis has made the case for more government and more regulated markets."

More government!
More fucking government!

Did I miss something? Who the fuck has decided that we need that then ..... need I ask. You shameless, BBC biasing, lefty labour bum crack sucking, piece of shit.

Incidentally, talking of 'bum crack sucking' (all seems rather popular at the moment - urrgh) how about a caption or two for this rather apt picture of a 'double act', that I happened across ......

You're Nicked!

Albeit very, very slowly.

Lincolnshire police farce has unveiled its latest weapon in the fight against crime. They've even fitted it with a flashing blue light, just in case of a high speed chase.

Is it just me or has the whole world gone fucking mad.

Labour Leadership Non Contest

So, according to a recent article, Tony Blair has been grooming David Miliband to be his successor since Dubya made it clear, in 2006, that they [the USA] would have 'big problems' working with Gordon Brown. (well who fucking wouldn't). In an interview at the time, Saint Tony of Bliar even described Fyffes Dave as “my Wayne Rooney”.

How sweet.

Well, as we all know now, Miliband Major failed to grow a fucking pair and hid in a cupboard under the stairs whilst the one eyed, pill popping, gonad gobbler became an unopposed and unelected Prime Mentalist. So, 3 years or so later, after we have all been metaphorically reamed in the arse (without lube) and McSnotty is busy doing sweet fuck all and getting paid handsomely for doing it, Two Faced Tony from Bliarshire is finally about to bring on his star substitute. Wayne Millitwat.

We all know that 'Bananaman the Spinless' is going to 'win' the Labour Leadership Election don't we, it's been a foregone fucking conclusion since the day Gordon grabbed a couple of young boys and fucked off back to Scotland. I mean 'Election', that's a fucking joke for a start, the whole thing is a total sham. Going through the motions, just for the pathetic and totally unconvincing sake of appearances.

So that's it then, Billionaire Blair will, in essence, once again be at the helm of the Labour Party, despite what the fuck any of the lying spintards say in public. New, old, borrowed or fucking blue it'll make no fucking difference once 'Me Mini Me MiliBliar' gets in to his stride, having benefited from years of grooming via his mendacious mentors ... Lord and Lady Tony of Duplicity and Slotgobshire.

However, there is but one thing standing in the way of Bananaman and his utlimate goal of reaching the heady heights of MiliBliarism ...... The Cleggeron Coalition. Otherwise that jug eared, spineless, cock sucker of Saint Tony will be waving a whole fucking case full of bananas, outside the door of Number 10. Which, in time, will undoubtedly lead to much more of this sort of thing. And this, this and fucking this.

Finally, I'll leave you with a soundbite/spinshite which was taken from a recent article here (well worth a read for the bullshit entertainment value) where David 'fyffes rooney minibliar' Miliband proclaims .... "Politics should be about getting out into the community and speaking to people. It should be about people and policies, not about spin and press releases."

They just don't fucking get it. Do they. Any of them.
Deluded, arrogant, duplicitous and aloof ... as ever.

That Kevin Pietersen Tweet

In case you missed it, here is a copy of the Kevin Pietersen tweet that he wacked up on twitter earlier today. It has since been hastily removed due to the expletive he used when announcing he'd been excluded from the England cricket Team T20 and 50 over One day squads, to play against the match fixing Pakistan team.

Get over it Kevin, you big girls blouse, your current form is a bag of fucking shite. So fuck the fuck off and don't come back until you've earned the right to play for England again, just like every other fucker has to.

That is all.

Balls The Builder

Still denying that debt then, I see.

The Consequences Of Living In The Westminster Village Bubble

What's been happening in the 'real' world totally eludes them, especially the effect on the lives of 'real' people who have unwittingly become entangled in the consequences of the UK's continuing membership of the EU.

Real bloggers have been aware of it for years so I particularly enjoyed the following three comments, which ably point out that fact, in the recent post of a Village Bubbletarian, HERE:

"Bet she [Theresa May] doesn't do a damn thing. Who in their right mind would agree to sign up to extend the "no evidence required" arrest warrant in the first place? I thought they said they would be repatriating laws, instead they have already signed away more of our rights. Don't worry though, fatboy Pickles is tackling the nuisance of too many road signs so the coalition is working and all is well."

Norton Folgate

"Sorry, Iain, but many of us bloggers saw this coming ages ago. The EU is nothing but a big-state, jobs-for-the-boys,(and girls), control-freak, neo-communist dictatorship for brainless, gravy-train politicians with a lust for power! When are the MSM going to start investigating our troughing politicians properly instead of faithfully parroting what they are told by those very same powers that be?"

Barking Spider

"What comes to mind is stable doors and horses. Because Dave has reneged on the Lisbon Treaty referendum when the country would have rejected Europe and all it's arrest warrants you are now regretting it's implications. Get real. Our politicians have betrayed this country and sold out on over a thousand years of history. This is the end of our independence, law making, traditions and the British way of life. Lisbon is the final act in the superstate jigsaw. It's self amending legislation from here on. If you don't know this already you are an idiot. What are you complaining about? When you supported Dave, you supported these warrants and much else besides."

Robert

Or perhaps I'm just being my normal Grumpy Old Twattish self.
Maybe I'm just being a little harsh?

Pakistan Cricketer Named In Bribe Shock

The world of cricket has been shocked by the revelations that one of the Pakistan Test Team is not bent as a 9 rupee note. Opening fast bowler Abu Googlie was reported not to have taken a bribe of £20,000 to bowl no balls in the final test match at Lords. Googlie (30) was offered the bribe by an undercover newspaper reporter who was posing as a Police Community Support Officer, as part of a “sting” at the team’s hotel. Unknown to Googlie, however, the conversation was being recorded. Googlie can be distinctly heard telling the PCSO to “fuck right off”.

Spokesman for the Pakistani Cricket Board, Osama Bin Laden, said that he was “shocked and appalled” by the allegations, which flew completely in the face of Pakistan’s long and honourable tradition of playing test cricket. Speaking from his cave, near Kandahar, Bin Laden (52) said “If this is true it’s appalling. How the hell is anyone going to be able to place a spread bet and make a few dishonest rupees if one of our players is found to be as honest as the day is long! This throws the whole reputation of Pakistani cricket into question.”

Meanwhile, following a long lunch of tofu, organic parsley, quails eggs and polenta, Labour Leadership candidate David Millipede (13 and three quarters) added his own comments. “It’s very sad but it’s a slow news day and I’ll jump on any bandwagon I can because I hate my fucking brother so much. He is a complete cunt, by the way.”

Those still wishing to collect donations for the Pakistan Flood Appeal should direct their inquiries to the rest of the Pakistani Cricket Team. They've got shit loads of cash to spare.

via our International Sports and Cricket Correspondent, Randy Hack

Thank Fuck It's Friday [Part 9]

Well, not only is it the weekend but it's also the last Bank Holiday before Christmas (or is that Winter Festival theses days?). A word of caution though if, like me, you're rather partial to industrial quantities of relaxation water .... you might like to take heed from the following video, which involves one of our readers (I shit you not). I'm not going to name him myself on the basis that I certainly don't won't to get on the wrong side of his 'other half'.  Picture quality is crap but the words come through loud and fucking clear. Enjoy .....