TV Guide For The Week Ahead

MONDAY

Deal Or No Deal? (Channel 4, 5.00 pm)

Negotiation based game show. Guests Willie Walsh and Tony Woodley battle it out for control of an airline. Entertaining, but one sided.

Play Your Cards Right! (ITV 3, 7.00 pm). New statistics based game show. With Michael Gove. Nerve wracking watching.

Who Do You Think You Are? (BBC1, 9.00 pm). Biography. Bob Ainsworth discovers that he really was the useless ineffectual twat we thought he was all along. Predictable.

TUESDAY

Cash In The Attic (BBC1 12.00 pm). Reality. Jacqui Smith raises money by selling her partner’s dodgy porn, but makes a real killing by claiming her sister’s attic is her main private residence. Watchable, but possibly illegal.

WEDNESDAY

Scrapheap Challenge (Channel 4, 5.25 pm). Documentary. Geoff Hoone and Patricia Hewitt ask if there is life after long careers of being parasitic wastes of space and burdens on the public purse. The answer is: No. Uplifting.

Hotter Than My Daughter (BBC 3, 8.30 pm). Reality. Margaret Becket has set her sights on a Milliband and Ruth Kelly head heads for Aye Napa in search of a Jesuit toyboy. Disturbing.

Desperate Housewives (Channel 4, 10.00 pm). Comedy drama. Dilemmas this week as Harriet’s husband Jack wants to be an MP but the safe seat has an all female shortlist, and Diane wants to send her kid private because but the government has fucked the state schools. Will they compromise their principles? Of course they fucking will. Awful.

THURSDAY

Celebrity Fat Club (ITV1, 7.30 pm). Reality. Things do not go according to plan as a hungry Diane Abbot roasts and eats fitness instructor, ex US Marine Harvey, but then she herself gets grilled by Andrew Neil. Entertaining but painful to watch.

CSI: Rothbury (Channel 5, 10.00 pm). Long running police drama. This week the police are accused of incompetence. Again. With special guest stars that woman from the Vicar of Dibley and Paul Gascoigne. Mostly hilarious, but the ending is predictable.

Relocation, Relocation (Channel 4, 8.00 pm). Reality. Hazel Blears and Alistair Darling on how to “move” your “main private residence” without actually “moving” at all! With about 200 guest stars. Thought provoking.

FRIDAY

My Name Is (Now) Earl (Sky Biography, various). Interview. The life and times of Lord Prescunt of Pies and his thoughts on selling out and being a first class hypocritical pie eating tosser. With Andrew Marr. Unintelligible, but at the same time infuriating.

Friends (Channel 4, various). Sitcom. Ed, David, Ed and Andy are having a private party, but when Diane arrives uninvited, chaos ensues. Mildly amusing and irritating by degrees.

SATURDAY

Flog it! (BBC 1 5.05 pm). Reality. George Osborne attempts to plug the black hole in public finances by selling off Wales, and fails, because nobody wants it. Dispiriting.

SUNDAY

Wheel of Fortune (ITV Gold, various). Gameshow. Nicky Campbell shows you how to become a Euro MP and an overnight millionaire in return for doing fuck all. Exasperating.

PICK OF THE WEEK

The Mentalist (Five, Saturday, 10.00 pm).

Biography.

Psychologists look into the mind of Gordon Brown and speculate. Disturbing.

via our TV, showbiz and entertainment guru, Gildas Monk

RIP Raoul Moat You Legend!

That's the title of a new Facebook page which has already accumulated over 3,000 'fans'. So, by my reckoning,  that'll be more than 3,000 totally utter, 24 carat, weapons grade cunts then.

Raoul Moat has killed and injured people, and ruined the lives of countless others ..... you fucking deranged clusterfuck of misguided mongs.

Un-fucking-piss-flappy-believable!

Old Grey Whistle Twat

Look out the G.O.N.T. is back!

This time he's hankering after the sounds of the late 70's when whispering Bob Harris was king, with his eclectic mix of live music on the Old Grey Whistle Test, and Debbie Harry was busily doing everything in her power to confirm the teenage G.O.T. as frighteningly heterosexual.

Enjoy ;-)

Question of the Week

What the hell goes through the tiny minds of some parents when they decide to give their children ridiculous birth names? I thought calling your offspring Tangerine or Boat or Asmatik or Virgin was fucking horrendous enough but can you possibly imagine how bad life would be, being burdened with a name like ..... Two Faced Bastard Liar, for the rest of your natural days.

Nine separate sets of parents, that I know of, have done just that.

What the fuck!

Seriously though, isn't that grounds for child cruelty or some such shit?

I've Had A Busy Week In The Office

How about you?

Search For Raoul Moat Called Off +Update+ Raoul Moat Speaks ++Breaking++

The acting Chief Constable of Northumbria police, Sue Simm, has anounced in the last hour that she has called off the search for Raoul Moat. Speaking to a hastily convened press conference she said "I have decided that enough is enough, we are no closer to finding Mr Moat than we were 7 days ago. I believe Mr Moat should now be declared the winner of the Northumbria Annual Hide and Seek Contest."

Commenting on why the police had put up such a bad show in this years contest she said "We got off to a bad start, the rules state that we had to turn our backs and count to 1000 while Mr Moat went to hide. It was only when we had counted to 158 that we realised that there was nobody in our force who cold count to 1000. It then took us 2 days to locate an officer with the requisite skills and arrange his secondment from a southern force."

Asked to comment on allegations made by Mr. Moat that the Northumbria force had cheated by bringing in thousands of officers from other forces, as well as the army, she said "I find Mr Moat's allegations of cheating to be very offensive. I think that it is Mr. Moat who is the cheat. You should remember that he didn't just hide and wait for us to find him. On the contrary he kept changing hiding places which isn't against the rules, as such, but shows a less than sporting attitude."

Acting Chief Constable of Northumbria Police, Sue Simm

After the press conference the senior officers of the Northumbria force were challenged, by your correspondent, to find their own arses with both hands, for a reward of £20. Ms. Simm came closest but only managed to locate one buttock before breaking down in tears when a passerby commented that her arse looked big in her uniform.

via our crime correspondent, Mr D. Rex. 

+++ UPDATE +++

+++ Breaking news from Reuters +++ (Possibly)

"Fugitive" Raoul Moat gave his views on the Northumberland Police at a packed news conference this morning. Addressing the media throng outside the Dog and Flack Jacket, Rothbury, Moat said he had been "disgusted" by the way the police had behaved.

"Look canny lad," he said "I've got a lot of issues, like, me y'know. It's not easy being a Geordie called Raoul, cos everyone thinks I'm a softy southern shite with a name like that, like, so its no fucking wonder I'm a bloody psycho. It was alright for the Boy Called Sue bloke and they even wrote a fuckin' song about him, like."

Mr Moat continued

"Anyway, like, I've been trying to do this Death by Cop Thing for nearly a bloody week now, but the police won't pay me no attention. I keep ringing them up to tell them were I am, but they won't fuckin' answer. Some one told me the switchboard is run by them Community Service Officers but they aren't allowed to answer the phone in case they get brain cancer!"


"I've signed in, in me own name at the pub, like, but no one's been there. Apparantly they're all having a health and safety course over at Gateshead. I told one bobby where I was, like, but he said that he couldn't do anything because there was no risk assessment protocol and anyway ACPO hadn't issued a position statement or made any money out of me yet."

"I've been waivin' and shoutin' at 'em like, but they just put their blue lights on and fuck off the other way sharpish! I tell you boys, it's fuckin' crap, like, this is. I blame that fucking woman off the Vicar O' Dibley, she's a fuckin' lunatic man! She shouldn't be Chief Constable of fuckin' Trumpton"

Meanwhile in other developments, Acting Chief Constable of Northumberland issued a further statement. Speaking from the Pampas Grass which surrounds her home, Sim confirmed that in an unfortunate accident a woman had been shot in the head in Gateshead. It appears that the officers panicked when they heard a rumour that the woman "had a Brazilian".

Sim also confirmed that her force had enlisted the services of a B52 bomber, Andy McNab, the 4th Russian Tank Division and Paul the Psychic Octopus. "We are especially pleased that Paul the Psychic Octopus has joined us" said Sim "We now believe this investigation has legs".

via our Home Office Correspondent, Mr Gildas (aka The Monk)

Acting Chief Constable of Northumbria Police, Sue Sim

Perhaps I Should Apply

I really do have more than the necessary qualifications listed, having worked as a senior creative for one of the largest design, print and publishing companies in Europe and I'd love to see the look on their faces, when they ask if I also have an interest in politics.

"Well .... yes I do actually. In fact I have my own little blog which flirts with the in and outs of the political world, from time to time. You may even be familiar with it, having appeared in your very own 2009 Top Political Blog listings and it's also currently ranked in the Wikio Top 40. In fact, your boss has had the odd mention or two ... if I recall correctly."

Go on, go on!

"I'm the Grumpy Old Twat!"

NEXT!