Happy New Year

No moaning, no groaning and no axe to grind. Just a simple, yet sincere message to all the people that have bothered to read my nonsensical drivel.

I would like to raise a glass to you and your family and hope that you will all be able to enjoy a happy, healthy and wealthy New Year.

Cheers!

Anyone Not Get A New Year Honour?

The wheels have finally come off the 'gong giving' malarky.

It's all just getting fucking ridiculous.

Any twat that bothers to 'get up of a morning' seems to be getting one these days.

If you won a medal at the Olympics then you're fucking home and dry. Thanks for doing well at exactly what you were supposed to do well at - here, have a gong me old mate!

Oh, hang on a minute you did really well so why not have a fucking knighthood. A fucking knighthood for riding a twatting bike? You must be having a giraffe!

Arise Sir Write A Book, arise Sir Do A Bit For Charity, arise Sir County Council Executive. Sweep the roads OBE, sing a few songs CBE, services to this services to that MBE. As for The Order of the Bath. What the fuck is that all about? What a shower!

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that they haven't worked hard or that they haven't excelled at what they do. They have my respect for that.

I am just fucking pissed off at the vast waste of time and money, yet again, at the tax payers expense. And for what? What does it achieve? How does it help anyone?

The recipients have already received fair praise and recompense for their efforts.

Why not leave it at that!

PS. If anyone at the Chancellory is reading this I've just finished doing a fucking nice job of fitting a new bathroom. Customer was so pleased that they had to 'knock one out'. Ok, so I got paid for a job very well done, it's one of the many things that I am good at, but any chance of a gong you fuckers!

Prince Edward Another Royal Cock

Prince Edward has become the latest member of the Royal Family to become embroiled in an alleged animal cruelty incident. 

Look at the picture! That pompous prick appears to be beating the dog with a fucking big stick!

This latest episode of Royal animal abuse follows hot on the heels of Prince Charles jumping on an old horse and

Prince William strangling a cock.

It's about time we stopped giving these bastards shit loads of tax payers money and made all these inbred tossers go out into the real world, get a proper job and earn a fucking living.

Twats!

That Monkey Paid A Visit

Finally finished counting all the bloody socks, boxer shorts, handkerchiefs and fucking longjohns. Took a bit longer this year due to extended periods of 'eye of the needle' anal aerobics. Must have been something that I ate although solid food hasn't been too high on the agenda in the last 2 days. As per usual my Christmas Day and Boxing Day fayre mainly consisted of fine wines, twiglets, champagne and a selection of single malts.

Ahh yes, I can see the problem there, too many fucking twiglets.

Woke up this morning, still wearing my safety gear, thinking "thank fuck that those 2 days are over".

This was shortly followed by a sudden sense of panic. 

Had the Monkey been?

Bollocks!

I had a pounding headache so things didn't seem too promising.

Then I checked the mouth. Oh dear the signs were there alright.

I ran downstairs to check the bottles. All empty.

The wallet? Devoid of all cash.

"Everything ok? Are you alright?" said Pigsy, in a 'you look rough as fuck' kind of way.

"That bastard Monkey must have crept in during the night", I replied ruefully.

"Oh I see" she said, trying and failing to disguise that 'serves you right' grin that she has in her armoury. "Over imbibed again have you?"

I couldn't answer. I hate that fucking Monkey.

Whilst I was slumbering he must have removed my safety helmet and clouted my head with a mallet. Then he must have lifted my safety goggles and rubbed bogies into my eyes, shortly followed by an urge to deficate into my open mouth. As if that wasn't enough he must have tip toed down the stairs and emptied all my beloved bottles of joy into the sink. Finally the bastard must have removed all the cash from my wallet.

"Fire up the perculator Pigsy!"

"Expresso No.5?" she asked knowingly.

"Yes please"

Almost forgot to mention the Boxing Day Hunt that visited the manicured lawns at Twat Towers.

Unfortunately my blood pressure won't allow me to discuss this subject in depth. All I can say is 'Hunts'. What does that rhyme with?

A Grumpy Old Twat Mas

Sorted.

I have recovered from yesterday's annual man pilgrimage to the High Street.  This ritual did not pass without scars, both mental and physical, but I have survived.

The big day is here and I am all kitted out ready for any eventuality. In fact Pigsy even suggested that I look resplendent in my finest Christmas safety wear! 

Nanny will be pleased, I'm sure, too.

I have even included asbestos underwear just in case I decide, as last year, to set light to my farts at the dinner table. It's the only party trick I know!

In fact I feel quite cheery today as I sit here awaiting a hearty meal and the impending arrival of my very good friends 'Chablis', 'St.Emilion' and 'Islay' . My other good friend, 'Bolli', arrived much earlier this morning but has already departed.

Twat Mas! Don't you just hate it?

How to climb 3ft ladder

The shit for brains health and safety inspectors are at it again.

The guardians of the 'nanny state' have insisted that 45 police officers attend a 2 hour course to learn how to use a 3ft step ladder!

Once 'qualified', to use this piece of complicated equipment, they then have to wear a high vis jacket and 'cone off' the ladder so that no-one bumps into it.

Excuse me but what the fuck has happened to good old common sense!

Will you 'nanny state' mongs stop wasting time and money on yet more mindless fucking bollocks. Please go and find something better to do with your lives. Perhaps you could pick up dead leaves on the M1 or something? Please.

I suggest that the police should concentrate on 'sorting out' all those drunken and aggressive wankers that are making our streets increasingly unsafe.

The best way that they can use a 3ft ladder is to clip those ignorant tossers around the ear with it - then, stick a fucking cone up their lardy arses, preferably fat end first, and with a slight left hand twist.

Twats!

Dear Santa I Want Chavopoly Innit

Ideal game for those aggressive, benefit scrounging, fucking foul mouthed, bunch of petty criminals that infest our streets like dog shit.

Only problem is that most of those brain dead fuckwits can't even read.

Bush Says Brown Does

Here we go again!

George Bush has decided to throw money at the American car industry.

What a waste of fucking money.

If the American financial sector weren't such a load of fucking robdogs then their fat, burger loving countrymen would be able to afford to buy a car.

Sound familiar?

Pound to a pinch of shit that Gordoom follows suit.

Why wouldn't he?

Twat follows twat.

The British car industry was fucked years ago but that won't stop Brownfinger pissing cash up the wall to help out all the other countries that build cars in this country.

It's a fucking disgrace!

Pair of twats!

BBC Scraps Coverage Over Breeding

Finally the BBC  has seen sense,

refusing to sanction the use of inbreeding,

by withdrawing TV coverage of the

annual parade of the diseased and disfigured.

No longer will we have to endure

the fucking ridiculous spectacle

of these mentally challenged inbreds

parading around in their finery

and barking at anyone who gets in their way.

Even The Scrapster wouldn't bone

his own sister/cousin/niece/mother.

He's got more fucking principles

than that pack of overfed fuckwits.

Also heard that the BBC

are scrapping it's coverage of Crufts in 2009.

Gordon Saves The World But Who Is Going To Save Us

Gordoom Brown has stated that he has saved the world.

This actually makes some sense.

Whilst he is still Prime Minister of this country, stumbling around from fuck-up to fuck-up wearing his Y Fronts outside of his 'troosers', he is leaving the rest of the world well alone.

Therefore, for the time being, they are safe.

We, however, remain completely and utterly fucked!

Being fucked is one thing but now Lord Mandy Meddlesome has started shoving his agenda in through the 'back door', it won't be long before we are all completely buggered as well.

Now that will fucking hurt!

Tinsel Is Dangerous - It's Official

It's comforting to know that as Christmas approaches we can try and forget how much our pathetic government is ruining our lives by putting up a few cheery decorations.

But no, hold on a fucking minute, some wanker of a jobsworth at Scrooge Council HQ has decided that tinsel is dangerous!

A school lollipop man has been told to remove the tinsel from his lollipop because it may distract drivers and put children in danger. Apparently he was 'reported' to the Council by an anonymous passer-by, who had nothing better to do, the sad twat.

Answer me this, you tossers. How can a piece of tinsel be more distracting than some bloke dressed in bright yellow clothing holding a great big fucking lollipop.

Wake up smell the coffee, get a fucking life and stop wasting Council Tax payers money on small minded bollocks.

Twats!

Anagram of Garden is Danger

Spotted this little gem by a like minded blogger.

Have a look at the video of the Health & Safety bloke,

he's fucking priceless!

Anagram of

Over Zealous Health & Safety Executive Officer?

That'll be 'TWAT' then!

Stansted Airport Protesters

I don't understand why they had to close the airport.

If those twats are so Plane Stupid,

that they can't see what is really affecting

the lives of normal people in this Country,

then they deserved to be fucking creamed

by any passing aircraft.

The Spirit of Christmas

It just isn't the same anymore.

The only spirit of the season that remains

is a nice single malt from Islay.

Apart from the fact that it's

"all about the money"

Christmas, Xmas, Winter Festival

or whatever else the fuck it's called these days,

is yet another sad victim of the

'politically correct' minefield.

You can't send cards depicting Christ,

you can't perform the nativity in school

and whatever you do

don't sing a fucking carol,

just in case you offend someone

with other religious beliefs.

So I shall just be getting pissed

on single malt and red wine

during the newly named festive period of

Grumpy Old Twat Mas

Strictly Come Dancing Result - Austin Healey Out

There you have it, Austin Healey is out.

Fucking good job.

Only one more week

of this 'light on yer feet' shit to go.

Thank fuck for that!

X Factor Vs Strictly Come Dancing

Wow!

Tonight is the big one, according to Pigsy.

It's the semi finals.

Whoopee fucking do, I can hardly wait . . . .

I can only think of one thing

that would be more exciting . . . .

Nailing my bollocks to the rear bumper

of a fast moving Porsche.

I couldn't give a flying toss about either of these twatathons

but I thought that I would try and make the effort. 

"So two people from each show get voted off tonight then"

I said, pretending to sound interested.

"No?" said Pigsy, in a 'fuck off don't be stupid' kind of way

that only women seem to be the master of.

"Only one from each show is going".

"Only one?" I said,

wishing that I hadn't started this conversation.

"How the fuck does that work then?"

"That means there'll be three in the final!"

"That's just the way it is" she said sounding exasperated.

Now I was getting cross.

"Semi is half of something" I said "4 minus 2 is fucking 2!"

"If one is going then 4 minus 1 is 3, so its a quarter final!"

"No?" says Pigsy, in that "don't be a twat" kind of way again.

"That was last week, when there were five left."

"Fucking five in a fucking quarter fucking final!"

I was definitely going off on one by now.

"So all those wankers, that produce these

bag o'shite programmes,

have re-written the laws of maths now have they?"

"What does it matter to you anyway" came the reply,

"You don't even watch them!"

Too fucking right I don't, I thought to myself.

"Just trying to show an interest my love"

I said unconvincingly

"Well don't" she said (I think that was an order)

"You'll only end up getting in a strop"

Too fucking late for that!

Do you ever wish that you hadn't fucking bothered?

Barking Mad Muslims

Yet another example of PC madness.

Tayside Police have had to apologise to Islamic leaders after publishing a photograph of a puppy which was deemed to be "offensive" to Muslims.

Apparently Muslims think that dogs are dirty and disgusting.

What the fuck!

Excuse me for stating the bleeding obvious but I thought Tayside was in Britain and
Britain is predominately a dog loving country.

So what the buggery bollocks are we doing apologising

(yet again) to this oversensitive minority of fucking cretins.

Well I've got some free advice for those twats,

with dirty and disgusting beards, who don't like dogs.

Fuck the fuck off to a country that doesn't have as many.

That is all.

Only a Cock Would Buy A BMW

That's according to that twat Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear.

This of course is a ridiculous statement because Jeremy Cockson is a complete cock and does not own a BMW.

In fact the self opinionated prick is such a dick head that he can't even drive anymore because his bollocks are in his eyes! 

Some say that the Twat Gear presenter is currently 8 months pregnant, after being rear ended whilst loitering outside an underground toilet on Hampstead Heath.

Others say he talks fucking bollocks, his brain is the size of an ants foreskin and he is only interested in cars that cost over £50,000.

I say stop wasting our licence fee payers money on fucking shit, you obnoxious fat twat! 

Surf's Up But British Justice Is Drowning

I am absolutely fucking astounded!

What the buggery bollocks is happening to this Country?

Read this.

Then see what Old Holborn has to say about it.

As usual, he hits the nail right on the fucking head!

Prince William Gets His Cock Out

"Prince William lands his chopper in

Kate Middleton's back garden again"

Pictures of Prince William having a piss . . . . 

. . . so fucking what?

So the Royal Prince had to squeeze his ferret

with the wind in his hair?

Big fucking deal (small actually).

No twat here though . . . . it's just bollocks!

Sharon Shoesmith - What took so long?

The most hated woman in this country has finally been told to fuck off.

Hoo-fucking-ray and what took so fucking long.

Its been fifteen months since that bitch Shirksmith

and the equally useless bunch of fuckwits ,

that wank with her,

left poor Baby P (Peter Connelly) to die.

I'm now waiting for her well deserved arrest

on the grounds of manslaughter

and her subsequent sentencing.

It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to realise

that will be a long time coming!

Unlike Peter Connelly the wankers that are in a position

to bring her to justice

are all fucking spineless!

Twats!

Jonathan Ross Resigns From The BBC

We can only dream at this stage but I heard today that Wonathan Wucking Woss is "hugely contrite" following his pathetic radio performance at Andrew Sachs expense.

Well isn't that fucking big of him.

Who gives a toss what that fuckwit thinks now?

If  WWW is so apologetic then why doesn't that overbloated, self opinionated arsehole do us all a favour

and fall on the tax payers sword.

I'll give you 18 million reasons why he won't.

Twat!

Laurel & Hardy

Saw this photo of Laurel and Hardy

and thought it would be ideal for a caption competition.

Add your own pithy and offensive captions

via the comments link below.

I'll start you off with:

"For fucks sake darling, some of your bullshit has just flown into my eye!"

Weetabix

I went to buy a box of Weetabix.

What a fucking performance!

1. I don't like shopping
2. I don't like supermarkets
3. What's fucking super about them
4. I don't like change

First of all I have to avoid all the morons tear arseing around with their trollies - where's the fucking fire! Nobody told me that Tesco are on the F1 Grand Prix calender. 

Then there are the kids, those snotty nosed little shits with no manners whatsoever, who just seem to do and say what the fuck they like. Its no wonder when you see their chav mothers, in velour shell suit bottoms, trying to decide how many cans of vodka Red Bull to buy. Those Katona lookalike bitches make no fucking attempt to restrain those twatting little Whitney, Britney and Shitney bastards. I fucking hate 'em, mainly because those brainless tossers have got loads more money to spend than I have because they're all on fucking benefits!

Coffin dodgers!

Dithering about the place whilst conducting a master class in how to be frugal.

Have you ever seen them buying one rasher of bacon, half a sausage and 3oz of tripe? At least they don't need bog roll - they're still using a commemorative copy of The Daily Telegraph that was published the Sunday after

The Titanic sank!

Finally I get to the breakfast cereal aisle! No shit!

There must have been ten different types of fucking Weetabix on those shelves.

What the twatting, bollocksy, fuckwank is going on here?

I just want an ordinary box Weetabix!

Weetabix Gold

Gold? Gold what? Is that why it's so fucking expensive.

Weetabix Organic

Please don't tell me it's got cow shit and sheep piss in it.

Weetabix Fruit & Fibre

If we needed a good shit we'd have had a curry last night.

Weetabix Minis

Fuck me, they make small cars out of this stuff now.

Anyone seen one on the road?

I bet they're fucking useless in the wet!

Weetabix Bitesize

What tosser decided how big a bite is then?

Kids bite? Adult Bite? Love Bite, Fucking dog bite?

Weetabix Chocolate Crisp

A kids birthday party feast all mixed up together in a bowl.

That's sure to make the little bastards puke all over their Wii.

Weetabix Honey & Nut

For fuck's sake put honey on your toast, like any normal person and scratch your nuts whilst your eating it you tossers!

Then there's all the cheap shite Tesco versions

and the Oat-a-fucking-bran-a-nutri-wank-a-flake versions.

Don't even start me on

Cornflakes, Ready Brek and Special K.

Talk about a head fuck!

Weet-a-fucking-leave-it-as-it-was-you-tossers-

I-don't-like-fucking-change-you-twats-abix.

Ahh, at last, that's the one I'm after!

Just need to go through the checkout now

(tell you about that another time).

What-a-load-of-twats-abix!

No One is Safe

Apparently a thief stole a blank cheque from a company where he worked.

He made it out to himself for £895 because he wanted some holiday money.

His boss found out and marched him off to the Police with a sign around his neck which said "I stole £895 and am on my way to the Police Station"

With me so far?

All sounds fair and square doesn't it?

Hold onto to your fucking hats!

The thief was let off with a caution and the boss was arrested and charged with false imprisonment. Along with 3 other employees who helped to restrain the offender.

What the fuck is going on!

It gets worse, apparently the offender (who now seems to be the victim) is threatening to sue his boss for 'humiliation and upset". (Looks like he'll still get his holiday then).

Somebody is having a fucking giraffe here!

If I was in the same situation (I have my own business) I would expect to be able to apprehend the offending piece of shit and seek judicial recourse.

By all accounts that'll be a waste of fucking time then because instead of being the one who has been fucked I would undoubtedly become the fuckee!

British Justice? Pah!

Waste of fucking time unless you are a

benefit claiming asylum seeking lesbian,

with 9 kids (all from different unknown fathers),

living in a 6 bedroom mansion,

paid for by Haringey Council.

Fuck the fuck off you twats!

Another Waste of Tax Payers Money

Fuck me sideways!

Have you seen this heap of shit?

This has cost us £40,000 pounds!

It's a half finished shed that took 2 fucking years to build and is supposed to be a work of art!

Click here, if you want to see the twats that commissioned this load of bollocks.

They are so proud of this fucking heap of shit that they've made a short film about it.

Even more money wasted!

At no point do they mention that it cost the tax payers FORTY THOUSAND POUNDS.

These art group tossers are called FirstSite and have apparently had £millions of tax payers money.

The best bit?

It's only temporary and will be knocked down in February.

Whose the twat here?

1. The artist, for taking the piss?
2. FirstSite, for wasting our money on shitty self indulgent bollocks?
   
3. The poxy Government, for letting them have our money?
   

This is a classic case of three strikes and you're out.

They're all twats!

Woolworths and MFI

Two major high street retailers have gone down the pan today.

What the fuck are those NuLabore wankers doing to this country?

If we do manage to have some spare cash, despite Darling's apparently futile attempts to come up with something, where the hell will we spend it?

Oh, how stupid of me, the tosser will just increase Income Tax, Council Tax and everything other fucking tax until we're all fucked.

In fact I can feel Gordoom's dick starting to prod my arse now!

Deflation?

If this country gets any more deflated it won't be able to breathe!

Credit Crunch Pub Lunch

Whatever happened to the good old 'pie and a pint'?

Who the fuck decided that the great British public wants over priced 'lardee dardee' shit for lunch?

Mediterranean vegetables with goats cheese and basil on a baby jacket potato £5.95 - fuck off!

Rocket and wild mushrooms with an autumn berry jus on ciabatta £4.75 - bollocks!

For fucks sake, where have the cheese and onion sandwiches and meat pies gone?

It won't be long before pubs stop selling beer!

Will all you pub landords stop bleating on about how bad trade is because of the credit crunch and wake up and smell the coffee (cappuccino, frappuccino, cafe mocha or whatever the fuck else you call it these days).

Give us what we fucking want!

Twats!

Dishwasher Out Of Warranty

Have you ever got used to something always doing its job? It carries on year after year without a hint of breaking down, and if you're really lucky, you can even get away without servicing it either? Oh sweet heaven.

Then, just when you expect it least, usually at the most inconvenient time, the fucking thing develops a fault.

Well that's just what happened to the bloody dishwasher tonight!

Ok, it's over 25 years old and so what do I fucking expect but Pigsy has absolutely refused to wash the dishes tonight. Apparently, she is sick and fucking tired of me not paying attention to what she is saying (selective deafness I call it) and as a result she can no longer guarantee to do the washing up on a regular basis until I 'mend my ways'.

Mend my ways! Mend my fucking ways! Try talking to me about something interesting and then I'll fucking listen! Something that doesn't sound like 'blah blah squeal, yatter twitter yatter, blahdee fucking blah', might help!

Me? A  male chauvinist and a grumpy old twat?

On a good day I can be quite a pheasant plucker!

Easy Like A Sunday Morning

I should be so fucking lucky! 

England are getting thrashed in the 4th ODI cricket against India (no change there then!). 

Thank fuck it's raining there at the moment so we might get away with a draw! Don't bother ringing any call centres today 'cos all those muppets from Bangalore are at the ground, jumping up and down like a load of twats everytime India score! Press 3 to nuke the whole fucking lot of them I say.

Pissing with rain here too, so needless to say that fucking cat has just come in and dumped another load of toxic waste. That'll be my nostrils fucked again!

Put the radio on and was confronted with the new Tom Jones single . . . what the fuck is that all about? Its about time that old fart knocked it on the head. Who wants to see some 110 year old has been from the valleys, still thrusting his leather clad, lump of coal filled crotch at anything with tits. Its fucking disgusting!

Turned the radio off, put the cricket back on, still fucking raining!

Bollocks!

BBC Waste Licence Payers Money

If you're looking for a well constructed and balanced argument on the subject of the BBC Licence Fee, then you're in the wrong place.

Jonathan Ross or Wonathan Wucking Woss (as he is known in this house) is a complete an utter fucking, twating, bolloxing waste of licence fee payers money. £16m for what?  Showing us how far up his own arse he can shove his head?

Poncing about the place and sticking his tongue up anyone's arse that has got a new film/show/book/single to promote?

Please do me favour and fuck off (keep the change it'll be worth it).

Even though I fucking hate that kiddy fiddler, Gary Glitter, I hear that he has phoned Ross to say he has fucked his daughter, nice one!

Strictly Come Dancing . . . The judges are a bunch of moronic coffin dodgers!

If you don't like the public's opinion then don't invite them to phone in and fucking give it! Leave John Sargeant alone!

The One Show . . . The fucking One Show! That's ironic, there's fucking hundreds of them!

Its another example of shitting out licence fee money 'til the cows come home.

Full of mindless crap and yet another BBC vehicle for anybody who wants to promote their new film/show/book/single.

As for the presenters? A pasty faced twat that looks liked he's walked into a door on the way to the studio and some bird with a face full of teeth that looks like a fucking matchstick with all the wood shaved off!

That Adrian Chiles is fucking everywhere, he's like dog shit!

Fuck off back to Working Lunch where nobody can see you!

Just like the BBC does with some of it's output, I've got a feeling that I'm going to produce a series of worthless fucking episodes of this shit!

Twats!

Gordon Brown Denies June Election

Apparently Gordoom Brown has dismissed rumours of an election because he is "100% focussed on the economy".

More like 100% fuckus on the economy!

I also ask the question who is this June woman?

What is she doing with an erection?

Is she some kind of transexual PPS?

How did Gordoom manage to give her an erection,

by showing her his dispatch box?

No doubt he still managed to fuck her up the arse,

like he's doing with the rest of us!

Twat!

Cats

Now don't get me wrong, I love cats. Especially so when I was younger. There's something very therapeutic about stroking a nice pussy. Trouble is that when you get older it gets harder to find one that will keep still long enough for you to gain some comfort from it.

Anyway, I digress, what I fucking hate about cats is the unbelievable stink of their shit!

Have you ever in your whole life had anything that rips the fuck out of your nostrils than the smell of a cats bowel movement? There I am relaxing in the evening enjoying a nice glass of red and exchanging the details of my exciting day with Pigsy . . . and then it hits me! "Is that you dear?" I ask in a controversial kind of way, knowing that I'm going to regret it. Sure enough "Fuck off!" comes the reply "Are you sure it isn't you?". The Scrapster looks the other way and then confirmation of the real culprit reaches my ears.

Its the sound of cat litter being manically scattered at a vast rate of knots in a vain attempt to cover the almighty fucking stench of the cat's shit! Trouble is 75% of it ends up on the floor (Thats the cat litter not the shit). Its so nice having a gravel driveway for a hall!

What really gets my fucking goat is that the cat has been outside all day and I've just let her in. The first thing she fucking does when she comes in is take a fucking dump! What's that all about? Why couldn't she do it outside and preferably in a neighbours garden. If I was paranoid (which I'm not, am I?) I'd think she was giving me a head fuck!

What's even worse is that her name is Sweetie . . . . who the fuck thought of that name? (Can't say). I suggest that next time we have a cat we need to wait and see how bad her shit smells before we name her.

And another thing, as soon as you clear away the offending article, wearing 3 clothes pegs and using a pair of barbecue tongs, the next thing she does is park her fucking tea again!

Where does it all come from? What the fuck is she eating? Whiskers? More like Shitty Kat!

P.S. I wish my cat could do this (and flush afterwards!)

Texting

There is only one thing that's predictable

about predictive text.

Its drives me around the "Fork In Band!"

Adverts On The BBC

I'm sick and fucking tired of having to watch programme adverts on the BBC. For fucks sake, why would anyone want to see a preview of a programme about the one they are about to watch? Example "Next tonight on BBC is Spooks". This is then followed by a trailer about Spooks. Then Spooks starts! Why don't those fucking twats at the BBC stop arseing around and just show the fucking programme.

Another thing "Coming Soon", coming fucking soon!

Whats that all about? Coming when? If we were at all interested in "this programme" that was "Coming Soon", when can we fucking see it then, you tossers? How long is "Soon"? An hour, a day, a week, a fucking month?

"Coming Soon" . . . . Perhaps its a reference to all those female presenters who seem to be pregnant every 5 minutes (or is it 9 months?). Twats!